I am not sure I'm going to bother offering much commentary on this one, but Al Pacino and Robert de Niro want their next collaboration to be a comedy in which they both dress up as women and play sisters. No fucking joke.

Pacino: "It's a great idea. That could be something for us to work on. Robert has done some great and very successful comedy movies and he's made the transition really well, without a problem. He was amazing. He's invented himself over again and that takes a very special talent."

De Niro: "We could do that, I like the idea. We could play sisters."

JUDGED MODALLY AS A MOCKUMENTARY, Louis Schwartzberg’s directorial debut would distinguish itself only for a total lack of laughs, and character-credibility on par with Christopher Guest movies. Unfortunately, this Disney release is a genuine attempt to capture all that is beautiful about the United States, via the testimony of 24 individuals who allegedly encapsulate the synthesis of the American dream. They thus naturally range from a reformed alcoholic cowboy called Roudy, to a farmer who enjoys staging musical versions of Dracula.

Tragically this whistle-stop tour of unlikely protagonists is endowed with all the touching poignancy of a life insurance ad. Schwartzberg’s utterly misjudged tone invariably humiliates the characters that the ubiquitous low-angle Soviet realist-propaganda hero shots try to deify. The newbie auteur’s first film credits were in 1980 for no less than three films in which his role was limited to supplying time-lapse photography; in the interim he has expanded his repertoire of technical prowess to include cutaway transitional shots of bacon sizzling. Also on offer is some of the least insightful wisdom ever to grace the silver screen, highlights including a lady who claims to “have been broke but never poor” explaining said statement with the claim that “inside there wouldn’t be a heart but instead a mountain range”.

Beyond the superficial absurdity linger several more distressing oversights, such as the preoccupation with fiscally-motivated ideologies, perturbing for a movie entitled America’s Heart and Soul. The only interest it ever instigates relies on positing itself as utterly offensive, whether in its perpetuation of unacceptable stereotypes or with reference to broader intellectual considerations. Witness as the slow-motion flight of an eagle is superimposed onto a Native American’s face as his hair blows freely in the wind and token chant is heard on the soundtrack. Schwartzberg never shows any consideration or respect towards the men and women he unintentionally ridicules, mocking the plights of a reformed criminal, impoverished immigrants, members of a mental asylum and briefly a terminally ill child.

Every cinematic aspect of this film is frankly lacking: only the soundtrack’s sincerity prevent it from being a spot-on satire of every genre with which it flirts and the cinematography is a compendium of cliché. The whole endeavor seems inexplicably pointless and fails to accomplish the goal of portraying this country in any sort of positive light. Thankfully the majority of the patriotic flag-waving is left to the closing montage which concludes with the obligatory fireworks display that is a suitably underwhelming climax to a debacle of a film.

So ... Michael Douglas is to play fashionista Wladziu Valentino Liberace in a Steve Soderbergh produced biopic. Here are a couple of pictures for you to enjoy the striking resemblance...

Next up Tarantino to produce a Nelson Mandela biopic starring Robert Downey Jr as the big man.

It's been a while but I've been busy. There's a web-site on its way, and I've been watching a fair number of crappy movies whilst working on it.

Movie #3722: Body Double
Brian De Palma, 1984, USA
Continuing his commendable trend of poorly ripping off Hitchcock movies, De Palma makes an unengaging incomprehensible lunge at Rear Window and Vertigo. With more nudity.
Craig Wasson - whose last film was Sasquatch Mountain, and who was a minor supporting character in the TV spin-off of Dangerous Minds - plays a man with vertigo claustrophobia, who watches people in the windows of an opposing building. Next thing you know he witnesses a murder.
Unlike in Hitchcock, Wasson gets to see a woman masturbate, and then get killed by a construction drill.
Clever plot twists abound, the best of which ("you're the Indian?") would have been more credible were it not for the world's worst prosthetics, which sort of give away that this is not a real person. Judge for yourself.

De Palma is a fucking hack. 'Nuff said.

Awakening Shades of Grey from slumber, I post a series of emails between myself and Shades last week.

From Shades, Aug. 26 1:27 a.m.
from the movie "Street Kings". MATRIX KUNG FU BOY is Keanu Reeves, obviously. this is a corrupt cop action/drama. it's not great. but it's enjoyably violent.

matrix kung fu boy: look paul. this thing you want, that you think you want, you don't want.
mr fire from fantastic four: you don't know who i am or what i want. who are you to judge me?
matrix kung fu boy: you wanna be a gun fighter, huh? [hands him gun] then let's do it.

My reply, Aug. 27 4:19 p.m.

Speaking of quality screenwriting...are you as excited as I about the forthcoming "Disaster Movie"? Man o man, do those hollywood parodies of movies still in post-production really get me laughing. The humor is timeless, I know that 50 years from now in my retirement chair I'll pop in "Disaster Movie" and laugh my ass off at the spot-on "Juno" parody: "This is my baby's foot". So utterly hilarious. I can only hope that a similiar parody film is released every year to remind me about movies that came out 4 months prior.

On a similar note, are you as excited about the forthcoming masterpiece "College"? Man o man, I was just thinking the other day that the realm of film was lacking in movies that portray the crazy lifestyle that is college. I think it would be really funny to show guys being initiated to a fraternity with some zany circumstances. Likewise, consuming lots of alcohol can be really fun and the prospect of a "hooking-up," even for the nerdy guy, is always in there. Man, I just hope that the hegemonic forces of higher learning don't impose unrealistic expectations of these budding intellectuals. If those "bringdowns" in the administration try and tell them not to party, oh boy is there going to be some antics and perhaps pranks to that will set them straight. Women are objects and college is for partying. Thank god there is a movie out there that will accurately portray this reality.

Followed by, Aug. 27 4:23 p.m.
Man, I wish I would have visited imdb.com before sending that email.
From a comment on College:

This movie is so misjudged!!! When I hear people talking about it they seem to think it's just another teenage or "tween" movie. IT'S NOT! I saw College during a screening and it was raunchy! I loved it! It's a beer drinkin', "t & a", partin', awesome movie! There are girls making out, girls in bikini's...and it's hilarious! It's a story of 3 high school kids who visit college for the weekend and all the crazy things that happened to them along the way. This is where the tag: "best weekend ever" comes in. I loved the masturbating dorm-mate wearing the -my peace is growing- t shirt. Anyway, awesome movie, go see it, you wont be disappointed and you'll laugh your butt off!

