Fred and Sean's brief stay is over. They were far more entertaining than the Academy Awards.

Seriously, had you said that the Coens would get three gongs each, Daniel Day-Lewis would be feted with no Yanks in sight amongst the acting awards (and that Javier would get his), and that I still would be bored shitless, I'd have not believed you.

I don't know why I am ever surprised about the event. I keep thinking that it's got to be good, but it really never is. At least the awards went largely to people who deserve them.

So glad that Enchanted was nominated 3 times for song, and that they still perform all of those. And Bourne Ultimatum should have received the second most awards obviously.

I can't even sarcastically congratulate the usually "solid" Sr. Stewart; he was visible nervous, and most criminally NOT AT ALL FUNNY. When occasionally a joke didn't entirely tank, he attempted to milk it ad nauseum, and when he had nothing clever to say, he'd rouse a round of congratulatory applause for someone talented in the audience. So at least he wasn't all about crutches.

I didn't see Tilda Swinton coming btw. Anyone else call that?

Really?

No sooner can you say "bad movie ideas in disguise" than Universal has announced a partnership with Hasbro to make a series of features based around its toys and games. With the exception of Paramount's Transformers and G.I. Joe, Universal has an exclusive deal (i.e. for the ones no-one else wanted).

Upcoming adaptations of Monopoly (as previously reported, to be directed by Ridley Scott), Battleship, Candy Land and Ouija have caused Universal to issue a statement claiming that "Hasbro's portfolio of products has tremendous emotional resonance with children and adults. They offer an exciting opportunity for us to develop tentpole movies with built-in global brand awareness, which is a key component of our slate strategy." Or Slate Stratego: The Movie.

MICHAEL BAY SUCKS
A title about as imaginative as any of his movies

Twice in a week The Onion has made me laugh out loud. Their piece on Michael Bay's CG vanity project (whose synopsis is somewhat akin to "Michael Bay wins and accepts an Oscar) is solid stuff, and definitely worth checking out. Enjoy.

CGI Team Creates Realistic Oscar For Michael Bay

And I know it's been said before, but What The Fuck With Signs? How can you not really know (or care) if it's real or a hoax that far into a movie about an alien invasion?

I don't know what reminded me of that godawful movie.

And why in Fuck's name would "Aliens Who Are Lethally Allergic To Water" travel alleged light years to a planet that is 70% FUCKING WATER??????!!!!! Good one Monsieur Night.

Movie #3619
The Core
Jon Amiel, 2003, USA

This is long. But so is this movie. I have been meaning to get round to it for a while, and thanks to NetFlix's Instant Watch selection of modern classics, I checked it before I went to sleep last night...

Paramount's flop disaster-movie definitely arrived a few years after the fad, and plays like something where no-one really gives a shit. Which is appropriate. It boasts a stupid premise (earth's core has stopped moving, scientists must burrow down and reinstigate its movement) and an even 'stupid-er' script. Aaron Eckhart's explanation to a roomful of government men starts with "does anyone have any air freshener?", and via "the earth is like a giant peach" (obviously), ends with him setting fire to the air freshener and cooking the peach. Literally. Another fine bit is the action set-piece involving the burrowing thing finding 'empty space' inside the earth's mantle. Or the pigeon attack on the streets of London, featuring CG birds and a trout that the FX team thought would be a funny touch.

Stretching herself once again is two-time Oscar winner Hilary Swank as the prodigious astronaut, and the pay-check hungry Stanley Tucci as an arrogant diva scientist ... and DJ Qualls (remember him?) gets all the best lines, as super-hacker 'Rat', who refers to his abilities as 'Kung Fu'. Here are two good ones:

Rat: He wants me to hack the planet... Ok, *if* I decide to do this, I'll need an unlimited supply of Xena tapes and Hotpockets.

Rat: How many languages do you speak?
Zimsky: Five, actually.
Rat: I speak one. One Zero One Zero Zero. With that I could steal your money, your secrets, your sexual fantasies, your whole life. In any country, any time, any place I want. We multitask like you breathe. I couldn't think as slow as you if I tried.

Oh and the material that the ship is made of is called Unobtanium. Realistic. And fantastic.

There's no real emotional arc ... the scientists die, we get thirty-seconds of sad music and tears, and then laughter alleviates the alleged tension. I seldom have cared less if the earth indeed did get destroyed, and by the 2hr 15min mark you'll wish it was destroyed from the off-set. Eckhart's Dr. Josh Keyes sums it up best: "Feel free to throw up. I know I did"

Proof that those adverts I liked weren't always great. Complete with Romanian subtitles.



At least Darth Vader's getting work outside of Star Wars.

