Shades of Grey

2008-09-15T03:26:00.003-05:00

I am not sure I'm going to bother offering much commentary on this one, but Al Pacino and Robert de Niro want their next collaboration to be a comedy in which they both dress up as women and play sisters. No fucking joke.

Pacino: "It's a great idea. That could be something for us to work on. Robert has done some great and very successful comedy movies and he's made the transition really well, without a problem. He was amazing. He's invented himself over again and that takes a very special talent."

De Niro: "We could do that, I like the idea. We could play sisters."

2008-09-12T14:59:00.000-05:00

JUDGED MODALLY AS A MOCKUMENTARY, Louis Schwartzberg’s directorial debut would distinguish itself only for a total lack of laughs, and character-credibility on par with Christopher Guest movies. Unfortunately, this Disney release is a genuine attempt to capture all that is beautiful about the United States, via the testimony of 24 individuals who allegedly encapsulate the synthesis of the American dream. They thus naturally range from a reformed alcoholic cowboy called Roudy, to a farmer who enjoys staging musical versions of Dracula.

Tragically this whistle-stop tour of unlikely protagonists is endowed with all the touching poignancy of a life insurance ad. Schwartzberg’s utterly misjudged tone invariably humiliates the characters that the ubiquitous low-angle Soviet realist-propaganda hero shots try to deify. The newbie auteur’s first film credits were in 1980 for no less than three films in which his role was limited to supplying time-lapse photography; in the interim he has expanded his repertoire of technical prowess to include cutaway transitional shots of bacon sizzling. Also on offer is some of the least insightful wisdom ever to grace the silver screen, highlights including a lady who claims to “have been broke but never poor” explaining said statement with the claim that “inside there wouldn’t be a heart but instead a mountain range”.

Beyond the superficial absurdity linger several more distressing oversights, such as the preoccupation with fiscally-motivated ideologies, perturbing for a movie entitled America’s Heart and Soul. The only interest it ever instigates relies on positing itself as utterly offensive, whether in its perpetuation of unacceptable stereotypes or with reference to broader intellectual considerations. Witness as the slow-motion flight of an eagle is superimposed onto a Native American’s face as his hair blows freely in the wind and token chant is heard on the soundtrack. Schwartzberg never shows any consideration or respect towards the men and women he unintentionally ridicules, mocking the plights of a reformed criminal, impoverished immigrants, members of a mental asylum and briefly a terminally ill child.

Every cinematic aspect of this film is frankly lacking: only the soundtrack’s sincerity prevent it from being a spot-on satire of every genre with which it flirts and the cinematography is a compendium of cliché. The whole endeavor seems inexplicably pointless and fails to accomplish the goal of portraying this country in any sort of positive light. Thankfully the majority of the patriotic flag-waving is left to the closing montage which concludes with the obligatory fireworks display that is a suitably underwhelming climax to a debacle of a film.

2008-09-11T16:37:00.003-05:00

So ... Michael Douglas is to play fashionista Wladziu Valentino Liberace in a Steve Soderbergh produced biopic. Here are a couple of pictures for you to enjoy the striking resemblance...

Next up Tarantino to produce a Nelson Mandela biopic starring Robert Downey Jr as the big man.

2008-09-05T03:14:00.000-05:00

It's been a while but I've been busy. There's a web-site on its way, and I've been watching a fair number of crappy movies whilst working on it.

Movie #3722: Body Double
Brian De Palma, 1984, USA
Continuing his commendable trend of poorly ripping off Hitchcock movies, De Palma makes an unengaging incomprehensible lunge at Rear Window and Vertigo. With more nudity.
Craig Wasson - whose last film was Sasquatch Mountain, and who was a minor supporting character in the TV spin-off of Dangerous Minds - plays a man with ~~vertigo~~ claustrophobia, who watches people in the windows of an opposing building. Next thing you know he witnesses a murder.
Unlike in Hitchcock, Wasson gets to see a woman masturbate, and then get killed by a construction drill.
Clever plot twists abound, the best of which ("you're the Indian?") would have been more credible were it not for the world's worst prosthetics, which sort of give away that this is not a real person. Judge for yourself.

De Palma is a fucking hack. 'Nuff said.

2008-09-02T12:49:00.002-05:00

Awakening Shades of Grey from slumber, I post a series of emails between myself and Shades last week.

From Shades, Aug. 26 1:27 a.m.
from the movie "Street Kings". MATRIX KUNG FU BOY is Keanu Reeves, obviously. this is a corrupt cop action/drama. it's not great. but it's enjoyably violent.

matrix kung fu boy: look paul. this thing you want, that you think you want, you don't want.
mr fire from fantastic four: you don't know who i am or what i want. who are you to judge me?
matrix kung fu boy: you wanna be a gun fighter, huh? [hands him gun] then let's do it.

My reply, Aug. 27 4:19 p.m.

Speaking of quality screenwriting...are you as excited as I about the forthcoming "Disaster Movie"? Man o man, do those hollywood parodies of movies still in post-production really get me laughing. The humor is timeless, I know that 50 years from now in my retirement chair I'll pop in "Disaster Movie" and laugh my ass off at the spot-on "Juno" parody: "This is my baby's foot". So utterly hilarious. I can only hope that a similiar parody film is released every year to remind me about movies that came out 4 months prior.

On a similar note, are you as excited about the forthcoming masterpiece "College"? Man o man, I was just thinking the other day that the realm of film was lacking in movies that portray the crazy lifestyle that is college. I think it would be really funny to show guys being initiated to a fraternity with some zany circumstances. Likewise, consuming lots of alcohol can be really fun and the prospect of a "hooking-up," even for the nerdy guy, is always in there. Man, I just hope that the hegemonic forces of higher learning don't impose unrealistic expectations of these budding intellectuals. If those "bringdowns" in the administration try and tell them not to party, oh boy is there going to be some antics and perhaps pranks to that will set them straight. Women are objects and college is for partying. Thank god there is a movie out there that will accurately portray this reality.

Followed by, Aug. 27 4:23 p.m.
Man, I wish I would have visited imdb.com before sending that email.
From a comment on College:

This movie is so misjudged!!! When I hear people talking about it they seem to think it's just another teenage or "tween" movie. IT'S NOT! I saw College during a screening and it was raunchy! I loved it! It's a beer drinkin', "t & a", partin', awesome movie! There are girls making out, girls in bikini's...and it's hilarious! It's a story of 3 high school kids who visit college for the weekend and all the crazy things that happened to them along the way. This is where the tag: "best weekend ever" comes in. I loved the masturbating dorm-mate wearing the -my peace is growing- t shirt. Anyway, awesome movie, go see it, you wont be disappointed and you'll laugh your butt off!

And, Aug. 27 4:26 p.m.
Imdb's user's message board headings for director Jason Friedberg (auteur behind Disaster movie, date movie, scary movie...you get the picture):

disgrace to film.
If he got shot, would it be considered justifiable homicide?
I would rather watch... [game]
YOU SUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
how do we stop them?
I am going to kill this man.

2008-05-05T05:39:00.002-05:00

Magic Hands

Hallmark presents Sweet Nothing In My Ear, an offbeat comedy about a deaf child.

Best Bit: Jeff Daniels' "I want my son back", spouted with all the gut-wrenching emotion of James Van Der Beek's "I don't want ... your life" from Varsity Blues. Never has someone seemed less convincing when signing.

2008-05-04T11:30:00.002-05:00

Nothing funny about this one, just a little scary. It's taken from today's 'Studio Briefing' over at IMDB.

U.S. Releases Al-Jazeera Cameraman, Held Since 2001

A Sudanese-born television news cameraman who was captured by the U.S. military while working for the al-Jazeera Arab news network in Afghanistan in 2001 and imprisoned at Guantánamo Bay, has been released, the network said Thursday. A Pentagon official told Reuters, "He's not being released. He's being transferred to the Sudanese government." But the wire service also quoted Sudan's justice minister, Abdel Basit Sabderat, as saying that Washington had already had enough time to produce any evidence against Sami Haj and that his country has no plans to hold him. In New York, Joel Simon, executive director of the Committee to Protect Journalists, said: "His detention for six years, without the most basic due process, is a grave injustice and represents a threat to all journalists working in conflict areas." Al-Jazeera's director general, Wadah Khanfar, flew to Khartoum to welcome Haj and said that Haj will continue working for the network. Appearing on al-Jazeera's English-language network, Khanfar said, "We are concerned about the way the Americans dealt with Sami, and we are concerned about the way they could deal with others as well."