And, Aug. 27 4:26 p.m.
Imdb's user's message board headings for director Jason Friedberg (auteur behind Disaster movie, date movie, scary movie...you get the picture):

disgrace to film.
If he got shot, would it be considered justifiable homicide?
I would rather watch... [game]
YOU SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
how do we stop them?
I am going to kill this man.

Magic Hands

Hallmark presents Sweet Nothing In My Ear, an offbeat comedy about a deaf child.



Best Bit: Jeff Daniels' "I want my son back", spouted with all the gut-wrenching emotion of James Van Der Beek's "I don't want ... your life" from Varsity Blues. Never has someone seemed less convincing when signing.

Nothing funny about this one, just a little scary. It's taken from today's 'Studio Briefing' over at IMDB.

U.S. Releases Al-Jazeera Cameraman, Held Since 2001

A Sudanese-born television news cameraman who was captured by the U.S. military while working for the al-Jazeera Arab news network in Afghanistan in 2001 and imprisoned at Guantánamo Bay, has been released, the network said Thursday. A Pentagon official told Reuters, "He's not being released. He's being transferred to the Sudanese government." But the wire service also quoted Sudan's justice minister, Abdel Basit Sabderat, as saying that Washington had already had enough time to produce any evidence against Sami Haj and that his country has no plans to hold him. In New York, Joel Simon, executive director of the Committee to Protect Journalists, said: "His detention for six years, without the most basic due process, is a grave injustice and represents a threat to all journalists working in conflict areas." Al-Jazeera's director general, Wadah Khanfar, flew to Khartoum to welcome Haj and said that Haj will continue working for the network. Appearing on al-Jazeera's English-language network, Khanfar said, "We are concerned about the way the Americans dealt with Sami, and we are concerned about the way they could deal with others as well."

The South Korean modern masterpiece Failan is being remade as an American movie. This is a terrible thing ... the original was pretty perfect and a remake can add nothing.

The man behind this evil is Vadim Perelman, who once brought us the stellar House of Sand and Fog, but is current in theaters with wet blanket The Life Before Her Eyes.

Looking at the IMDB message board for the movie, I am glad someone agrees. Best comment is "DONT DO THIS YOU F++CKING C*(*+S!"

So John Mayer was asked to do the theme song to The Bucket List, which is hugely appropriate from a '9th Level Of Crap' standpoint. Check this shit out...



I do want to point out the irony of someone saying, as M. Mayer does at the end there, "Say what you need to say" TWENTY-SIX TIMES IN A ROW!!!

So - that thing that was making me busy is no longer making me busy, so I will no longer be as busy as when that thing that made me busy was still making me busy.

New contributor's first piece... a pseutable suidonym escapes me temporarily, but here goes...

Why Film is Most Definitely a Collaborative Medium

An unfortunate side-affect of my job in film sales requires me to occasionally attend London-based screenings of finished films which are still looking for a sales agent to come on board. Its my experience that, if a film gets to completion without a sales agent on board, there’s usually a very good reason. And that reason is usually because it is very very crap. But that’s a topic for another post.

For now, let me draw your attention to what must surely be the worst of all the films I have ever been made to sit through for professional reasons. Ladies and gentleman, I apologise as I give you Madness In The First Degree.



Now, anyone who was even the smallest amount of knowledge about the way films are made would immediately know that attempting to make a feature film entirely on your own would be a difficult, nay, ridiculous thing to attempt. So I suppose we should give Geoff Searle – MITFD’s producer, writer, director, sole actor, cinemtaographer, editor and composer – some sort of credit. Or we should do, if only the film weren’t such a horrendously self-indulgent waste of time and money. Searle spent 4 years and god-only-knows how much cash making the film, and it is almost entirely unwatchable. Imagine watching a 90 minute long pop video from the early years of MTV. Now imagine doing it whilst grinding your teeth in to the back of your fist because you are so irritated at being made to sit through this nonsense. Somehow, the actual experience of watching this film is far far worse…

Geoff seems like a nice fellow, and I suppose we should be grateful – in case any one of us, in a fit of hideous self-importance, decided that they were talented enough to make an entire feature length film without anyone else’s help, Geoff has been there and proven very definitely that it can’t be done.

For anyone that knows Alaric, bear in mind that I warned him I would tell everyone...

He has a "great idea for a script". It's a remake of Casablanca, set in a contempotary world with Zombies instead of Nazis.

How does one come up with such an idea. Watching the classic flick, does one articulate the concern that "this would be so much better ... with zombies?"

Crazy.

Yeah so I suck. No updates. Been busy. Wish some of my other writers would say something. I've seen two movies in the last month ... one was unfortunately Doomsday. Fucking Neil Marshall ... soooo good. Once.

WOW! JCVD is here! Jean-Claude Van Damme sees the Muscles From Brussells playing a fictionalised version of himself in this comedy that is a lot more tongue in cheek than Sly reprising Rambo. This trailer made me laugh a lot, though I couldn't bear the thought of sitting through the attached movie...

Swayze Update:
Whoopi Goldberg seizes opportunity to snatch limelight and comiserates her Ghost co-star. Elsewhere Patrick Swayze becomes the most searched for person on IMDB, overtaking recent Oscar-winner Daniel Day-Lewis.

Roland Emmerich's next feature will be the incredibly inventive 2012, which "is in the vein of The Day After Tomorrow", a phrase that sent at least three people into fits of excitement. The title references the year in which the Mayan calendar ends, and will be about the world going through "upheaval as the apocalypse comes closer". In layman's terms, the German-born Emmerich has contrived another high-and-thin-concept effects-laden science-fiction actioner that will give him an excuse to blow up and destroy things, as well as kill many faceless Americans (see also: Stargate, Independence Day, Godzilla and the afore-mentioned The Day After Tomorrow). Hold your breath.

Alleged actress Jenny McCarthy is preaching that dieting can help autism. This may have some sort of medical basis, but the Lingerie Bowl star travelling around the country giving speeches is not going to help the cause. "It's so heartbreaking to see the medical community not support something called diet and vitamins", exclaimed Jim Carrey's current squeeze, who also wrote the "script" for her vehicle Dirty Love. "And it pains us, city after city ... These kids are getting better and I will not shut up and will not stop fighting about it." Sidenote: McCarthy's is in post-production on the sure-fire-critical-hit Wieners, out later this year.

Oh, and Patrick Swayze has pancreatic cancer. It's probably too soon for jokes, but I was just priming you for them.