Woody Allen is a perv. We know this because of his relationship with his adopted daughter. But now the 73 y.o. auteur has written a lesbian sex scene between Penelope Cruz and Scarlett Johansson. Fresh from directing two of the worst accents in screen history* in Cassandra's Dream, the diminutive neurotic has directed a scene for upcoming Vicky Cristina Barcelona in which the two young starlets "will leave the audience gasping". How smutty.

*= Ewan McGregor and Colin Farrell play East London Boy brothers; the former sounds like a posh git trying to do a lebbage accent and the latter sounds like an Irish twat trying to do a lebbage accent. Fancy that.

Canadian Bryan Adams is now describing himself as a "singer-turned-photographer". Apparently the "Everything I Do" crooner (who also sang songs for that Spirit horse cartoon with some other chump), has photographed wholesome Lindsay Lohan, Amy Winehouse and Annie Lennox as part of a 'hearing loss awareness' campaign, Hear The World (which is what that one Michael Jackson song is called in Japan). Joss Stone and Moby have held their hands to their ears in "striking campaign images". What top blokes.

Harry Belafonte also chipped in, claiming "good hearing is extremely important. It has a lot of impact on personality. I noticed (when my hearing got worse) that my voice changed, and I had to speak more loudly. People thought that I was speaking more aggressively, and I didn't mean to be aggressive at all. I just think people should be very, very conscious and protective of their hearing."

Well you heard it hear first.

Hair and Southern Charm = Box Office Magic

Matthew McConaughey made a memorable splash as Dave Wooderson, the nearing-30 "wish I was in high school" stud of Dazed and Confused. Although it was his 2nd film (preceded by My Boyfriend's Back with the meaty role of Guy #2), Wooderson stood out in this indie gem particularly for those clever quips ("watch the leather man" and "love them red-heads"). However, has McConaughey made a decent film in the 15 years since Linklater's ensemble feature?

Phase 1: Budding star
Angels in the Outfield - supporting role reminiscent of Corbin Bernson in Major League
Return of Texas Chainsaw Massacre - plays Vilmer, brother of the inane Leatherface who is sadly a "deeper" character in this mess.
Judgement, Boys on the Side, Lone Star - a trio of films in which he plays a redneck cop. Lone Star is probably the best thus far.
A Time to Kill - the great wanker Joel Schumacher gives McConaughey "his big break" starring alongside then-hot Sandra Bullock in this cliche-filled Grisham adaptation exploring racism.
Larger than Life - destined for type-casting as Texas/Southern lawman, this was a change of pace acting alongside a pre-Wes Anderson Bill Murray. Did I mention the star of this film is a pachyderm?
Glory Daze - a film about the days just before graduating high school starring Ben Affleck. Sound familiar?

Phase 2: Makes a Splash
Contact - forgetable attempt to explore ideas of metaphysics and alien life. I prefer to invoke Mr. Garrison's summation of this film: *vomits* "That movie was terrible! Wait the entire movie to see the alien and it's her goddamn father!"
Amistad - Spielberg's attempt to explore the plight of another race. Cocky Southerness will work in a period piece, right?
The Rebel-star power enables him to be an auteur. This film proves he's no Welles.
The Newton Boys - four bros. become bank robbers in depression era Texas. PG-13 rating means it takes no cues from Bonnie and Clyde, the best of the genre.
Making Sandwiches - Sandra Bullock made a film?
EDtv-remember how this was supposed to compete with "The Truman Show"? Well it didn't.
U-571 - Oscar-winning film. For Sound.
The Wedding Planner - marks the beginning of his rom-com roles. Shit. All of them.
Thirteen Conversations about One Thing - "heady" film makes you think about interconnectedness of people's lives. I don't recall any of the conversations or what the "thing" is.

Phase 3: Can't Go Wrong
Reign of Fire - Dragons. Action. Explosions. Acting? Writing?
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days - Kate Hudson sets feminism back 20 years with her portrayal of a woman who wants to get dumped by her macho man.
Sahara - McConaughey plays Dirk Pitt, explorer extraordinaire accompanied by a wise-cracking sidekick. The two cross paths with heart of gold UN scientist Eva Rojas (Penelope Cruz). Nothing derivative about this film.
Two for the Money - stars alongside Al Pacino is this picture that no one knew existed. I'm sure he learned a ton from the veteran on this one.
Failure to Launch - the cover art to this does not resemble "How to Lose a Guy" in the slightest. He plays a 30-something immature man living with his parents. Must have been a stretch.
We are Marshall - ra-ra football, tragedy, triumph, and director McG!

Phase 4: Oscar
Out today, Fool's Gold with McConaughey and Hudson teaming up again on a crazy treasure seeking trip around the world. Sounds golden!

The IMDb average of the film's in McConaughey's canon following Dazed and Confused comes to 5.7* With his agent securing him challenging roles in the likes of steaming piles Surfer Dude, Tropic Thunder, The Ghosts of Girlfriend's Past and Hammer Down (all in production), we can expect that rating to rise, surely.