2008-04-29T19:33:00.002-05:00

The South Korean modern masterpiece Failan is being remade as an American movie. This is a terrible thing ... the original was pretty perfect and a remake can add nothing.

The man behind this evil is Vadim Perelman, who once brought us the stellar House of Sand and Fog, but is current in theaters with wet blanket The Life Before Her Eyes.

Looking at the IMDB message board for the movie, I am glad someone agrees. Best comment is "DONT DO THIS YOU F++CKING C*(*+S!"

2008-04-15T14:15:00.001-05:00

So John Mayer was asked to do the theme song to The Bucket List, which is hugely appropriate from a '9th Level Of Crap' standpoint. Check this shit out...

I do want to point out the irony of someone saying, as M. Mayer does at the end there, "Say what you need to say" TWENTY-SIX TIMES IN A ROW!!!

2008-04-11T10:55:00.002-05:00

So - that thing that was making me busy is no longer making me busy, so I will no longer be as busy as when that thing that made me busy was still making me busy.

New contributor's first piece... a pseutable suidonym escapes me temporarily, but here goes...

Why Film is Most Definitely a Collaborative Medium

An unfortunate side-affect of my job in film sales requires me to occasionally attend London-based screenings of finished films which are still looking for a sales agent to come on board. Its my experience that, if a film gets to completion without a sales agent on board, there’s usually a very good reason. And that reason is usually because it is very very crap. But that’s a topic for another post.

For now, let me draw your attention to what must surely be the worst of all the films I have ever been made to sit through for professional reasons. Ladies and gentleman, I apologise as I give you Madness In The First Degree.

Now, anyone who was even the smallest amount of knowledge about the way films are made would immediately know that attempting to make a feature film entirely on your own would be a difficult, nay, ridiculous thing to attempt. So I suppose we should give Geoff Searle – MITFD’s producer, writer, director, sole actor, cinemtaographer, editor and composer – some sort of credit. Or we should do, if only the film weren’t such a horrendously self-indulgent waste of time and money. Searle spent 4 years and god-only-knows how much cash making the film, and it is almost entirely unwatchable. Imagine watching a 90 minute long pop video from the early years of MTV. Now imagine doing it whilst grinding your teeth in to the back of your fist because you are so irritated at being made to sit through this nonsense. Somehow, the actual experience of watching this film is far far worse…

Geoff seems like a nice fellow, and I suppose we should be grateful – in case any one of us, in a fit of hideous self-importance, decided that they were talented enough to make an entire feature length film without anyone else’s help, Geoff has been there and proven very definitely that it can’t be done.

2008-04-06T10:39:00.002-05:00

For anyone that knows Alaric, bear in mind that I warned him I would tell everyone...

He has a "great idea for a script". It's a remake of Casablanca, set in a contempotary world with Zombies instead of Nazis.

How does one come up with such an idea. Watching the classic flick, does one articulate the concern that "this would be so much better ... with zombies?"

Crazy.

2008-04-03T15:22:00.001-05:00

Yeah so I suck. No updates. Been busy. Wish some of my other writers would say something. I've seen two movies in the last month ... one was unfortunately Doomsday. Fucking Neil Marshall ... soooo good. Once.

2008-03-12T13:23:00.003-05:00

WOW! JCVD is here! Jean-Claude Van Damme sees the Muscles From Brussells playing a fictionalised version of himself in this comedy that is a lot more tongue in cheek than Sly reprising Rambo. This trailer made me laugh a lot, though I couldn't bear the thought of sitting through the attached movie...

2008-03-10T08:39:00.002-05:00

Swayze Update:
Whoopi Goldberg seizes opportunity to snatch limelight and comiserates her Ghost co-star. Elsewhere Patrick Swayze becomes the most searched for person on IMDB, overtaking recent Oscar-winner Daniel Day-Lewis.

2008-03-09T20:12:00.002-05:00

Roland Emmerich's next feature will be the incredibly inventive 2012, which "is in the vein of The Day After Tomorrow", a phrase that sent at least three people into fits of excitement. The title references the year in which the Mayan calendar ends, and will be about the world going through "upheaval as the apocalypse comes closer". In layman's terms, the German-born Emmerich has contrived another high-and-thin-concept effects-laden science-fiction actioner that will give him an excuse to blow up and destroy things, as well as kill many faceless Americans (see also: Stargate, Independence Day, Godzilla and the afore-mentioned The Day After Tomorrow). Hold your breath.

2008-03-06T22:34:00.003-06:00

Alleged actress Jenny McCarthy is preaching that dieting can help autism. This may have some sort of medical basis, but the Lingerie Bowl star travelling around the country giving speeches is not going to help the cause. "It's so heartbreaking to see the medical community not support something called diet and vitamins", exclaimed Jim Carrey's current squeeze, who also wrote the "script" for her vehicle Dirty Love. "And it pains us, city after city ... These kids are getting better and I will not shut up and will not stop fighting about it." Sidenote: McCarthy's is in post-production on the sure-fire-critical-hit Wieners, out later this year.

Oh, and Patrick Swayze has pancreatic cancer. It's probably too soon for jokes, but I was just priming you for them.

2008-03-05T02:25:00.002-06:00

"Fucking Love Guru" stakes claim on "Fucking Giles" as catch-phrase

When I was 12, I had a crush on Pamela Anderson. This is true. I bought a magazine called EMPIRE, because she was on the front. In some ways this was a turning point in my history of living and breathing cinema. Ten years on, EMPIRE magazine is barely the beacon of critical correctness or Holy Land of Taste that it was when they twice within a year displayed the Barb Wire star's greatest assets on their front cover.

Take for instance their reaction to the Love Guru trailer:

Empire describes this trailer as "pretty dang funny", claiming that the "lot of hints of Austin Powers in tone" is "absolutely no bad thing". But their credibility is surely undermined by a claim such as "there are few things more amusing than very small people being hit in the head" (referring to Verne "Mini-Me" Troyer's appearance as ... well ... a comedic device small person).

See my reaction would be different.

I don't know if it's the lack of a single funny joke, the tired midget humor, the insulting "one time in college" lesbian gag, or worst of all JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE IN TIGHT SPEEDOS, but this is shit. With a capital crap. I am sure Monsieur Myers' total lack of attempt to simulate a realistic accent or aesthetic will be overlooked by about $100M worth of cinema-goers. Fuckers. Meanwhile don't listen to me, cos I just admitted that Pamela Anderson got me into movies.

2008-03-03T12:04:00.006-06:00

Is Michel Gondry the new Melies?

To celebrate the release of Be Kind, Rewind (which I haven't seen yet), here is a brief Michel Gondry clip special.

First up, he has sweded (i.e. poorly remade) his own trailer for the afore-mentioned movie. This is very clever, and post-modern. And layered. He also plays all the roles. Which is genius.

This is turn reminded me of the last time I paid attention to a video he released, which was the infamous "Michel Gondry Solves A Rubik's Cube With His Feet":

This is turn elicited this slightly over-analytical response from this weirdo:

2008-02-27T19:01:00.003-06:00

Fred and Sean's brief stay is over. They were far more entertaining than the Academy Awards.

Seriously, had you said that the Coens would get three gongs each, Daniel Day-Lewis would be feted with no Yanks in sight amongst the acting awards (and that Javier would get his), and that I still would be bored shitless, I'd have not believed you.

I don't know why I am ever surprised about the event. I keep thinking that it's got to be good, but it really never is. At least the awards went largely to people who deserve them.

So glad that Enchanted was nominated 3 times for song, and that they still perform all of those. And Bourne Ultimatum should have received the second most awards obviously.

I can't even sarcastically congratulate the usually "solid" Sr. Stewart; he was visible nervous, and most criminally NOT AT ALL FUNNY. When occasionally a joke didn't entirely tank, he attempted to milk it ad nauseum, and when he had nothing clever to say, he'd rouse a round of congratulatory applause for someone talented in the audience. So at least he wasn't all about crutches.

I didn't see Tilda Swinton coming btw. Anyone else call that?

2008-02-21T15:57:00.003-06:00

Really?

No sooner can you say "bad movie ideas in disguise" than Universal has announced a partnership with Hasbro to make a series of features based around its toys and games. With the exception of Paramount's Transformers and G.I. Joe, Universal has an exclusive deal (i.e. for the ones no-one else wanted).

Upcoming adaptations of Monopoly (as previously reported, to be directed by Ridley Scott), Battleship, Candy Land and Ouija have caused Universal to issue a statement claiming that "Hasbro's portfolio of products has tremendous emotional resonance with children and adults. They offer an exciting opportunity for us to develop tentpole movies with built-in global brand awareness, which is a key component of our slate strategy." Or Slate Stratego: The Movie.

