SHADES OF GRAY - Natalie Portman is dumb and What Would Jesus' Evil Twin Brother Do?

Natalie Portman is not as bright as her Harvard education would suggest. First off she seems surprised her nude scene from Hotel Chevalier had been “misappropriated” (read “Now found on porn sites”). “My issue is that I feel it takes something away from what you’re doing”. Like clothes? Furthermore Nat, who was a member of the environmental song and dance troupe The World Patrol Kids under her real name Natalie Hershlag, has decided that she will partake in no more sequels. “When something works you don’t touch it” … does that mean she’d consider a sequel to Mars Attacks? It does rule out a long-rumoured The Professional / Leon bid for franchise cash-in, but she was more insistent on not revisiting her role as Padme in Star Wars. “I spent ten years working on these films. It’s time to let it continue on its own”. Someone should remind her that her character is already dead. She will however work on a rip-off, ahem, remake, of Danish film Brothers with soon-to-be serial plagiarist Jim Sheridan (who also plans on remaking Kurosawa’s Ikiru with Tom Hanks, of all blashpemous choices).

Robert Sigl’s The 13th Disciple is set to come to the silver screen amidst considerable controversy. A fictional narrative about Jesus’ evil twin brother and the pair’s reincarnation in modern times, the film is getting co-produced by Kraut sounding fieber.film and Indian investors. "The film is about two archeologists touring India to research about Jesus' lifespan in India”, explains producer Mario Stefan, who may have a little too much wine in his water. “The story reveals Jesus' evil twin brother who used to practice some different sect … the film is a piece of fiction and not based on true events”. No shit. Stefan expects his meagre budget of $5 and two fish to stretch around 5000 times further than would be expected.