I miss Wooderson.

* = FYI, IMDB places Leon, Se7en, American History X, and Memento in the Top 50 of ALL-TIME.

Movie #3610
Santa With Muscles
John Murlowski, 1996, USA
"He's arrived in the St. Nick of time!"
Hulk Hogan as an evil millionaire with amnesia who becomes convinced he is the real Santa Clause (who lives in the North Pole and such) and must save an orphanage from evil scientists trying to kick them out to get to the magical crystals buried underneath in the conveniently locked catacombs????? Clint Howard further breaks out from typecasting (Bloke In Bro Ron Howard 's Movies) by playing an utterly inept cop. Inspired. Oh - and this features a hilarious performance by a 13-year old Mila Kunis, complete with wide-eyed bedazzlement. The IMDB claims this as the 28th worst film ever made. Perhaps generous.

So JDitty and myself like to do our own MST3K on ridiculous trailers (next time: Vantage Point … STOP! Go back!). Anyway, here we spend far more than the trailer’s two-and-a-half-minutes making fun of a horrible trailer, for an evidently piss-poor film, that does such a wonderful job of obeying the The Big Book of Trailer Cliche Moments and Tired Devices. I may leave this up for a while, so enjoy...



0:04 "Some material may be inappropriate for children under 13". This movie is inappopriate for humans of any ages, under the Trade Descriptions Act labelling it Entertainment.

0:06 Cue upbeat, fun, cheesy music

0:10 Jack explains he runs "hospitals, not health spas ... two beds to a room, no exceptions"

0:36 Oh-so-clever: the irony of "No exceptions" dawns on Jack when he himself becomes afflicted with a disease that makes him bed-ridden. And he has to share a room. How the mighty have fallen.

0:44 Jack calls Morgan Freeman "zombie boy"

0:50 we discover why the movie is called Bucket List. It isn't anything to write home about.

0:56 Jack Nicholson uses the term "cutesy". Jack Nicholson is 70 years old.

1:02 Joe Cocker gets us "Feeling' Alright" every time. Awesome.

1:03 Jack and Morgan go sky-diving. Hilarity ensues.

1:07 Morgan Freeman: "I hate your rotten guts". Fuck Walther Matthau and Jack Lemmon ... could Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson be the Odd Couple for the New Millennium (TM)?

1:20 Exotic Locale #1: Great Wall Of China. On Motorcycle. Rob Reiner wants us to know that a $45M budget buys you two Oscar winning actors (four Oscars between them) and a crew that will travel to the far ends of the earth to bring you is “art”.

1:21 Morgan: "I got 45 years greased up under the hood of a car...". No way?! The black man has a working class job, and tons of insight about life's true meaning. Maybe the wealthy white man, for all his material possessions, doesn't get life or true happiness. Maybe this thematic device has never been explored before in a film.

1:33 Morgan: What are you so afraid of? Jack: Just because I told you my story, does not invite you to be a part of it! Best. Line. EVER.

1:38 Sad music. Tonal change. Because Rob Reiner wants us to remember that movies about the terminally ill aren't all fun and games.

1:42 "Dear Edward" says a no-doubt-posthumous Morgan Freeman. This may be the first time anyone's had him do a voice-over.

1:45 Locale #2: Taj Mahal

1:46 "A Film By Rob Reiner", who was only good in the 80s. And whose lack of vision is trying to cater to the baby-boomers, via movies about facing old age and life's past mistakes. *Yawn*

1:51 Locale #3: The Pyramids

1:55 The sad music evolves into something more uplifting. Because life is a roller-coaster like that.

1:59 JACK TORRANCE IS STILL ALIVE! Nicholson reminds us that he still remembers The Shining and that he can be creepy in ANYTHING.

2:02 "We live. We died. And the wheels on the bus go round and round." That's what happens when the white man tries to be wise and deep.

2:08 Jack meets the granddaughter he never knew he had, and decades of being a neglectful and selfish father are forgotten as he redeems himself before kicking the bucket. Touching. And definitely something we should learn from a PREVIEW.

2:15 The Post-Title Final Trailer Gag, an underused device: "Nobody cares what you think". Because it's Jack from "Will And Grace". And he's gay. And Nicholson's old. And Jack Nicholson playing a cantankerous homophobe was not explored in As Good As It Gets.

This movie opened at #1. Shame on America.

So I’ve been using BoxOfficeMojo for years, and pride myself in having discovered said resource before its ascent to industry authority. However, I stumbled across a rather ridiculous category that Passion of the Christ topped: Controversy Movies. And some of my newly-crowned favourite ‘Top Grossing Controversial Movies’ include...

