Terminator 4 a la McFuck, Mini Madonna in Harry Potter, Clooney vs. Fabio continued and Tom Cruies special (with funny pic)

The ludicrously titled Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins has a director. By day he’s just Joseph McGinty Nichol, shit-head frat-boy with bad taste. By night he becomes McG, which is short-hand for Must Create Garbage. The former Korn music vid director made $4M (which calculates as $25 per frame) to deliver us Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle. And you thought T3 would be the low-point.

UPDATE: Batman is John Connor. Christian Bale has been cast in the lead role ... head over to Aint It Cool News for a characteristically inarticulate explanation.

Madonna’s 11-year old sprog has been approached for a part in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. The Brit-raised Lourdes, nicknamed Lola, is pictured right; she has obviously inherited her mother’s looks and her father’s (fitness trainer Carlos Leon) unibrow. Madonna is said to be considering the offer, only if a remix of Holiday is played during Hogwarts’ Christmas Holiday montage.

Readers may remember the report on an altercation between Fabio and George Clooney. Since then Fabs has called Clooney “a low-class scumbag” and though no-one in the restaurant heard it, says Clooney called his female companion “a fat cow”. Not only that, but “he called the women names. At that point I lost my temper. I went after him and he ran out of the restaurant. … These women were with me and as a man I defend them. He was lucky he ran out of the restaurant. He's not even half a man". What a hero.

For your amusement there follows a video that Mitch fished out, of that time that Fabio was hit in the face by a swan whilst on a roller-coaster.

Diminutive shit-head Tom Cruise (pictured right) is most likely to play the surprisingly tall Hugh Hefner in a forthcoming biopic about the Playboy founder's "colorful life". The almost forty year age gap doesn't phase the All The Right Moves star, who thinks he is "the perfect person to bring [the story] to the big screen" that could remind people of his "versatility as an actor". Brett Rush Hour Ratner is to direct, a man who claims oxymornically to be Michael Jackson's pal and single-handedly ruined the X-Men franchise.

When Bender Beckham was asked whether he’s being coerced into Scientology, he replied “There’s been nothing shoved down our throats because friends don’t do things like that”. Well rehearsed.

Meanwhile Princess Di biographer Andrew Morton has had to go into security exile to hide from angry scientologists on account of a forthcoming book about Tom Cruise in which he reveals “deep, dark secrets about Tom Cruise's sex life and religious beliefs”. More of this soon I am sure.