Movies, Under the Influence
by Zimos

In the Name of all that is holy, what the hell was Jason Statham thinking?

For those unsure how Uwe Boll came to the profession of feature film directing, the answer lies in German tax law. Essentially, it was profitable from a tax standpoint for German companies to invest in movies that lost money. Kind of like in The Producers, except instead of "Springtime for Hitler and Germany" there are only awful adaptations of videogames. For Hitler and Germany. In Uwe Boll, German investors found the answer to their prayers, a director who could reliably create money-losers time and time again.

In his latest, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, Boll has brought together a cast of actors who, surprisingly, I have heard of, to bring to life a PC-based role-playing game. For his previous film, Bloodrayne, based on a nazi-killing vampire game, Uwe set his story in medieval times. True to form, this time around Mr. Boll has created a nearly dungeonless “dungeon siege tale”. The story centers around Farmer (Jason Statham), a man with no name who wants nothing more than to live in peace with his wife (Claire Forlani) and son and raise crops. When the Orcs from Lord of the Rings redubbed “the Krug” attack the neighboring town, Farmer’s family is kidnapped and he is forced into action. With his agricultural background, it stands to reason Farmer is an unstoppable warrior who must lead the fight against the forces of evil. Burt Reynolds, Ray Liotta, John Rhys Davies and Leelee Sobieski co-star.

There exists a time-tested formula that states that the larger the poster the worse the movie. So, based on the 50 square-foot monstrosity in the theater lobby, I knew I was in for a real treat. As I sat there watching the film a number of elements of the film were exactly as expected. The script was so bad it was as though it was adapted from a 14-year-old’s D&D campaign. The sound was so far out of sync I felt like I was watching a Leone movie. Overall, though, my experience with In the Name of the King reminded me of the story of a man and his chicken sandwich. Once upon a time a man ordered a McDonald’s McChicken sandwich, took it home and ate his first bite. It would be better, he decided with a different bun, so he replaced it with a bun he had in his kitchen. Further tastings resulted in the addition of lettuce, tomato, onion, cheese and sliced ham. After his next bite something still wasn’t quite right so he removed the chicken patty and enjoyed the rest of his McChicken sandwich immensely. In much the same fashion by adding booze, cracking jokes loudly with good friends and not really paying that much attention to the film, this Dungeon Siege Tale can be enjoyed, but credit must be placed where it is truly deserved, with Mr. Beam, not Mr. Boll.