2008-02-21T02:07:00.003-06:00

MICHAEL BAY SUCKS
A title about as imaginative as any of his movies

Twice in a week The Onion has made me laugh out loud. Their piece on Michael Bay's CG vanity project (whose synopsis is somewhat akin to "Michael Bay wins and accepts an Oscar) is solid stuff, and definitely worth checking out. Enjoy.

CGI Team Creates Realistic Oscar For Michael Bay

2008-02-20T03:48:00.003-06:00

And I know it's been said before, but What The Fuck With Signs? How can you not really know (or care) if it's real or a hoax that far into a movie about an alien invasion?

I don't know what reminded me of that godawful movie.

And why in Fuck's name would "Aliens Who Are Lethally Allergic To Water" travel alleged light years to a planet that is 70% FUCKING WATER??????!!!!! Good one Monsieur Night.

2008-02-19T16:35:00.003-06:00

Movie #3619
The Core
Jon Amiel, 2003, USA

This is long. But so is this movie. I have been meaning to get round to it for a while, and thanks to NetFlix's Instant Watch selection of modern classics, I checked it before I went to sleep last night...

Paramount's flop disaster-movie definitely arrived a few years after the fad, and plays like something where no-one really gives a shit. Which is appropriate. It boasts a stupid premise (earth's core has stopped moving, scientists must burrow down and reinstigate its movement) and an even 'stupid-er' script. Aaron Eckhart's explanation to a roomful of government men starts with "does anyone have any air freshener?", and via "the earth is like a giant peach" (obviously), ends with him setting fire to the air freshener and cooking the peach. Literally. Another fine bit is the action set-piece involving the burrowing thing finding 'empty space' inside the earth's mantle. Or the pigeon attack on the streets of London, featuring CG birds and a trout that the FX team thought would be a funny touch.

Stretching herself once again is two-time Oscar winner Hilary Swank as the prodigious astronaut, and the pay-check hungry Stanley Tucci as an arrogant diva scientist ... and DJ Qualls (remember him?) gets all the best lines, as super-hacker 'Rat', who refers to his abilities as 'Kung Fu'. Here are two good ones:

Rat: He wants me to hack the planet... Ok, *if* I decide to do this, I'll need an unlimited supply of Xena tapes and Hotpockets.

Rat: How many languages do you speak?
Zimsky: Five, actually.
Rat: I speak one. One Zero One Zero Zero. With that I could steal your money, your secrets, your sexual fantasies, your whole life. In any country, any time, any place I want. We multitask like you breathe. I couldn't think as slow as you if I tried.

Oh and the material that the ship is made of is called Unobtanium. Realistic. And fantastic.

There's no real emotional arc ... the scientists die, we get thirty-seconds of sad music and tears, and then laughter alleviates the alleged tension. I seldom have cared less if the earth indeed did get destroyed, and by the 2hr 15min mark you'll wish it was destroyed from the off-set. Eckhart's Dr. Josh Keyes sums it up best: "Feel free to throw up. I know I did"

2008-02-16T19:37:00.002-06:00

Proof that those adverts I liked weren't always great. Complete with Romanian subtitles.

At least Darth Vader's getting work outside of Star Wars.

2008-02-13T05:29:00.002-06:00

Woody Allen is a perv. We know this because of his relationship with his adopted daughter. But now the 73 y.o. auteur has written a lesbian sex scene between Penelope Cruz and Scarlett Johansson. Fresh from directing two of the worst accents in screen history* in Cassandra's Dream, the diminutive neurotic has directed a scene for upcoming Vicky Cristina Barcelona in which the two young starlets "will leave the audience gasping". How smutty.

*= Ewan McGregor and Colin Farrell play East London Boy brothers; the former sounds like a posh git trying to do a lebbage accent and the latter sounds like an Irish twat trying to do a lebbage accent. Fancy that.

2008-02-11T14:12:00.000-06:00

Canadian Bryan Adams is now describing himself as a "singer-turned-photographer". Apparently the "Everything I Do" crooner (who also sang songs for that Spirit horse cartoon with some other chump), has photographed wholesome Lindsay Lohan, Amy Winehouse and Annie Lennox as part of a 'hearing loss awareness' campaign, Hear The World (which is what that one Michael Jackson song is called in Japan). Joss Stone and Moby have held their hands to their ears in "striking campaign images". What top blokes.

Harry Belafonte also chipped in, claiming "good hearing is extremely important. It has a lot of impact on personality. I noticed (when my hearing got worse) that my voice changed, and I had to speak more loudly. People thought that I was speaking more aggressively, and I didn't mean to be aggressive at all. I just think people should be very, very conscious and protective of their hearing."

Well you heard it hear first.

2008-02-08T14:37:00.000-06:00

Hair and Southern Charm = Box Office Magic

Matthew McConaughey made a memorable splash as Dave Wooderson, the nearing-30 "wish I was in high school" stud of Dazed and Confused. Although it was his 2nd film (preceded by My Boyfriend's Back with the meaty role of Guy #2), Wooderson stood out in this indie gem particularly for those clever quips ("watch the leather man" and "love them red-heads"). However, has McConaughey made a decent film in the 15 years since Linklater's ensemble feature?

Phase 1: Budding star
Angels in the Outfield - supporting role reminiscent of Corbin Bernson in Major League
Return of Texas Chainsaw Massacre - plays Vilmer, brother of the inane Leatherface who is sadly a "deeper" character in this mess.
Judgement, Boys on the Side, Lone Star - a trio of films in which he plays a redneck cop. Lone Star is probably the best thus far.
A Time to Kill - the great wanker Joel Schumacher gives McConaughey "his big break" starring alongside then-hot Sandra Bullock in this cliche-filled Grisham adaptation exploring racism.
Larger than Life - destined for type-casting as Texas/Southern lawman, this was a change of pace acting alongside a pre-Wes Anderson Bill Murray. Did I mention the star of this film is a pachyderm?
Glory Daze - a film about the days just before graduating high school starring Ben Affleck. Sound familiar?

Phase 2: Makes a Splash
Contact - forgetable attempt to explore ideas of metaphysics and alien life. I prefer to invoke Mr. Garrison's summation of this film: *vomits* "That movie was terrible! Wait the entire movie to see the alien and it's her goddamn father!"
Amistad - Spielberg's attempt to explore the plight of another race. Cocky Southerness will work in a period piece, right?
The Rebel-star power enables him to be an auteur. This film proves he's no Welles.
The Newton Boys - four bros. become bank robbers in depression era Texas. PG-13 rating means it takes no cues from Bonnie and Clyde, the best of the genre.
Making Sandwiches - Sandra Bullock made a film?
EDtv-remember how this was supposed to compete with "The Truman Show"? Well it didn't.
U-571 - Oscar-winning film. For Sound.
The Wedding Planner - marks the beginning of his rom-com roles. Shit. All of them.
Thirteen Conversations about One Thing - "heady" film makes you think about interconnectedness of people's lives. I don't recall any of the conversations or what the "thing" is.

Phase 3: Can't Go Wrong
Reign of Fire - Dragons. Action. Explosions. Acting? Writing?
How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days - Kate Hudson sets feminism back 20 years with her portrayal of a woman who wants to get dumped by her macho man.
Sahara - McConaughey plays Dirk Pitt, explorer extraordinaire accompanied by a wise-cracking sidekick. The two cross paths with heart of gold UN scientist Eva Rojas (Penelope Cruz). Nothing derivative about this film.
Two for the Money - stars alongside Al Pacino is this picture that no one knew existed. I'm sure he learned a ton from the veteran on this one.
Failure to Launch - the cover art to this does not resemble "How to Lose a Guy" in the slightest. He plays a 30-something immature man living with his parents. Must have been a stretch.
We are Marshall - ra-ra football, tragedy, triumph, and director McG!

Phase 4: Oscar
Out today, Fool's Gold with McConaughey and Hudson teaming up again on a crazy treasure seeking trip around the world. Sounds golden!

The IMDb average of the film's in McConaughey's canon following Dazed and Confused comes to 5.7* With his agent securing him challenging roles in the likes of steaming piles Surfer Dude, Tropic Thunder, The Ghosts of Girlfriend's Past and Hammer Down (all in production), we can expect that rating to rise, surely.

I miss Wooderson.

* = FYI, IMDB places Leon, Se7en, American History X, and Memento in the Top 50 of ALL-TIME.