"Fucking Love Guru" stakes claim on "Fucking Giles" as catch-phrase

When I was 12, I had a crush on Pamela Anderson. This is true. I bought a magazine called EMPIRE, because she was on the front. In some ways this was a turning point in my history of living and breathing cinema. Ten years on, EMPIRE magazine is barely the beacon of critical correctness or Holy Land of Taste that it was when they twice within a year displayed the Barb Wire star's greatest assets on their front cover.

Take for instance their reaction to the Love Guru trailer:



Empire describes this trailer as "pretty dang funny", claiming that the "lot of hints of Austin Powers in tone" is "absolutely no bad thing". But their credibility is surely undermined by a claim such as "there are few things more amusing than very small people being hit in the head" (referring to Verne "Mini-Me" Troyer's appearance as ... well ... a comedic device small person).

See my reaction would be different.

I don't know if it's the lack of a single funny joke, the tired midget humor, the insulting "one time in college" lesbian gag, or worst of all JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE IN TIGHT SPEEDOS, but this is shit. With a capital crap. I am sure Monsieur Myers' total lack of attempt to simulate a realistic accent or aesthetic will be overlooked by about $100M worth of cinema-goers. Fuckers. Meanwhile don't listen to me, cos I just admitted that Pamela Anderson got me into movies.

Is Michel Gondry the new Melies?

To celebrate the release of Be Kind, Rewind (which I haven't seen yet), here is a brief Michel Gondry clip special.

First up, he has sweded (i.e. poorly remade) his own trailer for the afore-mentioned movie. This is very clever, and post-modern. And layered. He also plays all the roles. Which is genius.



This is turn reminded me of the last time I paid attention to a video he released, which was the infamous "Michel Gondry Solves A Rubik's Cube With His Feet":

This is turn elicited this slightly over-analytical response from this weirdo:

Fred and Sean's brief stay is over. They were far more entertaining than the Academy Awards.

Seriously, had you said that the Coens would get three gongs each, Daniel Day-Lewis would be feted with no Yanks in sight amongst the acting awards (and that Javier would get his), and that I still would be bored shitless, I'd have not believed you.

I don't know why I am ever surprised about the event. I keep thinking that it's got to be good, but it really never is. At least the awards went largely to people who deserve them.

So glad that Enchanted was nominated 3 times for song, and that they still perform all of those. And Bourne Ultimatum should have received the second most awards obviously.

I can't even sarcastically congratulate the usually "solid" Sr. Stewart; he was visible nervous, and most criminally NOT AT ALL FUNNY. When occasionally a joke didn't entirely tank, he attempted to milk it ad nauseum, and when he had nothing clever to say, he'd rouse a round of congratulatory applause for someone talented in the audience. So at least he wasn't all about crutches.

I didn't see Tilda Swinton coming btw. Anyone else call that?

Really?

No sooner can you say "bad movie ideas in disguise" than Universal has announced a partnership with Hasbro to make a series of features based around its toys and games. With the exception of Paramount's Transformers and G.I. Joe, Universal has an exclusive deal (i.e. for the ones no-one else wanted).

Upcoming adaptations of Monopoly (as previously reported, to be directed by Ridley Scott), Battleship, Candy Land and Ouija have caused Universal to issue a statement claiming that "Hasbro's portfolio of products has tremendous emotional resonance with children and adults. They offer an exciting opportunity for us to develop tentpole movies with built-in global brand awareness, which is a key component of our slate strategy." Or Slate Stratego: The Movie.

MICHAEL BAY SUCKS
A title about as imaginative as any of his movies

Twice in a week The Onion has made me laugh out loud. Their piece on Michael Bay's CG vanity project (whose synopsis is somewhat akin to "Michael Bay wins and accepts an Oscar) is solid stuff, and definitely worth checking out. Enjoy.

CGI Team Creates Realistic Oscar For Michael Bay

And I know it's been said before, but What The Fuck With Signs? How can you not really know (or care) if it's real or a hoax that far into a movie about an alien invasion?

I don't know what reminded me of that godawful movie.

And why in Fuck's name would "Aliens Who Are Lethally Allergic To Water" travel alleged light years to a planet that is 70% FUCKING WATER??????!!!!! Good one Monsieur Night.

Movie #3619
The Core
Jon Amiel, 2003, USA

This is long. But so is this movie. I have been meaning to get round to it for a while, and thanks to NetFlix's Instant Watch selection of modern classics, I checked it before I went to sleep last night...

Paramount's flop disaster-movie definitely arrived a few years after the fad, and plays like something where no-one really gives a shit. Which is appropriate. It boasts a stupid premise (earth's core has stopped moving, scientists must burrow down and reinstigate its movement) and an even 'stupid-er' script. Aaron Eckhart's explanation to a roomful of government men starts with "does anyone have any air freshener?", and via "the earth is like a giant peach" (obviously), ends with him setting fire to the air freshener and cooking the peach. Literally. Another fine bit is the action set-piece involving the burrowing thing finding 'empty space' inside the earth's mantle. Or the pigeon attack on the streets of London, featuring CG birds and a trout that the FX team thought would be a funny touch.

Stretching herself once again is two-time Oscar winner Hilary Swank as the prodigious astronaut, and the pay-check hungry Stanley Tucci as an arrogant diva scientist ... and DJ Qualls (remember him?) gets all the best lines, as super-hacker 'Rat', who refers to his abilities as 'Kung Fu'. Here are two good ones:

Rat: He wants me to hack the planet... Ok, *if* I decide to do this, I'll need an unlimited supply of Xena tapes and Hotpockets.

Rat: How many languages do you speak?
Zimsky: Five, actually.
Rat: I speak one. One Zero One Zero Zero. With that I could steal your money, your secrets, your sexual fantasies, your whole life. In any country, any time, any place I want. We multitask like you breathe. I couldn't think as slow as you if I tried.

Oh and the material that the ship is made of is called Unobtanium. Realistic. And fantastic.

There's no real emotional arc ... the scientists die, we get thirty-seconds of sad music and tears, and then laughter alleviates the alleged tension. I seldom have cared less if the earth indeed did get destroyed, and by the 2hr 15min mark you'll wish it was destroyed from the off-set. Eckhart's Dr. Josh Keyes sums it up best: "Feel free to throw up. I know I did"

Proof that those adverts I liked weren't always great. Complete with Romanian subtitles.



