Penelope Cruz in porno with sis for bro, Uma Thurman stalked, and Brian De Palma still can't make movies

Penelope Cruz’s next screen role makes me decidedly uncomfortable. It’s a third remake of Abre Los Ojos / Vanilla Sky. Just kidding. Penelope and her sister Monica will play porn stars in a video for their musician brother’s new album. Nepotistic incest m’thinks. I feel no need to continue.

Uma Thurman’s stalker has been arrested after parking his car and living outside her Manhattan home. The 37-year old Jackson Jordan fell in love when he watchedone of her movies and “their eyes connected”. Jordan, obviously not familiar with the fourth wall, claims that they are “meant to be together … she is a wonderful person”. Uma, who is the granddaughter of Friedrich Karl Johannes von Schlebrügge, a Prussian nobleman, and his Sweedish wife Brigit Holmquist, seemed surprisingly nonplussed by the whole ordeal.

Point and laugh at Brian De Palma, whose latest film grossed $25,628 this past week-end. Redacted is yet another poorly received anti-war flick whose sole political success would be in calling for stricter quality-control guidelines on films. Critic Michael Medved claimed “this could be the worst movie I’ve ever seen”.

Dealing with a group of US soldiers who rape and murder a 14-year old Iraqi girl, the film is most likely an uncanny remake of a forgotten Hitchcock thriller. Producer Mark Cuban, owner of the Dallas Mavericks, is likely to lose almost his entire investment, considering a Joe Strummer documentary made more money on fewer theatres.