2008-02-07T13:12:00.000-06:00

Movie #3610
Santa With Muscles
John Murlowski, 1996, USA
"He's arrived in the St. Nick of time!"
Hulk Hogan as an evil millionaire with amnesia who becomes convinced he is the real Santa Clause (who lives in the North Pole and such) and must save an orphanage from evil scientists trying to kick them out to get to the magical crystals buried underneath in the conveniently locked catacombs????? Clint Howard further breaks out from typecasting (Bloke In Bro Ron Howard 's Movies) by playing an utterly inept cop. Inspired. Oh - and this features a hilarious performance by a 13-year old Mila Kunis, complete with wide-eyed bedazzlement. The IMDB claims this as the 28th worst film ever made. Perhaps generous.

2008-02-06T02:40:00.000-06:00

So JDitty and myself like to do our own MST3K on ridiculous trailers (next time: Vantage Point … STOP! Go back!). Anyway, here we spend far more than the trailer’s two-and-a-half-minutes making fun of a horrible trailer, for an evidently piss-poor film, that does such a wonderful job of obeying the The Big Book of Trailer Cliche Moments and Tired Devices. I may leave this up for a while, so enjoy...

0:04 "Some material may be inappropriate for children under 13". This movie is inappopriate for humans of any ages, under the Trade Descriptions Act labelling it Entertainment.

0:06 Cue upbeat, fun, cheesy music

0:10 Jack explains he runs "hospitals, not health spas ... two beds to a room, no exceptions"

0:36 Oh-so-clever: the irony of "No exceptions" dawns on Jack when he himself becomes afflicted with a disease that makes him bed-ridden. And he has to share a room. How the mighty have fallen.

0:44 Jack calls Morgan Freeman "zombie boy"

0:50 we discover why the movie is called Bucket List. It isn't anything to write home about.

0:56 Jack Nicholson uses the term "cutesy". Jack Nicholson is 70 years old.

1:02 Joe Cocker gets us "Feeling' Alright" every time. Awesome.

1:03 Jack and Morgan go sky-diving. Hilarity ensues.

1:07 Morgan Freeman: "I hate your rotten guts". Fuck Walther Matthau and Jack Lemmon ... could Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson be the Odd Couple for the New Millennium (TM)?

1:20 Exotic Locale #1: Great Wall Of China. On Motorcycle. Rob Reiner wants us to know that a $45M budget buys you two Oscar winning actors (four Oscars between them) and a crew that will travel to the far ends of the earth to bring you is “art”.

1:21 Morgan: "I got 45 years greased up under the hood of a car...". No way?! The black man has a working class job, and tons of insight about life's true meaning. Maybe the wealthy white man, for all his material possessions, doesn't get life or true happiness. Maybe this thematic device has never been explored before in a film.

1:33 Morgan: What are you so afraid of? Jack: Just because I told you my story, does not invite you to be a part of it! Best. Line. EVER.

1:38 Sad music. Tonal change. Because Rob Reiner wants us to remember that movies about the terminally ill aren't all fun and games.

1:42 "Dear Edward" says a no-doubt-posthumous Morgan Freeman. This may be the first time anyone's had him do a voice-over.

1:45 Locale #2: Taj Mahal

1:46 "A Film By Rob Reiner", who was only good in the 80s. And whose lack of vision is trying to cater to the baby-boomers, via movies about facing old age and life's past mistakes. *Yawn*

1:51 Locale #3: The Pyramids

1:55 The sad music evolves into something more uplifting. Because life is a roller-coaster like that.

1:59 JACK TORRANCE IS STILL ALIVE! Nicholson reminds us that he still remembers The Shining and that he can be creepy in ANYTHING.

2:02 "We live. We died. And the wheels on the bus go round and round." That's what happens when the white man tries to be wise and deep.

2:08 Jack meets the granddaughter he never knew he had, and decades of being a neglectful and selfish father are forgotten as he redeems himself before kicking the bucket. Touching. And definitely something we should learn from a PREVIEW.

2:15 The Post-Title Final Trailer Gag, an underused device: "Nobody cares what you think". Because it's Jack from "Will And Grace". And he's gay. And Nicholson's old. And Jack Nicholson playing a cantankerous homophobe was not explored in As Good As It Gets.

This movie opened at #1. Shame on America.

2008-02-05T03:44:00.000-06:00

So I’ve been using BoxOfficeMojo for years, and pride myself in having discovered said resource before its ascent to industry authority. However, I stumbled across a rather ridiculous category that Passion of the Christ topped: Controversy Movies. And some of my newly-crowned favourite ‘Top Grossing Controversial Movies’ include...

3. The Day After Tomorrow (Global Warming)

8. Barbershop (Anti-black leaders)

12. Thelma and Louise (Feminism)

17. Powder (Child molestor director)

21. Battlefield Earth (Scientology)

24. Transformers: The Movie [1987] (Animated use of “s-word”)

28. The Pope Must Die(Offensive Title)

The very fact that #11 on the list grossed $50M and #22 grossed a paltry $8M strongly suggests they’re clutching at something distinctly straw-colored here.

Also check out other amusing sub-genres, such as: Dragon as Focal Point of Movie (an extensive list of 7) and Dragon as Supporting Role (featuring a different 7), Irish, Shark (almost entirely Jaws and Computer Animation) and Period Sports (such as Friday Night Lights).

2008-02-04T08:49:00.000-06:00

P.S. To the Sean Young bit below...

Young's grand display of legless drunkenness is most impressive considering that drinks at the event were only served for one hour. Furthermore, the has-been - who was seated at Steven Soderbergh's table - apparently slugged a helpless DGA employee in the face after being escorted back-stage. What a winner.

2008-02-04T01:43:00.001-06:00

So the next Bond movie is to be called Quantum Of Solace. No joke. By the end of the year, lines of devoted fans are going to go up to the usher and say “Two for quantum of solace please”. Daniel Craig has defended the choice “We have gone for a snappier title” … cos that’s how I would obviously describe it. “It comes from the idea that in a relationship, if you don’t have a quantum of solace left in your relationship, then give up. Where Bond is left at the end of the last movie, his heart’s been broken and he doesn’t have that quantum of solace, he doesn’t have that”. Also stupid: nicking the two Bond girls from bad movies … Olga Kurylenko starred, usually scantily clad (or gratuitously nude), in the video game adaptation of Hitman whilst Gemma Arterton recently shot to fame as the star of the god awful St. Trinian’s.

Meanwhile, I never thought I would say this … but big up to Zac Efron, of High School Musical. The Hairspray star has shown remarkable maturity in the face of constant ‘accusations’ of being gay: “Honestly, if the worst these people can say about me is that I’m gay, then I think I’ll be fine. I can handle it.” Refreshingly unhomophobic for a 20-year old Disney kid.

2008-02-03T02:51:00.000-06:00

Once Upon A Time there was a supposedly promising actress called Sean Young. In case you have – understandably – forgotten her, after her debut in Jane Austen in Manhattan, she became that woman from No Way Out, Wall Street and Blade Runner. The 90’s weren’t as kind, and she later travelled via the clever Armanda Assante vehicle Fatal Instinct to a role as a sloppy transsexual in Ace Venture: Pet Detective and ended up as a DTV (see the stellar In The Shadow of the Cobra) starlet that was once sorta famous. Until now.

Good Old Sean Young ... apparently she had to be escorted out of the DGA Awards last weekend for heckling nominee Julian Schnabel’s speech. Interrupting with the clever interjection “Come on – get to it!”, it caused a brief pause long enough for her to be escorted from the venue by two large security guards. She fell over (classily) as she left.

In the week since, she has been admitted into rehab for alcoholism.

And She Lived Happily Ever After?

2008-02-02T07:25:00.000-06:00

WHAT THE FUCK?! Nancy “Bart Simpson’s Voice” Cartwright gave a stunning $10M to the cause of Scientology, almost two times her annual take from the long-running sit-com. Seriously … $10M! For her efforts, she gets the Patron Laureate Award, which amount to more than the religion’s vice-leader Tom Cruise’s donations over the last four years (circa $5M). Cartwright joins the likes of Kirstie Alley and Priscilla Presley, the latter (who suffers from a fear of flying, but not Scientology) picking up Diamond Meritorious Award for a $5M donation, the former a Patron Award for a paltry $50k. Prizes are apparently handed out at a top secret ceremony in Florida.

Movie #3593
Bombay Talkie
James Ivory, 1970, UK
I added this to my NetFlix queue as my new wife and I have been listening to a song from its soundtrack, “Typewriter, Tip Tip Tip Tip”, since she heard it on the [Heavily Plagiarised] Darjeeling Limited OST. However, the film is as boring as it is ridiculously melodramatic. A love triangle between three utterly unbelievably and uninteresting characters – a female English writer, an Indian writer, and a Bollywood star – I can barely remember anything that happened because I cared so little. James Ivory – you should (and usually do) know better.