At least Darth Vader's getting work outside of Star Wars.

Woody Allen is a perv. We know this because of his relationship with his adopted daughter. But now the 73 y.o. auteur has written a lesbian sex scene between Penelope Cruz and Scarlett Johansson. Fresh from directing two of the worst accents in screen history* in Cassandra's Dream, the diminutive neurotic has directed a scene for upcoming Vicky Cristina Barcelona in which the two young starlets "will leave the audience gasping". How smutty.

*= Ewan McGregor and Colin Farrell play East London Boy brothers; the former sounds like a posh git trying to do a lebbage accent and the latter sounds like an Irish twat trying to do a lebbage accent. Fancy that.

Canadian Bryan Adams is now describing himself as a "singer-turned-photographer". Apparently the "Everything I Do" crooner (who also sang songs for that Spirit horse cartoon with some other chump), has photographed wholesome Lindsay Lohan, Amy Winehouse and Annie Lennox as part of a 'hearing loss awareness' campaign, Hear The World (which is what that one Michael Jackson song is called in Japan). Joss Stone and Moby have held their hands to their ears in "striking campaign images". What top blokes.

Harry Belafonte also chipped in, claiming "good hearing is extremely important. It has a lot of impact on personality. I noticed (when my hearing got worse) that my voice changed, and I had to speak more loudly. People thought that I was speaking more aggressively, and I didn't mean to be aggressive at all. I just think people should be very, very conscious and protective of their hearing."

Well you heard it hear first.

Hair and Southern Charm = Box Office Magic

Matthew McConaughey made a memorable splash as Dave Wooderson, the nearing-30 "wish I was in high school" stud of Dazed and Confused. Although it was his 2nd film (preceded by My Boyfriend's Back with the meaty role of Guy #2), Wooderson stood out in this indie gem particularly for those clever quips ("watch the leather man" and "love them red-heads"). However, has McConaughey made a decent film in the 15 years since Linklater's ensemble feature?

Phase 1: Budding star
Angels in the Outfield - supporting role reminiscent of Corbin Bernson in Major League
Return of Texas Chainsaw Massacre - plays Vilmer, brother of the inane Leatherface who is sadly a "deeper" character in this mess.
Judgement, Boys on the Side, Lone Star - a trio of films in which he plays a redneck cop. Lone Star is probably the best thus far.
A Time to Kill - the great wanker Joel Schumacher gives McConaughey "his big break" starring alongside then-hot Sandra Bullock in this cliche-filled Grisham adaptation exploring racism.
Larger than Life - destined for type-casting as Texas/Southern lawman, this was a change of pace acting alongside a pre-Wes Anderson Bill Murray. Did I mention the star of this film is a pachyderm?
Glory Daze - a film about the days just before graduating high school starring Ben Affleck. Sound familiar?

Phase 2: Makes a Splash
Contact - forgetable attempt to explore ideas of metaphysics and alien life. I prefer to invoke Mr. Garrison's summation of this film: *vomits* "That movie was terrible! Wait the entire movie to see the alien and it's her goddamn father!"
Amistad - Spielberg's attempt to explore the plight of another race. Cocky Southerness will work in a period piece, right?
The Rebel-star power enables him to be an auteur. This film proves he's no Welles.
The Newton Boys - four bros. become bank robbers in depression era Texas. PG-13 rating means it takes no cues from Bonnie and Clyde, the best of the genre.
Making Sandwiches - Sandra Bullock made a film?
EDtv-remember how this was supposed to compete with "The Truman Show"? Well it didn't.
U-571 - Oscar-winning film. For Sound.
The Wedding Planner - marks the beginning of his rom-com roles. Shit. All of them.
Thirteen Conversations about One Thing - "heady" film makes you think about interconnectedness of people's lives. I don't recall any of the conversations or what the "thing" is.

Phase 3: Can't Go Wrong
Reign of Fire - Dragons. Action. Explosions. Acting? Writing?
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days - Kate Hudson sets feminism back 20 years with her portrayal of a woman who wants to get dumped by her macho man.
Sahara - McConaughey plays Dirk Pitt, explorer extraordinaire accompanied by a wise-cracking sidekick. The two cross paths with heart of gold UN scientist Eva Rojas (Penelope Cruz). Nothing derivative about this film.
Two for the Money - stars alongside Al Pacino is this picture that no one knew existed. I'm sure he learned a ton from the veteran on this one.
Failure to Launch - the cover art to this does not resemble "How to Lose a Guy" in the slightest. He plays a 30-something immature man living with his parents. Must have been a stretch.
We are Marshall - ra-ra football, tragedy, triumph, and director McG!

Phase 4: Oscar
Out today, Fool's Gold with McConaughey and Hudson teaming up again on a crazy treasure seeking trip around the world. Sounds golden!

The IMDb average of the film's in McConaughey's canon following Dazed and Confused comes to 5.7* With his agent securing him challenging roles in the likes of steaming piles Surfer Dude, Tropic Thunder, The Ghosts of Girlfriend's Past and Hammer Down (all in production), we can expect that rating to rise, surely.

I miss Wooderson.

* = FYI, IMDB places Leon, Se7en, American History X, and Memento in the Top 50 of ALL-TIME.

Movie #3610
Santa With Muscles
John Murlowski, 1996, USA
"He's arrived in the St. Nick of time!"
Hulk Hogan as an evil millionaire with amnesia who becomes convinced he is the real Santa Clause (who lives in the North Pole and such) and must save an orphanage from evil scientists trying to kick them out to get to the magical crystals buried underneath in the conveniently locked catacombs????? Clint Howard further breaks out from typecasting (Bloke In Bro Ron Howard 's Movies) by playing an utterly inept cop. Inspired. Oh - and this features a hilarious performance by a 13-year old Mila Kunis, complete with wide-eyed bedazzlement. The IMDB claims this as the 28th worst film ever made. Perhaps generous.

So JDitty and myself like to do our own MST3K on ridiculous trailers (next time: Vantage Point … STOP! Go back!). Anyway, here we spend far more than the trailer’s two-and-a-half-minutes making fun of a horrible trailer, for an evidently piss-poor film, that does such a wonderful job of obeying the The Big Book of Trailer Cliche Moments and Tired Devices. I may leave this up for a while, so enjoy...



0:04 "Some material may be inappropriate for children under 13". This movie is inappopriate for humans of any ages, under the Trade Descriptions Act labelling it Entertainment.

