Russell Crowe spits on Denzel, Ridley Scott makes Monopoly: The Movie, and Leonardo was once a virgin.

(This is going to be an atypically long rant about things I don’t like, most of which seem to involve Russell Crowe directly or indirectly. Some say coincidence; some say the Aussie sucks)

During his recent advertising for over-hyped Ridley Scott venture American Gangster, Crowe reminisced about the last time he acted with Denzel, in 1995’s Virtuosity, in which Crowe plays SID 6.7, a virtual-reality serial killer who escapes into the real world and is hunted by Denzel’s typecast cop. A virtual (geddit?) uknown at the time, Crowe accidentally spit at Washington. “We had a cyclone wire fence between us and the scene was pretty intense,” explains the Proof of Life star. “They said ‘Action!’, and I started going into it … this little bit of spit comes out of my mouth. It was really athletic and graceful … [it wound] its way through the wire and straight onto Denzel’s lip.” Denzel retorted not with other body fluids, but with his quick witted “I love the taste of saliva in the morning!”. Clever.

And what's with Denzel Washington's tired hard-nut badass routine. Ever since Training Day, he's claimed to be so hardcore that even his subtitles have to be dynamic (see: Man On Fire. Seriously, the man has obnoxious subtitles).

My friend Don and I saw the trailer for American Gangstaaa quite a few times. We even perfected the “THEY TRIED TO KILL MY [chest beat] WIFE!” routine. He suggested that someone should sit Scott down and show him Blade Runner and Alien, just to remind him that he has made at least two good movies, and perhaps how to do so again. I recently caught A Good Year and would have to agree. And though I probably wouldn’t refuse the opportunity to work with Scott, chances are it’d be crap. Does anyone remember the Dead Poet’s Society plagiarism at the end of White Squall, or when G. I. Jane says “Suck my dick!”? How about Kingdom of Heaven (aka Gladiator with Arabs) or Hannibal (aka Silence of the Lambs: The Unnecessary Cash-In?

And talking of the unnecessary, I am utterly serious when I announce that the 69-year old Scott is soon to make a feature-length version of the board game Monopoly. The British version. The oldest agency in Hollywood, William Morris, has apparently offered “the cream of its stable of 2,000 actors to help create the blockbuster movie”, which will apparently be a racy (no pun intended) comedy thriller. A spokesperson for Hasbro says “[we have] cool games like Ouija, which could be a supernatural thriller, but we think Monopoly with Ridley Scott … as a massive global hit”. An estimated 750M people have played Monopoly since its inception in the 1930s, and the company hopes “everyone will be curious about how it translates to the screen”. Kirsten Dunst and Scarlett Johansson have been approached for parts as “sexy young people” in an attempt to “win over teenagers who regard board games as a last resort on a wet afternoon”. Meanwhile, a mature actor is likely to play Rich Uncle Pennybags, the cavorting capitalist in a top hat. I am not exaggerating one word of this paragraph.

Until then, Ridley Scott is finishing up Body of Lies, starring (wait for it) Russell Crowe, and Leonardo DiCaprio. Some may remember their last collaboration: Western spoof The Quick and the Dead*, with a usually naked Sharon Stone. Phone-thrower Crowe recalls DiCaprio was only 17 and “was embarrassed about not losing his virginity … he talked about that constantly … I’m hoping we have some time so he can fill in what’s happened in between, maybe show some photos, because I’m sure life’s different now”. Perv.
* = not to be confused with 2006 Screamfest Winner The Quick and the Undead.

Now here’s a Happy Families problem. If Ridley Scott is directing DiCaprio, maybe he’ll take a shine to him, which frees up Crowe exclusively to Ron Howard. Meanwhile, that leaves Scorsese free of Leo The Brat, so Marty can make a good movie again?


UPDATE: After the below news about Hayden Pant-Ear-Hairy, the latest celebrity mammal outcry comes from Paris Hilton's concern for elephants and how we should never forget that they are drinking themselves to death. “We need to stop making alcohol available to them … It is becoming really dangerous … the elephants get drunk all the time”. I suggest carding them at the door. Apparently forty elephants electrocuted themselves in north-east India, after getting drunk on rice beer. Sounds like a helluva party. The socialite is now urging Indian residents to lock up their booze.