2008-02-01T00:14:00.000-06:00

Released the same year I was (1983), and directed by some guy called Dick Maas, this is a trailer for a Dutch horror movie about a killer lift. No, really. I stumbled across this slice of heaven whilst watching a VHS copy of Luis Bunuel’s Wuthering Heights, which is poor demographic targeting. This is the only online trailer I could find, so the classic last line is clipped annoyingly, but you get the point.

“take the stairs. Take The Stairs. For God’s SAKE TAKE THE STAIRS!!!”
Interesting trivia…

• Maas was fired after arguing with producer Matthijs van Heijningen, but rehired the next day because van Heijningen couldn't do it without him.
• The scene where the security guard is decapitated by the elevator was shot several times, which explains why the evidently prosthetic head that falls down the shaft is smudged and disfigured.

2008-01-31T01:56:00.000-06:00

Paul Haggis’ Crash is getting its long deserved and neglected TV spin-off. The multi-layered racial narrative, and obviously the best movie of 2004, follows 1967’s In The Heat Of The Night as only the second Best Picture Winner to get the TV treatment. The feature was inspired by Haggis’ real-life car-jacking experience, when he presumably realised that “there are people out there, people that are black, yellow, green and red, and some of them aren’t rich like me”. Only Don Cheadle is confirmed for returning to the fold, though I hear Brendan Fraser, Sandra Bullock and Ludacris are doing nothing, and can no doubt be coerced.
Cheadle - who first caught my eye during the turn-of-the-century’s glut of God As A Black Man roles* - will also undertake producing duties, on the 13 one-hour episodes. Crash currently resides as the IMDB’s 155th Best Film of All-Time, one below David Lean’s Brief Encounter.
If you have time, click here to watch a video of "In The Deep" by Bird York, as it was performed at the Oscars; perhaps the most pretentious and creepy Oscar performance ever, it came complete with what seem to definitely be zombies.
* = The Family Man. See Also: Will Smith in The Legend of Bagger Vance, Samuel L Jackson in Unbreakable, Michael Clarke Duncan in The Green Mile

2008-01-30T04:29:00.000-06:00

After that Macaulay Culkin vid, here's Steven Seagal making fun of himself...

2008-01-29T15:27:00.000-06:00

The annoucement that Guillermo Blade 2 Del Mimic Toro is to helm The Hobbit isn't incredibly exciting, but it's better than some of the other names that have been discussed on message-boards:

Joel Schumacher - Bilbo's mithril is designed as a butt-hugging S&M knock-off, with holes around the nipple areas. Elron is still played by Hugo Weaving, but utilising his costume from Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert.

George Lucas - the whole film is a two-shot of Bilbo and Gandalf as various blue-screened computerised gimmicks fly and run through the background. Takes 9 months and $250M to make.

Robert Rodriguez - the whole film is a two-shot of Bilbo and Gandalf as various green-screened comic-book looking gimmicks fly and run through the background. With lots of cussing. And misogyny. Takes 9 days and $250k to make.

M. Night Shyamalan - unbeknownst to inhabitants, The Shire is really an amusement park in Houston. And Gandalf is a ghost.

Spike Lee - noted for a scene in which Thorin Oakenshield rants about various factions of dwarves, using a variety of colorful and descriptive insults.

Tim Burton - Sr. Depp plays an all-singing, all-dancing and incredibly iconoclastic Gollum. Helena Bonham-Carter voices Smaug. It's rated PG-13 and is decreed not as good as the original.

David Lynch - shot on a camera-phone, this surrealist piece is told - through a series of dream sequences - from the perspective of a slug that tried to lift the ring, but was squashed by Smeagol.

David Cronenberg - rather than subjecting him to riddles, Gollum makes Bilbo indulge in some really weird sex, after which Bilbo is plagued by flashbacks of the spider attack sequence.

Michael Bay - final shot is a slow-mo low-angle of Bilbo on dragon-back, flying into a filtered orange sunset. Steve Buscemi plays a wily troll.

2008-01-22T12:38:00.000-06:00

Movies You Should Know To Miss

Sometimes in our dullest moments we gravitate to whatever steaming pile of so-called filmmaking is found on cable television in order to achieve some sort of mental catharsis or drift farther into a comatose phase of ridiculous media consumption. This weekend I found myself watching snippits of the great 2005 Sony release, "Stealth." Perhaps a vehicle to promote U.S. technological military dominance or more likely a reason to put doofuses Jessica Biel, Josh Lucas and Jamie Foxx into a "Top Gun" meets "2001" sci-fi action adventure! Too bad there wasn't a beach volleyball scene.
I'm going to spoil this movie for whoever hasn't seen it, which you shouldn't. For those who have, let us laugh about the following moments of brilliant cinema:
-Gratuitous Biel in bikini scene. Did I mention it was at a pristine waterfall in Thailand. Makes perfect sense militarily.
-Jamie Foxx dying pretty early in the film. (Reminiscent of "Executive Decision," a film billed as a Steven Segal vehicle even though he dies in the first 20 minutes. Keep in mind this was Foxx's first release following the Oscar win.) The crash sequence was done in absurd slow-motion revealing the obvious model that was filling in for the high-speed computer generated plane Foxx was seen in moments prior.
-Jessica Biel's 5-minute descent to earth after ejecting from her ship's explosion, which entailed her narrating the whole thing. "4,000 feet!" "There's flaming wreckage all around me!" "I'm coming in to fast!"
-The stealth ship has a monotone voice oddly familiar to some similarly plotted film of a computer developing consciousness. The computer, named EDI, spoken "Eddie," had a glowing reddish blue orb-like eye that it could see out of and overhear conversations between the treacherous career-driven commander and his subordinate, the charmingly strong-minded ace fighter pilot, Josh Lucas.
-The subsequent relationship that unfolds between EDI and Lucas, a sort of techno buddy picture, as they are out to save the "behind enemy lines in North Korea" Biel, all the while scorning the treacherous commanding officer.
-A sweet rock 'n' roll soundtrack that seems to accompany EDI as he flies about the world.
-Surprise! Director Rob Cohen was also responsible for such expertly edited/acted/produced/shot/written films as "Fast and the Furious," "Daylight," and "xXx." Additionally this film was made in cooperation with the U.S. Navy. I wonder if that has anything to do with its pro-military bent?

from Shadie: My favourite bit is the last line.
MALE DOUCHEBAG: You know, me and you ... we're two. And two's a prime number. Which makes it a lucky number. (Pause) I guess what I'm trying to say is we're really lucky.
JESSICA BIEL: Shut up and tell me you love me, you pussy.
T H E E N D
What the fuck does that mean?!

2008-01-17T11:37:00.000-06:00

Movie #3582
Dirty Sanchez: The Movie
Jim Hickey, 2007, UK
Any piss artist attempting to claim Brits are more sophisticated than Yanks can be silenced by perusing this utterly grotesque take on Jackass. Displaying none of its predecessor's sporadic charm, this is a mindless trip into contrived nonsense. At one point "The Portly One" gets liposuction without anesthesia, an impressive example of a high pain threshhold. One of his mates drinking the bloody fat, is less pleasant. Director Hickey perfects the shot-reverse-[vomit]-shot, with a vast array of regurgitative reactions, which seems to be the only aim of this prime example of why the English don't like the Welsh.

2008-01-16T10:52:00.000-06:00

Movies, Under the Influence
by Zimos

In the Name of all that is holy, what the hell was Jason Statham thinking?

For those unsure how Uwe Boll came to the profession of feature film directing, the answer lies in German tax law. Essentially, it was profitable from a tax standpoint for German companies to invest in movies that lost money. Kind of like in The Producers, except instead of "Springtime for Hitler and Germany" there are only awful adaptations of videogames. For Hitler and Germany. In Uwe Boll, German investors found the answer to their prayers, a director who could reliably create money-losers time and time again.

In his latest, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, Boll has brought together a cast of actors who, surprisingly, I have heard of, to bring to life a PC-based role-playing game. For his previous film, Bloodrayne, based on a nazi-killing vampire game, Uwe set his story in medieval times. True to form, this time around Mr. Boll has created a nearly dungeonless “dungeon siege tale”. The story centers around Farmer (Jason Statham), a man with no name who wants nothing more than to live in peace with his wife (Claire Forlani) and son and raise crops. When the Orcs from Lord of the Rings redubbed “the Krug” attack the neighboring town, Farmer’s family is kidnapped and he is forced into action. With his agricultural background, it stands to reason Farmer is an unstoppable warrior who must lead the fight against the forces of evil. Burt Reynolds, Ray Liotta, John Rhys Davies and Leelee Sobieski co-star.