0:06 Cue upbeat, fun, cheesy music

0:10 Jack explains he runs "hospitals, not health spas ... two beds to a room, no exceptions"

0:36 Oh-so-clever: the irony of "No exceptions" dawns on Jack when he himself becomes afflicted with a disease that makes him bed-ridden. And he has to share a room. How the mighty have fallen.

0:44 Jack calls Morgan Freeman "zombie boy"

0:50 we discover why the movie is called Bucket List. It isn't anything to write home about.

0:56 Jack Nicholson uses the term "cutesy". Jack Nicholson is 70 years old.

1:02 Joe Cocker gets us "Feeling' Alright" every time. Awesome.

1:03 Jack and Morgan go sky-diving. Hilarity ensues.

1:07 Morgan Freeman: "I hate your rotten guts". Fuck Walther Matthau and Jack Lemmon ... could Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson be the Odd Couple for the New Millennium (TM)?

1:20 Exotic Locale #1: Great Wall Of China. On Motorcycle. Rob Reiner wants us to know that a $45M budget buys you two Oscar winning actors (four Oscars between them) and a crew that will travel to the far ends of the earth to bring you is “art”.

1:21 Morgan: "I got 45 years greased up under the hood of a car...". No way?! The black man has a working class job, and tons of insight about life's true meaning. Maybe the wealthy white man, for all his material possessions, doesn't get life or true happiness. Maybe this thematic device has never been explored before in a film.

1:33 Morgan: What are you so afraid of? Jack: Just because I told you my story, does not invite you to be a part of it! Best. Line. EVER.

1:38 Sad music. Tonal change. Because Rob Reiner wants us to remember that movies about the terminally ill aren't all fun and games.

1:42 "Dear Edward" says a no-doubt-posthumous Morgan Freeman. This may be the first time anyone's had him do a voice-over.

1:45 Locale #2: Taj Mahal

1:46 "A Film By Rob Reiner", who was only good in the 80s. And whose lack of vision is trying to cater to the baby-boomers, via movies about facing old age and life's past mistakes. *Yawn*

1:51 Locale #3: The Pyramids

1:55 The sad music evolves into something more uplifting. Because life is a roller-coaster like that.

1:59 JACK TORRANCE IS STILL ALIVE! Nicholson reminds us that he still remembers The Shining and that he can be creepy in ANYTHING.

2:02 "We live. We died. And the wheels on the bus go round and round." That's what happens when the white man tries to be wise and deep.

2:08 Jack meets the granddaughter he never knew he had, and decades of being a neglectful and selfish father are forgotten as he redeems himself before kicking the bucket. Touching. And definitely something we should learn from a PREVIEW.

2:15 The Post-Title Final Trailer Gag, an underused device: "Nobody cares what you think". Because it's Jack from "Will And Grace". And he's gay. And Nicholson's old. And Jack Nicholson playing a cantankerous homophobe was not explored in As Good As It Gets.

This movie opened at #1. Shame on America.

So I’ve been using BoxOfficeMojo for years, and pride myself in having discovered said resource before its ascent to industry authority. However, I stumbled across a rather ridiculous category that Passion of the Christ topped: Controversy Movies. And some of my newly-crowned favourite ‘Top Grossing Controversial Movies’ include...

3. The Day After Tomorrow (Global Warming)

8. Barbershop (Anti-black leaders)

12. Thelma and Louise (Feminism)

17. Powder (Child molestor director)

21. Battlefield Earth (Scientology)

24. Transformers: The Movie [1987] (Animated use of “s-word”)

28. The Pope Must Die(Offensive Title)

The very fact that #11 on the list grossed $50M and #22 grossed a paltry $8M strongly suggests they’re clutching at something distinctly straw-colored here.

Also check out other amusing sub-genres, such as: Dragon as Focal Point of Movie (an extensive list of 7) and Dragon as Supporting Role (featuring a different 7), Irish, Shark (almost entirely Jaws and Computer Animation) and Period Sports (such as Friday Night Lights).

P.S. To the Sean Young bit below...

Young's grand display of legless drunkenness is most impressive considering that drinks at the event were only served for one hour. Furthermore, the has-been - who was seated at Steven Soderbergh's table - apparently slugged a helpless DGA employee in the face after being escorted back-stage. What a winner.

So the next Bond movie is to be called Quantum Of Solace. No joke. By the end of the year, lines of devoted fans are going to go up to the usher and say “Two for quantum of solace please”. Daniel Craig has defended the choice “We have gone for a snappier title” … cos that’s how I would obviously describe it. “It comes from the idea that in a relationship, if you don’t have a quantum of solace left in your relationship, then give up. Where Bond is left at the end of the last movie, his heart’s been broken and he doesn’t have that quantum of solace, he doesn’t have that”. Also stupid: nicking the two Bond girls from bad movies … Olga Kurylenko starred, usually scantily clad (or gratuitously nude), in the video game adaptation of Hitman whilst Gemma Arterton recently shot to fame as the star of the god awful St. Trinian’s.

Meanwhile, I never thought I would say this … but big up to Zac Efron, of High School Musical. The Hairspray star has shown remarkable maturity in the face of constant ‘accusations’ of being gay: “Honestly, if the worst these people can say about me is that I’m gay, then I think I’ll be fine. I can handle it.” Refreshingly unhomophobic for a 20-year old Disney kid.

Once Upon A Time there was a supposedly promising actress called Sean Young. In case you have – understandably – forgotten her, after her debut in Jane Austen in Manhattan, she became that woman from No Way Out, Wall Street and Blade Runner. The 90’s weren’t as kind, and she later travelled via the clever Armanda Assante vehicle Fatal Instinct to a role as a sloppy transsexual in Ace Venture: Pet Detective and ended up as a DTV (see the stellar In The Shadow of the Cobra) starlet that was once sorta famous. Until now.

Good Old Sean Young ... apparently she had to be escorted out of the DGA Awards last weekend for heckling nominee Julian Schnabel’s speech. Interrupting with the clever interjection “Come on – get to it!”, it caused a brief pause long enough for her to be escorted from the venue by two large security guards. She fell over (classily) as she left.

In the week since, she has been admitted into rehab for alcoholism.

And She Lived Happily Ever After?