3. The Day After Tomorrow (Global Warming)

8. Barbershop (Anti-black leaders)

12. Thelma and Louise (Feminism)

17. Powder (Child molestor director)

21. Battlefield Earth (Scientology)

24. Transformers: The Movie [1987] (Animated use of “s-word”)

28. The Pope Must Die(Offensive Title)

The very fact that #11 on the list grossed $50M and #22 grossed a paltry $8M strongly suggests they’re clutching at something distinctly straw-colored here.

Also check out other amusing sub-genres, such as: Dragon as Focal Point of Movie (an extensive list of 7) and Dragon as Supporting Role (featuring a different 7), Irish, Shark (almost entirely Jaws and Computer Animation) and Period Sports (such as Friday Night Lights).

P.S. To the Sean Young bit below...

Young's grand display of legless drunkenness is most impressive considering that drinks at the event were only served for one hour. Furthermore, the has-been - who was seated at Steven Soderbergh's table - apparently slugged a helpless DGA employee in the face after being escorted back-stage. What a winner.

So the next Bond movie is to be called Quantum Of Solace. No joke. By the end of the year, lines of devoted fans are going to go up to the usher and say “Two for quantum of solace please”. Daniel Craig has defended the choice “We have gone for a snappier title” … cos that’s how I would obviously describe it. “It comes from the idea that in a relationship, if you don’t have a quantum of solace left in your relationship, then give up. Where Bond is left at the end of the last movie, his heart’s been broken and he doesn’t have that quantum of solace, he doesn’t have that”. Also stupid: nicking the two Bond girls from bad movies … Olga Kurylenko starred, usually scantily clad (or gratuitously nude), in the video game adaptation of Hitman whilst Gemma Arterton recently shot to fame as the star of the god awful St. Trinian’s.

Meanwhile, I never thought I would say this … but big up to Zac Efron, of High School Musical. The Hairspray star has shown remarkable maturity in the face of constant ‘accusations’ of being gay: “Honestly, if the worst these people can say about me is that I’m gay, then I think I’ll be fine. I can handle it.” Refreshingly unhomophobic for a 20-year old Disney kid.

Once Upon A Time there was a supposedly promising actress called Sean Young. In case you have – understandably – forgotten her, after her debut in Jane Austen in Manhattan, she became that woman from No Way Out, Wall Street and Blade Runner. The 90’s weren’t as kind, and she later travelled via the clever Armanda Assante vehicle Fatal Instinct to a role as a sloppy transsexual in Ace Venture: Pet Detective and ended up as a DTV (see the stellar In The Shadow of the Cobra) starlet that was once sorta famous. Until now.

Good Old Sean Young ... apparently she had to be escorted out of the DGA Awards last weekend for heckling nominee Julian Schnabel’s speech. Interrupting with the clever interjection “Come on – get to it!”, it caused a brief pause long enough for her to be escorted from the venue by two large security guards. She fell over (classily) as she left.

In the week since, she has been admitted into rehab for alcoholism.

And She Lived Happily Ever After?

WHAT THE FUCK?! Nancy “Bart Simpson’s Voice” Cartwright gave a stunning $10M to the cause of Scientology, almost two times her annual take from the long-running sit-com. Seriously … $10M! For her efforts, she gets the Patron Laureate Award, which amount to more than the religion’s vice-leader Tom Cruise’s donations over the last four years (circa $5M). Cartwright joins the likes of Kirstie Alley and Priscilla Presley, the latter (who suffers from a fear of flying, but not Scientology) picking up Diamond Meritorious Award for a $5M donation, the former a Patron Award for a paltry $50k. Prizes are apparently handed out at a top secret ceremony in Florida.

Movie #3593
Bombay Talkie
James Ivory, 1970, UK
I added this to my NetFlix queue as my new wife and I have been listening to a song from its soundtrack, “Typewriter, Tip Tip Tip Tip”, since she heard it on the [Heavily Plagiarised] Darjeeling Limited OST. However, the film is as boring as it is ridiculously melodramatic. A love triangle between three utterly unbelievably and uninteresting characters – a female English writer, an Indian writer, and a Bollywood star – I can barely remember anything that happened because I cared so little. James Ivory – you should (and usually do) know better.

Released the same year I was (1983), and directed by some guy called Dick Maas, this is a trailer for a Dutch horror movie about a killer lift. No, really. I stumbled across this slice of heaven whilst watching a VHS copy of Luis Bunuel’s Wuthering Heights, which is poor demographic targeting. This is the only online trailer I could find, so the classic last line is clipped annoyingly, but you get the point.



“take the stairs. Take The Stairs. For God’s SAKE TAKE THE STAIRS!!!”
Interesting trivia…

• Maas was fired after arguing with producer Matthijs van Heijningen, but rehired the next day because van Heijningen couldn't do it without him.
• The scene where the security guard is decapitated by the elevator was shot several times, which explains why the evidently prosthetic head that falls down the shaft is smudged and disfigured.