Star Trek: Cloverfield by Angel

If you don’t live in your parents’ basement, then you’ll probably need to clear some time out of your calendar for the newest Star Trek movie slated for release Stardate [12]25.2008 (that’s Christmas to the sexual cavaliers who’ve gone where no Trekkie has gone before). If you’ve seen the Star Trek movies, you know there hasn’t been a decent Star Trek movie since the Borg’s plot to destroy earth was foiled by a time traveling Patrick Stewart; finally there is silver lining on that warp necell. JJ “Lost” Abrahams helms the project, and I would let him fly my Starship Cineplex anywhere. The cast is warp 9 too. The inestimable Simon Pegg plays Scotty. Karl Urban, aka Eomer from Lord of the Rings, is grumpy Dr. Leonard “Bones” McCoy. This part is just what the “doctor” ordered for Urban, whose last starred as a Viking expat in the Norse vs. Comanche action miscarriage Pathfinder. Eric Bana, the villain, no doubt is drawing fuel from the fact that Ed Norton will be ten times the Hulk he ever was. The best part of the whole thing: the open casting calls for Starfleet Academy. They’re looking for:

“Talent with interesting and unique facial features such as: long necks, small heads, extremely large heads, wide-set eyes, bug eyes, close-set eyes, large forehead, short upper lip, pronounced cheekbones, over- or undersized ears and/or nose, facial deformities, ultra plain-looking people, ultra perfect-looking people, pure wholesome looks, twins, triplets, emaciated talent, regally poised and postured talent, or other visually unique characteristics. Everyone must be thin, athletic, fit; wardrobe will be form-fitting.”

Do you hear that shrieking in the background as another Trekkie hits that final sentence? Nerd-boners haven’t died that quickly since Jar Jar Binks. They might as well said, “Have you had gastric bypass surgery? Do you like Star Trek?”