WHAT THE FUCK?! Nancy “Bart Simpson’s Voice” Cartwright gave a stunning $10M to the cause of Scientology, almost two times her annual take from the long-running sit-com. Seriously … $10M! For her efforts, she gets the Patron Laureate Award, which amount to more than the religion’s vice-leader Tom Cruise’s donations over the last four years (circa $5M). Cartwright joins the likes of Kirstie Alley and Priscilla Presley, the latter (who suffers from a fear of flying, but not Scientology) picking up Diamond Meritorious Award for a $5M donation, the former a Patron Award for a paltry $50k. Prizes are apparently handed out at a top secret ceremony in Florida.

Movie #3593
Bombay Talkie
James Ivory, 1970, UK
I added this to my NetFlix queue as my new wife and I have been listening to a song from its soundtrack, “Typewriter, Tip Tip Tip Tip”, since she heard it on the [Heavily Plagiarised] Darjeeling Limited OST. However, the film is as boring as it is ridiculously melodramatic. A love triangle between three utterly unbelievably and uninteresting characters – a female English writer, an Indian writer, and a Bollywood star – I can barely remember anything that happened because I cared so little. James Ivory – you should (and usually do) know better.

Released the same year I was (1983), and directed by some guy called Dick Maas, this is a trailer for a Dutch horror movie about a killer lift. No, really. I stumbled across this slice of heaven whilst watching a VHS copy of Luis Bunuel’s Wuthering Heights, which is poor demographic targeting. This is the only online trailer I could find, so the classic last line is clipped annoyingly, but you get the point.



“take the stairs. Take The Stairs. For God’s SAKE TAKE THE STAIRS!!!”
Interesting trivia…

• Maas was fired after arguing with producer Matthijs van Heijningen, but rehired the next day because van Heijningen couldn't do it without him.
• The scene where the security guard is decapitated by the elevator was shot several times, which explains why the evidently prosthetic head that falls down the shaft is smudged and disfigured.

Paul Haggis’ Crash is getting its long deserved and neglected TV spin-off. The multi-layered racial narrative, and obviously the best movie of 2004, follows 1967’s In The Heat Of The Night as only the second Best Picture Winner to get the TV treatment. The feature was inspired by Haggis’ real-life car-jacking experience, when he presumably realised that “there are people out there, people that are black, yellow, green and red, and some of them aren’t rich like me”. Only Don Cheadle is confirmed for returning to the fold, though I hear Brendan Fraser, Sandra Bullock and Ludacris are doing nothing, and can no doubt be coerced.
Cheadle - who first caught my eye during the turn-of-the-century’s glut of God As A Black Man roles* - will also undertake producing duties, on the 13 one-hour episodes. Crash currently resides as the IMDB’s 155th Best Film of All-Time, one below David Lean’s Brief Encounter.
If you have time, click here to watch a video of "In The Deep" by Bird York, as it was performed at the Oscars; perhaps the most pretentious and creepy Oscar performance ever, it came complete with what seem to definitely be zombies.
* = The Family Man. See Also: Will Smith in The Legend of Bagger Vance, Samuel L Jackson in Unbreakable, Michael Clarke Duncan in The Green Mile

After that Macaulay Culkin vid, here's Steven Seagal making fun of himself...

The annoucement that Guillermo Blade 2 Del Mimic Toro is to helm The Hobbit isn't incredibly exciting, but it's better than some of the other names that have been discussed on message-boards:

Joel Schumacher - Bilbo's mithril is designed as a butt-hugging S&M knock-off, with holes around the nipple areas. Elron is still played by Hugo Weaving, but utilising his costume from Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert.

George Lucas - the whole film is a two-shot of Bilbo and Gandalf as various blue-screened computerised gimmicks fly and run through the background. Takes 9 months and $250M to make.

Robert Rodriguez - the whole film is a two-shot of Bilbo and Gandalf as various green-screened comic-book looking gimmicks fly and run through the background. With lots of cussing. And misogyny. Takes 9 days and $250k to make.

M. Night Shyamalan - unbeknownst to inhabitants, The Shire is really an amusement park in Houston. And Gandalf is a ghost.

Spike Lee - noted for a scene in which Thorin Oakenshield rants about various factions of dwarves, using a variety of colorful and descriptive insults.

Tim Burton - Sr. Depp plays an all-singing, all-dancing and incredibly iconoclastic Gollum. Helena Bonham-Carter voices Smaug. It's rated PG-13 and is decreed not as good as the original.

David Lynch - shot on a camera-phone, this surrealist piece is told - through a series of dream sequences - from the perspective of a slug that tried to lift the ring, but was squashed by Smeagol.

David Cronenberg - rather than subjecting him to riddles, Gollum makes Bilbo indulge in some really weird sex, after which Bilbo is plagued by flashbacks of the spider attack sequence.

Michael Bay - final shot is a slow-mo low-angle of Bilbo on dragon-back, flying into a filtered orange sunset. Steve Buscemi plays a wily troll.

Movies You Should Know To Miss

Sometimes in our dullest moments we gravitate to whatever steaming pile of so-called filmmaking is found on cable television in order to achieve some sort of mental catharsis or drift farther into a comatose phase of ridiculous media consumption. This weekend I found myself watching snippits of the great 2005 Sony release, "Stealth." Perhaps a vehicle to promote U.S. technological military dominance or more likely a reason to put doofuses Jessica Biel, Josh Lucas and Jamie Foxx into a "Top Gun" meets "2001" sci-fi action adventure! Too bad there wasn't a beach volleyball scene.
I'm going to spoil this movie for whoever hasn't seen it, which you shouldn't. For those who have, let us laugh about the following moments of brilliant cinema:
-Gratuitous Biel in bikini scene. Did I mention it was at a pristine waterfall in Thailand. Makes perfect sense militarily.
-Jamie Foxx dying pretty early in the film. (Reminiscent of "Executive Decision," a film billed as a Steven Segal vehicle even though he dies in the first 20 minutes. Keep in mind this was Foxx's first release following the Oscar win.) The crash sequence was done in absurd slow-motion revealing the obvious model that was filling in for the high-speed computer generated plane Foxx was seen in moments prior.
-Jessica Biel's 5-minute descent to earth after ejecting from her ship's explosion, which entailed her narrating the whole thing. "4,000 feet!" "There's flaming wreckage all around me!" "I'm coming in to fast!"
-The stealth ship has a monotone voice oddly familiar to some similarly plotted film of a computer developing consciousness. The computer, named EDI, spoken "Eddie," had a glowing reddish blue orb-like eye that it could see out of and overhear conversations between the treacherous career-driven commander and his subordinate, the charmingly strong-minded ace fighter pilot, Josh Lucas.
-The subsequent relationship that unfolds between EDI and Lucas, a sort of techno buddy picture, as they are out to save the "behind enemy lines in North Korea" Biel, all the while scorning the treacherous commanding officer.
-A sweet rock 'n' roll soundtrack that seems to accompany EDI as he flies about the world.
-Surprise! Director Rob Cohen was also responsible for such expertly edited/acted/produced/shot/written films as "Fast and the Furious," "Daylight," and "xXx." Additionally this film was made in cooperation with the U.S. Navy. I wonder if that has anything to do with its pro-military bent?

from Shadie: My favourite bit is the last line.
MALE DOUCHEBAG: You know, me and you ... we're two. And two's a prime number. Which makes it a lucky number. (Pause) I guess what I'm trying to say is we're really lucky.
JESSICA BIEL: Shut up and tell me you love me, you pussy.
T H E E N D
What the fuck does that mean?!