There exists a time-tested formula that states that the larger the poster the worse the movie. So, based on the 50 square-foot monstrosity in the theater lobby, I knew I was in for a real treat. As I sat there watching the film a number of elements of the film were exactly as expected. The script was so bad it was as though it was adapted from a 14-year-old’s D&D campaign. The sound was so far out of sync I felt like I was watching a Leone movie. Overall, though, my experience with In the Name of the King reminded me of the story of a man and his chicken sandwich. Once upon a time a man ordered a McDonald’s McChicken sandwich, took it home and ate his first bite. It would be better, he decided with a different bun, so he replaced it with a bun he had in his kitchen. Further tastings resulted in the addition of lettuce, tomato, onion, cheese and sliced ham. After his next bite something still wasn’t quite right so he removed the chicken patty and enjoyed the rest of his McChicken sandwich immensely. In much the same fashion by adding booze, cracking jokes loudly with good friends and not really paying that much attention to the film, this Dungeon Siege Tale can be enjoyed, but credit must be placed where it is truly deserved, with Mr. Beam, not Mr. Boll.

2008-01-15T13:46:00.000-06:00

I do not find Paris Hilton interesting at all.

In apparently similar news, I've always been astounded at the idea of Ivy League schools with their apparent credibility and the cost of an education from one of these elitist academies.

And, today, Harvard University has announced that Paris Hilton will be the recipient of Harvard's "Woman of the Year" award. Amazingly able to pencil it into her hectic schedule, she will stop in Cambridge, MA and pick up the award during the promotional tour of her new film The Hottie and the Nottie.

This marks the first time the Harvard honor has gone to a recipient of another, albeit less prestigious, decoration: Mitch has seen your vagina in a youtube video.

-mitch

2008-01-14T15:37:00.000-06:00

Busy weekend of coming to Portland (complete with funny customs story) and turning 25. Feel old. More posts to resume shortly ... in the meantime click here to become one of my NetFlix friends.

2008-01-11T10:36:00.000-06:00

“A gripping psychological thriller that will have you guessing from start to finish” - Peter Hammon on Premonition

Maxim Magazine’s petite film review section is sort of the KFC Popcorn Chicken for filling the cinephile’s appetite, yet Peter Hammond was recently fired from said rag, for being a “critic whore”. Like Rolling Stones’ Peter Travers or Daily Mail’s Baz Bamigboye (I have always wished it was Baz BamBigBoy), they value seeing their name + quotable nugget on a poster, over having any worthwhile opinion or taste. Here are some of Hammond’s best-written one-liners from this past year:

"Do not miss this film" - Zodiac
"Do yourself a big favor and put this movie at the top of your must-see list" - Starter for 10
"This is a movie not to be missed" - A Mighty Heart
"The can't miss it, gotta see it feel great comedy of the year" - Dan In Real Life
"This is one of those rare gems you must not miss" - Control
"One to see!" - Resurrecting the Champ
"Everyone should see it" - In the Shadow of the Moon
"A movie that should - and must - be seen" - Trade
"A movie you must see" - Reign Over Me
"It's a must-see movie!" - The TV Set
"A must-see film that audiences will love" - The Bucket List
"A must-see movie" - The Number 23

He also overused the word shocker this year…
"A fiercely original shocker" - Alpha Dog
"An absolute shocker in every way imaginable" - Hannibal Rising
"A smart, highly entertaining non-stop shocker" - 1408
"A true shocker that will shatter your nerves and get you talking" - The Brave One

Based on the evidence above, Hammond may be more respected in England, where unbeknownst to him, 'shocker' is synonymous with 'really fucking dreadful'.

2008-01-09T01:30:00.000-06:00

"Have you ever been embarrassed, ashamed, or exposed?"

Take a lesson from Dr. T, who's been in all three situations:

2008-01-08T16:43:00.000-06:00

The truly excellent Charlie Wilson’s War is after all a true story, and apparently the real life Charlie Wilson and Joanne Herring take offense to a couple of elements of their characterisations: “"I didn't like the cursing, the drinking and the blatant sex. They turned me into a kooky hypocritical tart”, claims 78 yo Herring (played by Julia Roberts with a truly dodgy Texan accent). Even less flattering are the implications that whilst these two supposed heroes may have ended the Cold War, they also armed and trained Afghanistani troops in a manner that would years later hijack a couple of planes and bite the Americans in the ass. After all, being represented as “foul-mouthed, religious and sex-obsessed” isn’t half as band as being responsible for the slew of bad country songs that emerged in the wake of 9/11.

2008-01-07T19:41:00.000-06:00

For people that don’t live in the UK and don’t get to see this… ever wonder what Macaulay Culkin has been up to? I think this is hilarious. If there’s any sort of desire on peoples’ part to see this kind of thing let me know.

2008-01-06T12:20:00.000-06:00

Movie #3571
Good Luck Chuck
Mark Helfrich, USA
One of the worst films of last year … felt dirty watching it. Constantly rooted in utterly bad taste. Dane Cook simply can’t act and doesn’t produce a single laugh the whole film. And with his kookily inconsistent leading lady, Jessica Alba, he shares the sort of chemistry you’d expect from a coupling of Gandhi and Hitler, but with less individual charisma. Worst of all is Dan Fogler, as the misogynistic best-friend, who uses terms such as “baby gravy” and “man chowder”, and at one point puts a scrubbing brush up his ass as he masturbates into a grapefruit. Make sure to stay for the credit bit where Cook indulges in foreplay by eating the ass of one of Alba’s stuffed penguin dolls. As I said … bad taste.

2008-01-05T17:00:00.000-06:00

I resent how Britney keeps outdoing herself and forcing my hand into writing about her. Yesterday she apparently refused to hand over her two and one year-old kids to ex-hubbie K-Feddy, and partook in a four-hour stand-off, causing “several police helicopters, cop cars, ambulances and fire trucks” to arrive at Spears’ LA home along with “additional back-up vehicles and officers”. This is evidently absurd. Spears has been taken to hospital for a long overdue psychiatric evaluation (can’t imagine the results of that one). It represents a triumph for Hell-A’s Emergency Response Units, who are claiming they were ready for any potential Spears action, whether it was donning a jet pack and taking off over The Hillz or spontaneously combusting in situ.

The problem with a writer’s strike, is that shows seem like they are breeding asexually and writing themselves. New York is now the setting for two wonderful sounding new dramas … the decidedly female-oriented-sounding Cashmere Mafia and Lipstick Jungle. The first stars Lucy “Rise: Blood Hunter*” Liu, Mirando Otto and France Conroy as female execs balancing work and family, and the latter stars Brooke Shields, Kim Raver** and Lindsay Price as three high-powered women, um, balancing work and family. Never been done before.
*Incidentally, how the hell do you cast The Shield's Michael Chiklis as a hard-ass cop, and make him boring? Good job.
** The one from 24 that never stops crying. Except to have a nervous breakdown after being tortured and never talks again.

The wankers over at David Duchovny’s show Californication failed to check with one-time-good band Red Hot Chili Peppers whether it was OK for them to appropriate the name of their most famous album. “For some TV show to come along and steal our identity is not right” says notoriously-moral Anthony Kiedis, the tattooed front man of the second-best-band-with-the-word-Pepper-in-its-title…ever (TM). Any attempts to claim it was coincidence can be silenced with a reminder that there’s a character called Dani California, which is of course a track from the Chili’s last album. Depending on how this case goes, maybe I should sue this movie.

...and they're trickling in.

MITCH'S TOP FILMS
1. No Country For Old Men
2. There Will Be Blood*
3. Eastern Promises
*=Mitch has yet to see There Will Be Blood, but intends to in 2008.

