I am not sure I'm going to bother offering much commentary on this one, but Al Pacino and Robert de Niro want their next collaboration to be a comedy in which they both dress up as women and play sisters. No fucking joke.

Pacino: "It's a great idea. That could be something for us to work on. Robert has done some great and very successful comedy movies and he's made the transition really well, without a problem. He was amazing. He's invented himself over again and that takes a very special talent."

De Niro: "We could do that, I like the idea. We could play sisters."

JUDGED MODALLY AS A MOCKUMENTARY, Louis Schwartzberg’s directorial debut would distinguish itself only for a total lack of laughs, and character-credibility on par with Christopher Guest movies. Unfortunately, this Disney release is a genuine attempt to capture all that is beautiful about the United States, via the testimony of 24 individuals who allegedly encapsulate the synthesis of the American dream. They thus naturally range from a reformed alcoholic cowboy called Roudy, to a farmer who enjoys staging musical versions of Dracula.

Tragically this whistle-stop tour of unlikely protagonists is endowed with all the touching poignancy of a life insurance ad. Schwartzberg’s utterly misjudged tone invariably humiliates the characters that the ubiquitous low-angle Soviet realist-propaganda hero shots try to deify. The newbie auteur’s first film credits were in 1980 for no less than three films in which his role was limited to supplying time-lapse photography; in the interim he has expanded his repertoire of technical prowess to include cutaway transitional shots of bacon sizzling. Also on offer is some of the least insightful wisdom ever to grace the silver screen, highlights including a lady who claims to “have been broke but never poor” explaining said statement with the claim that “inside there wouldn’t be a heart but instead a mountain range”.

Beyond the superficial absurdity linger several more distressing oversights, such as the preoccupation with fiscally-motivated ideologies, perturbing for a movie entitled America’s Heart and Soul. The only interest it ever instigates relies on positing itself as utterly offensive, whether in its perpetuation of unacceptable stereotypes or with reference to broader intellectual considerations. Witness as the slow-motion flight of an eagle is superimposed onto a Native American’s face as his hair blows freely in the wind and token chant is heard on the soundtrack. Schwartzberg never shows any consideration or respect towards the men and women he unintentionally ridicules, mocking the plights of a reformed criminal, impoverished immigrants, members of a mental asylum and briefly a terminally ill child.

Every cinematic aspect of this film is frankly lacking: only the soundtrack’s sincerity prevent it from being a spot-on satire of every genre with which it flirts and the cinematography is a compendium of cliché. The whole endeavor seems inexplicably pointless and fails to accomplish the goal of portraying this country in any sort of positive light. Thankfully the majority of the patriotic flag-waving is left to the closing montage which concludes with the obligatory fireworks display that is a suitably underwhelming climax to a debacle of a film.

So ... Michael Douglas is to play fashionista Wladziu Valentino Liberace in a Steve Soderbergh produced biopic. Here are a couple of pictures for you to enjoy the striking resemblance...

Next up Tarantino to produce a Nelson Mandela biopic starring Robert Downey Jr as the big man.

It's been a while but I've been busy. There's a web-site on its way, and I've been watching a fair number of crappy movies whilst working on it.

Movie #3722: Body Double
Brian De Palma, 1984, USA
Continuing his commendable trend of poorly ripping off Hitchcock movies, De Palma makes an unengaging incomprehensible lunge at Rear Window and Vertigo. With more nudity.
Craig Wasson - whose last film was Sasquatch Mountain, and who was a minor supporting character in the TV spin-off of Dangerous Minds - plays a man with vertigo claustrophobia, who watches people in the windows of an opposing building. Next thing you know he witnesses a murder.
Unlike in Hitchcock, Wasson gets to see a woman masturbate, and then get killed by a construction drill.
Clever plot twists abound, the best of which ("you're the Indian?") would have been more credible were it not for the world's worst prosthetics, which sort of give away that this is not a real person. Judge for yourself.

De Palma is a fucking hack. 'Nuff said.

Awakening Shades of Grey from slumber, I post a series of emails between myself and Shades last week.

From Shades, Aug. 26 1:27 a.m.
from the movie "Street Kings". MATRIX KUNG FU BOY is Keanu Reeves, obviously. this is a corrupt cop action/drama. it's not great. but it's enjoyably violent.

matrix kung fu boy: look paul. this thing you want, that you think you want, you don't want.
mr fire from fantastic four: you don't know who i am or what i want. who are you to judge me?
matrix kung fu boy: you wanna be a gun fighter, huh? [hands him gun] then let's do it.

My reply, Aug. 27 4:19 p.m.

Speaking of quality screenwriting...are you as excited as I about the forthcoming "Disaster Movie"? Man o man, do those hollywood parodies of movies still in post-production really get me laughing. The humor is timeless, I know that 50 years from now in my retirement chair I'll pop in "Disaster Movie" and laugh my ass off at the spot-on "Juno" parody: "This is my baby's foot". So utterly hilarious. I can only hope that a similiar parody film is released every year to remind me about movies that came out 4 months prior.

On a similar note, are you as excited about the forthcoming masterpiece "College"? Man o man, I was just thinking the other day that the realm of film was lacking in movies that portray the crazy lifestyle that is college. I think it would be really funny to show guys being initiated to a fraternity with some zany circumstances. Likewise, consuming lots of alcohol can be really fun and the prospect of a "hooking-up," even for the nerdy guy, is always in there. Man, I just hope that the hegemonic forces of higher learning don't impose unrealistic expectations of these budding intellectuals. If those "bringdowns" in the administration try and tell them not to party, oh boy is there going to be some antics and perhaps pranks to that will set them straight. Women are objects and college is for partying. Thank god there is a movie out there that will accurately portray this reality.

Followed by, Aug. 27 4:23 p.m.
Man, I wish I would have visited imdb.com before sending that email.
From a comment on College:

This movie is so misjudged!!! When I hear people talking about it they seem to think it's just another teenage or "tween" movie. IT'S NOT! I saw College during a screening and it was raunchy! I loved it! It's a beer drinkin', "t & a", partin', awesome movie! There are girls making out, girls in bikini's...and it's hilarious! It's a story of 3 high school kids who visit college for the weekend and all the crazy things that happened to them along the way. This is where the tag: "best weekend ever" comes in. I loved the masturbating dorm-mate wearing the -my peace is growing- t shirt. Anyway, awesome movie, go see it, you wont be disappointed and you'll laugh your butt off!

And, Aug. 27 4:26 p.m.
Imdb's user's message board headings for director Jason Friedberg (auteur behind Disaster movie, date movie, scary movie...you get the picture):

disgrace to film.
If he got shot, would it be considered justifiable homicide?
I would rather watch... [game]
YOU SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
how do we stop them?
I am going to kill this man.