Movie #3582
Dirty Sanchez: The Movie
Jim Hickey, 2007, UK
Any piss artist attempting to claim Brits are more sophisticated than Yanks can be silenced by perusing this utterly grotesque take on Jackass. Displaying none of its predecessor's sporadic charm, this is a mindless trip into contrived nonsense. At one point "The Portly One" gets liposuction without anesthesia, an impressive example of a high pain threshhold. One of his mates drinking the bloody fat, is less pleasant. Director Hickey perfects the shot-reverse-[vomit]-shot, with a vast array of regurgitative reactions, which seems to be the only aim of this prime example of why the English don't like the Welsh.

Movies, Under the Influence
by Zimos

In the Name of all that is holy, what the hell was Jason Statham thinking?

For those unsure how Uwe Boll came to the profession of feature film directing, the answer lies in German tax law. Essentially, it was profitable from a tax standpoint for German companies to invest in movies that lost money. Kind of like in The Producers, except instead of "Springtime for Hitler and Germany" there are only awful adaptations of videogames. For Hitler and Germany. In Uwe Boll, German investors found the answer to their prayers, a director who could reliably create money-losers time and time again.

In his latest, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, Boll has brought together a cast of actors who, surprisingly, I have heard of, to bring to life a PC-based role-playing game. For his previous film, Bloodrayne, based on a nazi-killing vampire game, Uwe set his story in medieval times. True to form, this time around Mr. Boll has created a nearly dungeonless “dungeon siege tale”. The story centers around Farmer (Jason Statham), a man with no name who wants nothing more than to live in peace with his wife (Claire Forlani) and son and raise crops. When the Orcs from Lord of the Rings redubbed “the Krug” attack the neighboring town, Farmer’s family is kidnapped and he is forced into action. With his agricultural background, it stands to reason Farmer is an unstoppable warrior who must lead the fight against the forces of evil. Burt Reynolds, Ray Liotta, John Rhys Davies and Leelee Sobieski co-star.

There exists a time-tested formula that states that the larger the poster the worse the movie. So, based on the 50 square-foot monstrosity in the theater lobby, I knew I was in for a real treat. As I sat there watching the film a number of elements of the film were exactly as expected. The script was so bad it was as though it was adapted from a 14-year-old’s D&D campaign. The sound was so far out of sync I felt like I was watching a Leone movie. Overall, though, my experience with In the Name of the King reminded me of the story of a man and his chicken sandwich. Once upon a time a man ordered a McDonald’s McChicken sandwich, took it home and ate his first bite. It would be better, he decided with a different bun, so he replaced it with a bun he had in his kitchen. Further tastings resulted in the addition of lettuce, tomato, onion, cheese and sliced ham. After his next bite something still wasn’t quite right so he removed the chicken patty and enjoyed the rest of his McChicken sandwich immensely. In much the same fashion by adding booze, cracking jokes loudly with good friends and not really paying that much attention to the film, this Dungeon Siege Tale can be enjoyed, but credit must be placed where it is truly deserved, with Mr. Beam, not Mr. Boll.

I do not find Paris Hilton interesting at all.

In apparently similar news, I've always been astounded at the idea of Ivy League schools with their apparent credibility and the cost of an education from one of these elitist academies.

And, today, Harvard University has announced that Paris Hilton will be the recipient of Harvard's "Woman of the Year" award. Amazingly able to pencil it into her hectic schedule, she will stop in Cambridge, MA and pick up the award during the promotional tour of her new film The Hottie and the Nottie.

This marks the first time the Harvard honor has gone to a recipient of another, albeit less prestigious, decoration: Mitch has seen your vagina in a youtube video.

-mitch

Busy weekend of coming to Portland (complete with funny customs story) and turning 25. Feel old. More posts to resume shortly ... in the meantime click here to become one of my NetFlix friends.

“A gripping psychological thriller that will have you guessing from start to finish” - Peter Hammon on Premonition

Maxim Magazine’s petite film review section is sort of the KFC Popcorn Chicken for filling the cinephile’s appetite, yet Peter Hammond was recently fired from said rag, for being a “critic whore”. Like Rolling Stones’ Peter Travers or Daily Mail’s Baz Bamigboye (I have always wished it was Baz BamBigBoy), they value seeing their name + quotable nugget on a poster, over having any worthwhile opinion or taste. Here are some of Hammond’s best-written one-liners from this past year:

"Do not miss this film" - Zodiac
"Do yourself a big favor and put this movie at the top of your must-see list" - Starter for 10
"This is a movie not to be missed" - A Mighty Heart
"The can't miss it, gotta see it feel great comedy of the year" - Dan In Real Life
"This is one of those rare gems you must not miss" - Control
"One to see!" - Resurrecting the Champ
"Everyone should see it" - In the Shadow of the Moon
"A movie that should - and must - be seen" - Trade
"A movie you must see" - Reign Over Me
"It's a must-see movie!" - The TV Set
"A must-see film that audiences will love" - The Bucket List
"A must-see movie" - The Number 23

He also overused the word shocker this year…
"A fiercely original shocker" - Alpha Dog
"An absolute shocker in every way imaginable" - Hannibal Rising
"A smart, highly entertaining non-stop shocker" - 1408
"A true shocker that will shatter your nerves and get you talking" - The Brave One

Based on the evidence above, Hammond may be more respected in England, where unbeknownst to him, 'shocker' is synonymous with 'really fucking dreadful'.

"Have you ever been embarrassed, ashamed, or exposed?"