2008-01-01T10:39:00.000-06:00

I saw 154 of the new movies released in 2007, and these are the Best, my favourites, the ones I still need to see, and the worst…

Best Films of 2007:
1. There Will Be Blood
2. The Lives Of Others
3. Ten Canoes
4. No Country For Old Men
5. Eastern Promises
6. The Band's Visit
7. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
8. Lars and the Real Girl
9. Stardust
10. This is England
11. Exiled
12. Once
13. Away From Her
14. Assassination of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford
15. Charlie Wilson's War
16. I'm Not There
17. Before The Devil Knows You're Dead
18. Atonement
19. Rescue Dawn
20. Michael Clayton
21. Zodiac
22. Juno
23. The Lookout
24. Across The Universe
25. Gone Baby Gone
26. Margot at the Wedding
27. Lust, Caution
28. Sweeney Todd
29. You Kill Me
30. The Kite Runner

Favourite Films of 2007:
1. Heima
2. Stardust
3. Eagle Vs. Shark
4. Across the Universe
5. Hot Fuzz
6. Exiled
7. Once
8. Simpsons Movie
9. Knocked Up
10. Ratatouille
11. Halloween
12. Taare Zameen Par
13. Sunshine
14. Shoot 'Em Up

Things I Still Need To See: 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days; 12:08 East of Bucharest; The Savages; Tropa De Elite; Persepolis

Worst Films
1. Epic Movie
2. Bratz
3. Mr. Bean’s Holiday
4. Southland Tales
5. Dead Silence

Michael Bay Award For Least Deserved Box Office Hit: Transformers and Wild Hogs
Russell Mulcahy Award For Worst Plot: I Know Who Killed Me
for Most Disappointing Sequel: Hills Have Eyes 2
Sylvester Stallone Award For Most Unnecessary Sequel/Prequel: Hannibal Rising and Wrong Turn 2
Farrelly Brothers Award For Most Offensive Film (tie): Dirty Sanchez & Good Luck Chuck
Richard Gere Award For Least Imaginative Film: The Condemned
Bono Award For Most Misguidedly Patriotic: Home of the Brave
Brett Ratner Award For Most Disappointing Film: TMNT and Beowulf
John Carpenter Award For Most Forgettable Film: Outlaw, Blood and Chocolate and Rise: Blood Hunter
Joel Schumacher Award for Messy Direction: The Number 23

ANGEL'S Top 10
No Country for Old Men
Michael Clayton
Knocked Up
Juno
Ratatouille
3:10 to Yuma
Hot Fuzz
Sunshine
Eastern Promises
The Namesake

...and the Worst
Wendel Baker Story

Feel free to post your own lists as a comment response to this post...

2007-12-29T04:02:00.000-06:00

Vince Vaughn is my Hero of the Week for pissing off Reese Witherspoon on the set of Four Christmases. Apparently the man who has made a career out of playing a lazy bum has taken his method acting a little too seriously, and Princess Legally Blonde has taken offense to his lack of any sort of work ethic. An insider source claims “Vince rolls onto set in the morning looking like he just came in from a night out, while Reese will arrive early looking camera-ready.” Furthermore, Gamma Phi Beta sorority member Witherspoon - who has a really annoying mouth and whose acting debut was in a Nashville florist’s local commercial - has her self-professed “super-efficient acting methods”, and is irked that Vaughn won’t adhere to them. I want to know where her acting methods were two years ago (Just Like Heaven anybody?). “Then Reese tries to force Vince into blocking out each scene and running through their lines as Vince tries to convince her that he's an ad-libber and wants to play around and see where the scene goes. She's a one-take perfectionist and Vince likes to try it a few different ways. Sometimes Vince will be standing behind her and he has this look on his face that he just wants to kill her!" Unfortunate rumours have emerged from that he has yet to actually do this however.

2007-12-28T16:40:00.000-06:00

Vatican Officials (presumably Catholic) have ordered a boycott of the anti-Christian Golden CompASS, as it “promotes a cold and hopeless world without God”. Sounds like London. Maybe filmmakers can blame the official newspaper L’Osservatore Romano for the film’s disastrous box office takes, which have put in jeopardy the sequels, The Subtle Knife and The Amber Spyglass. The editorial claimed the film as “the most anti-Christian film possible”. I would beg to differ. Had the director Chris Weitz, who also made American Pie, rewritten the script to include a scene in which Jesus fucks Lucifer in the ass (Lucifer being a metaphor for Apple Pie), it would be more thoroughly un-Christian. And probably a better film. Though no longer for kids so much.

Kevin Kline sold his nose for $3000. But the money was for charity. Apparently Kline, playing the titular Cyrano de Bergerac on Broadway, sells his prosthetic proboscis in an auction each night, and last week saw a record figure. I think it’s kind of weird.

2007-12-27T00:52:00.000-06:00

According to Video Watchdog magazine, seven different cuts of Blade Runner have been shown to the public, culminating in this month’s 25th anniversary DVD release of The Final Cut, which strangely enough includes reshot footage. Replicant Sean Young (who should have really remained in the 80s), seems to be oblivious to the cult following and various readings of the film. When asked what her favourite version was, she naively replied “The first one. To be honest I don’t really notice a difference”. Really? Like whether or not Harrison Ford’s a Replicant? I guess one has to acknowledge that this is a woman, who after being replaced by Kim Basinger in Batman due to a horse-riding injury, dressed up as Catwoman and confronted Tim Burton on the WB set to try to get him to reconsider her as the vampy villainess in the sequel. Nothing but class.

A movie I can’t wait to miss is Zombie Strippers (Tagline: Live Dead Nudes). A government re-animation chemo-virus gets released into an underground strip club, turning the dancers into “Super Zombie Strippers”. It stars Robert “Freddie” Englund and Jenna “Porn” Jameson. Best Bit: the First Assistant Director is someone I had the displeasure to work for, who boasts a name straight out of the worst kind of Manga rag … Mimi Mui.

2007-12-26T12:07:00.002-06:00

Nu Image and Millennium Films saved Jessica Simpson’s latest, Blonde Ambition, from a straight-to-DVD release, by funding a limited Christmas run. Their marketing strategy – 8 Texan theatres, native to Simpson (whose mother claims she has a 160 IQ) and her co-star Luke Wilson (whose mother won't even bother lying) – reaped dividends this past weekend: the movie grossed $1,322, which translated to under 2 tickets per screening. In other news, Simpson recently discovered that she is allergic to cheese, wheat, coffee, chocolate, tomatoes, corn and hot peppers. And worthwhile movies. Meanwhile the film has yet to receive a single review on RottenTomatoes due to producers keeping it away from critics by hiding it in Texas.

UPDATE: For anyone familiar with my friends, I just noticed the part of "Cute Blonde Girl", played by Molly Sullivan, and thought 'I know her'. Alas - though the description fits, it is another. The Real Molly Sullivan is found here.

2007-12-24T10:39:00.001-06:00

Movie #3572
Havoc
Barbara Kopple, 2005, USA
Kopple’s career has come a long way from Harlan County, USA. Here she tackles the overlooked plight of the bored high-schoolers who live in the Pacific Palisades, but act like Wiggas. Best of all is seeing Anne “Princess Diaries” Hathaway act all gangsta, singing hip-hop, bonding with Mexicans and in general trying very hard to act. The scenes where her and Bijou Philips rap and then roll around on the floor are particularly strong, as are three offensively gratuitous displays of Hathaway’s breasts.

Movie #3574
Veronica Guerin
Joel Schumacher, 2003, USA
Cate Blanchett’s passable Irish brogue is offset by some truly cheesy direction from Shades of Grey fave Joel Schumacher (who used to be a Costume Designer, an obvious precursor to directing features). Colin Farrell makes an unnecessary cameo as a football hooligan in this limp drama. Best Bit: Schumacher, unable to handle the complex multi-layered narrative intrinsic to a real-life account of political unrest, instead opts for the end credit “Chris Mulligan is a fictional composite character based in part on several different people, and certain events in which the character is depicted have been fictionalised for dramatic effect.” Laziness, or just an inherent lack of talent and intellect? Schumacher also made Dying Young, so you decide.

2007-12-22T06:30:00.000-06:00

So I recently put seminal Bollywood musical Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge as my Pick of the Week over at That's Rentertainment, and Paul Young - a writer for Smile Politely - picked it up. He's written a piece about it and asked me for a quote. You can read his article here. If you're interested in my full write-up about the movie, let me know.

2007-12-21T09:59:00.000-06:00

Movie #3490
Factory Girl
George Hickenlooper, 2006, USA
True-Movie about Andy Warhol's mate Edie Sedgwick, who died ~~typically~~ tragically young of an overdose. Despite having a bunch of characters that should be interesting, they're just annoying and the film is just boring. Best Bit: Hayden Christensen plays a famous musician with whom Edie has an affair. I had my suspicions so looked it up ... Bob Dylan. And you thought I'm Not There had imaginative casting.

To my immense gratification, Russell Crowe has been named as Hollywood’s most overpaid star. Forbes calculated that he earns studios $5 for every $1 of his salary, which hardly seems like the happy returns most execs would hope for. Except for A Good Year, which despite it's big budget director-star credentials made a paltry $7,458,269 in the market-leading US. Coupled with his reputation as an arrogant piece-of-shit in real life, Crowe can now boast the appeal of an Acrington Stanley reserve side practise.

