Movie #3619
The Core
Jon Amiel, 2003, USA

This is long. But so is this movie. I have been meaning to get round to it for a while, and thanks to NetFlix's Instant Watch selection of modern classics, I checked it before I went to sleep last night...

Paramount's flop disaster-movie definitely arrived a few years after the fad, and plays like something where no-one really gives a shit. Which is appropriate. It boasts a stupid premise (earth's core has stopped moving, scientists must burrow down and reinstigate its movement) and an even 'stupid-er' script. Aaron Eckhart's explanation to a roomful of government men starts with "does anyone have any air freshener?", and via "the earth is like a giant peach" (obviously), ends with him setting fire to the air freshener and cooking the peach. Literally. Another fine bit is the action set-piece involving the burrowing thing finding 'empty space' inside the earth's mantle. Or the pigeon attack on the streets of London, featuring CG birds and a trout that the FX team thought would be a funny touch.

Stretching herself once again is two-time Oscar winner Hilary Swank as the prodigious astronaut, and the pay-check hungry Stanley Tucci as an arrogant diva scientist ... and DJ Qualls (remember him?) gets all the best lines, as super-hacker 'Rat', who refers to his abilities as 'Kung Fu'. Here are two good ones:

Rat: He wants me to hack the planet... Ok, *if* I decide to do this, I'll need an unlimited supply of Xena tapes and Hotpockets.

Rat: How many languages do you speak?
Zimsky: Five, actually.
Rat: I speak one. One Zero One Zero Zero. With that I could steal your money, your secrets, your sexual fantasies, your whole life. In any country, any time, any place I want. We multitask like you breathe. I couldn't think as slow as you if I tried.

Oh and the material that the ship is made of is called Unobtanium. Realistic. And fantastic.

There's no real emotional arc ... the scientists die, we get thirty-seconds of sad music and tears, and then laughter alleviates the alleged tension. I seldom have cared less if the earth indeed did get destroyed, and by the 2hr 15min mark you'll wish it was destroyed from the off-set. Eckhart's Dr. Josh Keyes sums it up best: "Feel free to throw up. I know I did"