Take a lesson from Dr. T, who's been in all three situations:

The truly excellent Charlie Wilson’s War is after all a true story, and apparently the real life Charlie Wilson and Joanne Herring take offense to a couple of elements of their characterisations: “"I didn't like the cursing, the drinking and the blatant sex. They turned me into a kooky hypocritical tart”, claims 78 yo Herring (played by Julia Roberts with a truly dodgy Texan accent). Even less flattering are the implications that whilst these two supposed heroes may have ended the Cold War, they also armed and trained Afghanistani troops in a manner that would years later hijack a couple of planes and bite the Americans in the ass. After all, being represented as “foul-mouthed, religious and sex-obsessed” isn’t half as band as being responsible for the slew of bad country songs that emerged in the wake of 9/11.

For people that don’t live in the UK and don’t get to see this… ever wonder what Macaulay Culkin has been up to? I think this is hilarious. If there’s any sort of desire on peoples’ part to see this kind of thing let me know.

Movie #3571
Good Luck Chuck
Mark Helfrich, USA
One of the worst films of last year … felt dirty watching it. Constantly rooted in utterly bad taste. Dane Cook simply can’t act and doesn’t produce a single laugh the whole film. And with his kookily inconsistent leading lady, Jessica Alba, he shares the sort of chemistry you’d expect from a coupling of Gandhi and Hitler, but with less individual charisma. Worst of all is Dan Fogler, as the misogynistic best-friend, who uses terms such as “baby gravy” and “man chowder”, and at one point puts a scrubbing brush up his ass as he masturbates into a grapefruit. Make sure to stay for the credit bit where Cook indulges in foreplay by eating the ass of one of Alba’s stuffed penguin dolls. As I said … bad taste.

I resent how Britney keeps outdoing herself and forcing my hand into writing about her. Yesterday she apparently refused to hand over her two and one year-old kids to ex-hubbie K-Feddy, and partook in a four-hour stand-off, causing “several police helicopters, cop cars, ambulances and fire trucks” to arrive at Spears’ LA home along with “additional back-up vehicles and officers”. This is evidently absurd. Spears has been taken to hospital for a long overdue psychiatric evaluation (can’t imagine the results of that one). It represents a triumph for Hell-A’s Emergency Response Units, who are claiming they were ready for any potential Spears action, whether it was donning a jet pack and taking off over The Hillz or spontaneously combusting in situ.

The problem with a writer’s strike, is that shows seem like they are breeding asexually and writing themselves. New York is now the setting for two wonderful sounding new dramas … the decidedly female-oriented-sounding Cashmere Mafia and Lipstick Jungle. The first stars Lucy “Rise: Blood Hunter*” Liu, Mirando Otto and France Conroy as female execs balancing work and family, and the latter stars Brooke Shields, Kim Raver** and Lindsay Price as three high-powered women, um, balancing work and family. Never been done before.
*Incidentally, how the hell do you cast The Shield's Michael Chiklis as a hard-ass cop, and make him boring? Good job.
** The one from 24 that never stops crying. Except to have a nervous breakdown after being tortured and never talks again.

The wankers over at David Duchovny’s show Californication failed to check with one-time-good band Red Hot Chili Peppers whether it was OK for them to appropriate the name of their most famous album. “For some TV show to come along and steal our identity is not right” says notoriously-moral Anthony Kiedis, the tattooed front man of the second-best-band-with-the-word-Pepper-in-its-title…ever (TM). Any attempts to claim it was coincidence can be silenced with a reminder that there’s a character called Dani California, which is of course a track from the Chili’s last album. Depending on how this case goes, maybe I should sue this movie.

...and they're trickling in.

MITCH'S TOP FILMS
1. No Country For Old Men
2. There Will Be Blood*
3. Eastern Promises
*=Mitch has yet to see There Will Be Blood, but intends to in 2008.

I saw 154 of the new movies released in 2007, and these are the Best, my favourites, the ones I still need to see, and the worst…

Best Films of 2007:
1. There Will Be Blood
2. The Lives Of Others
3. Ten Canoes
4. No Country For Old Men
5. Eastern Promises
6. The Band's Visit
7. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
8. Lars and the Real Girl
9. Stardust
10. This is England
11. Exiled
12. Once
13. Away From Her
14. Assassination of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford
15. Charlie Wilson's War
16. I'm Not There
17. Before The Devil Knows You're Dead
18. Atonement
19. Rescue Dawn
20. Michael Clayton
21. Zodiac
22. Juno
23. The Lookout
24. Across The Universe
25. Gone Baby Gone
26. Margot at the Wedding
27. Lust, Caution
28. Sweeney Todd
29. You Kill Me
30. The Kite Runner

Favourite Films of 2007:
1. Heima
2. Stardust
3. Eagle Vs. Shark
4. Across the Universe
5. Hot Fuzz
6. Exiled
7. Once
8. Simpsons Movie
9. Knocked Up
10. Ratatouille
11. Halloween
12. Taare Zameen Par
13. Sunshine
14. Shoot 'Em Up

Things I Still Need To See: 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days; 12:08 East of Bucharest; The Savages; Tropa De Elite; Persepolis

Worst Films
1. Epic Movie
2. Bratz
3. Mr. Bean’s Holiday
4. Southland Tales
5. Dead Silence

Michael Bay Award For Least Deserved Box Office Hit: Transformers and Wild Hogs
Russell Mulcahy Award For Worst Plot: I Know Who Killed Me
for Most Disappointing Sequel: Hills Have Eyes 2
Sylvester Stallone Award For Most Unnecessary Sequel/Prequel: Hannibal Rising and Wrong Turn 2
Farrelly Brothers Award For Most Offensive Film (tie): Dirty Sanchez & Good Luck Chuck
Richard Gere Award For Least Imaginative Film: The Condemned
Bono Award For Most Misguidedly Patriotic: Home of the Brave
Brett Ratner Award For Most Disappointing Film: TMNT and Beowulf
John Carpenter Award For Most Forgettable Film: Outlaw, Blood and Chocolate and Rise: Blood Hunter
Joel Schumacher Award for Messy Direction: The Number 23

ANGEL'S Top 10
No Country for Old Men
Michael Clayton
Knocked Up
Juno
Ratatouille
3:10 to Yuma
Hot Fuzz
Sunshine
Eastern Promises
The Namesake

...and the Worst
Wendel Baker Story

Feel free to post your own lists as a comment response to this post...