Sadly Nicole Kidman was deemed the most overpaid actress in Hollywood. Raking in sometimes as much as $15M per role seems bloated when you consider that since her Oscar in 2002, she has appeared in 11 movies, only one of which has turned profit. Offsetting challenging indie darlings (Birth, Dogville, Margot at the Wedding), with mainstream misses that parallel the quality of decisions in her personal life (Bewitched, Stepford Wives compared to marrying Keith Urban), consistency has only been found in Box Office failure:

Dogville ($10M, $2M worldwide)
The Human Stain ($30M, $6M worldwide)
Birth ($20M, $7M worldwide)
Fur ($16.8M, $220,914 US gross)
The Invasion ($80M, $15M US gross)
Margot at the Wedding ($10M, $1.41M after 5 weeks)
Golden Compass ($180M, opened to $25.8M in the US)

Which bodes very well for Baz Luhrmann’s long awaited follow-up to Moulin Rouge, the Australian war epic cleverly titled Australia, which is costing $120M. The only time Kidman has appeared in a movie to cross the $100M mark, was her bit part in 1995’s Batman Forever as the ludicrously titled Dr. Chase Meridian.

2007-12-19T16:25:00.000-06:00

Have never been a huge fan of Scotland’s choice for Bond Gerard Butler, but hearing that he hit Hilary 'sWank in the head with suspenders, shutting down filming for five days as she recovered from the four-stitch wound, allows me to forgive him for Joel “Hack” Schumacher’s rendition of Phantom of the Opera. During the shoot for P.S. I Love You the Dracula 2000 star had “been doing this scene for a day and a half, stripping and dancing and then pretending that the suspender hits me in the eye. It got stuck behind me and flew over my head and hit her in the head.” Former Next Karate Kid Swank most incurred my wrath by winning an Oscar for M$B, allowing her the prefix “Two-Time Academy Award Winner” (which is marginally more ludicrous than “Academy Award Winner Ben Affleck”). Knowledge that the tom-boyish vegetarian ex-sister-in-law of Rob Lowe is trying to establish her as a romantic-comic lead can only augment the ill will I feel towards her. Which is plenty.

2007-12-14T21:09:00.000-06:00

Ashley “Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood” Judd, chose to conveniently have her potentially lethal attack of appendicitis in a hospital. Shooting forthcoming film Helen (directed by Sandra Nettleback, who was dialogue coach on 1985’s Seduction: The Cruel Woman), she fell ill at the Ridge Meadows Hospital. Upon collapsing, she was put on a stretcher and taken to a nearby operating room. The actress claiming the incident as “a big stroke of luck” seems to be the equivalent in ‘lucky’ to getting run over by an ambulance. Gratuitous Snipe: the wise 39-year old once turned down a role in Kuffs due to the nude scenes, claiming that “"My mother worked too hard for me to take my clothes off in my first movie.” She would subsequently bare herself in Bug, Normal Life, Eye of the Beholder and Norma Jean and Marilyn.

Movie #3464
Southland Tales
Richard Kelly, 2006-7, USA

I know Mitch made fun of this prior to its release, but I chose – to my eternal regret – to ignore his warnings. Southland Tales is bad. And long. And really bad. The unintelligibly written and inexplicably long (2 hrs 25 mins) post-apocalyptic exercise in patting-your-penis-on-the-back showcases the worst ensemble cast ever assembled. And then it proceeds to cast them as inappropriately as possible. I salute Richard Kelly…

Justin Timberlake as a scarred war veteran who lip-synchs to The Killers
Kevin Smith as a big fat ball of prosthetics posing as a computer geek
Wallace Shawn in drag
Mad TV’s Will Sasso as a bloke named Fortunio Balducci
Mandy Moore as a spoilt rich girl
Jon Lovitz as a hard-as-nails killer cop
Christopher Lambert, in a movie. Again.
2 x Sean William Scott, as identical twins
Sarah Michelle Gellar as a porn star
SNL’s Amy Poehler and Cheri Oteri as neo-Marxists
And The Rock as the leading man. Who helps save the world.

2007-12-13T02:04:00.000-06:00

Movie #3455
Bratz
Sean McNamara, 2007, USA

I thank AirIndia for showing this on the plane.

If I could soak my written sentences with as much sarcasm as I would like to, I would say something akin to "the food fight sequence was so inspired that it briefly made me wish Kubrick had opted for the original ending to Dr. Strangelove". What I really want to say is "Bratz is to high art cinema as Dr. Harold Shipman is to mixologists".

I also want to utilise some choice quotations from Online Film Critics Society (OFCS) reviewers that perfectly articulate my own thoughts…

"One of the most blatantly offensive movies ever to be aimed at young audiences” (David Cornelius)

“A flat-out awful abortive trainwreck of a disastrous pile of worthless stupid garbage of an utter mess of a movie, even by the low, low standards of Movies Based on Toys” (Eric D Snider)

“Apparently Jon Voight can do worse than Baby Geniuses 2" (Peter Sobczynski)

Shame on Neil Minow, who was the only OFCS bloke to give it a positive review.

2007-12-12T00:34:00.000-06:00

Movie #3459
The Fog
John Carpenter, 1980, USA
How is this a classic? This seminal snooze-fest is about a mysterious volitional precipitation which harbours killer pirates with a vendetta. Yet it’s worse than it sounds. Nothing happens for a really long time. Jamie Lee Curtis has casual sex with a stranger, and lives. My only kick came from the mother-daughter pairing of two iconic horror heroines: Psycho’s Janet Leigh and Halloween’s Jamie Lee Curtis. Only less time is devoted to them than to faux-scares courtesy of radios turning on really loudly. Which is hardly inspired stuff. And this was when Carpenter was supposed to still be good.

2007-12-11T21:34:00.000-06:00

Director Clutching At Straws Of The Week
Steven Spielberg is to have the aliens from Close Encounters of the Third Kind appear in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Lost Skull. The aliens will likely accept SAG minimum since their evident typecasting has seen them offered few roles of late.

Loser of the Week
Suffering even more than coffee shops due to the writer’s strike is one Kiefer Sutherland. His sentence for trying to pull a Jack Bauer whilst driving drunk was to be suspended until 24’s current season wrapped. Except it never started shooting, so Kiefer gets to be subjected to “laundry and kitchen duties” early. The new dates see him miss Christmas, New Year’s AND his birthday.

D’Oh of the Week
Keira “Domino” Knightley recently appeared topless for Interview magazine. “We ended by taking my clothes off. Why does that always happen? Because I say yes, I suppose!”. That would certainly be one factor.

2007-12-07T12:20:00.000-06:00

Just in case anyone forgot what a dick-head Michael Bay looks like, here's a picture.

I always thought that Bad Boys 2 would be as political as the auteur behind the video for Meat Loaf's "I Would Do Anything For Love" could get. But "Frat Boy" from Mystery Men has been ranting about a Microsoft conspiracy that is responsible for the war between Blu-Ray and HD:

"What you don't understand is corporate politics. Microsoft wants both formats to fail so they can be heroes and make the world move to digital downloads. That is the dirty secret no one is talking about. That is why Microsoft is handing out $100m checks to studios just embrace the HD DVD and not the leading, and superior Blu-ray. They want confusion in the market until they perfect the digital downloads. Time will tell and you will see the truth."

In case you forgot again, here he demonstrates his striking resemblance to his latest franchise's logo:

Bay famously threatened to withhold Transformers 2 from Paramount as retribution for their exclusive alignment with HD DVD; a stronger deterrent would be the threat of Transformers 3 and 4, but hey.

Here he is again in Pensive Pink...

And a final gratuitous snipe: remember that movie The Island, which cost $126M and opened to $12.4M in the States? With Ewan McGregor as an American action hero? Good stuff.

2007-12-06T15:18:00.001-06:00

Movie #3446
I Know Who Killed Me
Chris Sivertson, 2007, USA
Dumbest plot ever.
SPOILERS - highlight to read.
So Lindsay Lohan is abducted by a killer and tortured, and turns up missing her arm, leg and memory. The twist? She is the long-forgotten twin sister of the abducted girl, and is experiencing non-religious stigmata, i.e. she wakes up in the middle of the night and her leg has fallen off. The funniest bits involved supposed tension revolving around the batteries in her fake leg and arm dying. Kinda like a metaphor. For stupidity.

2007-12-04T11:59:00.000-06:00

I, Legend by Angel

As long as nerds read books and steves make movies, someone is going to be unhappy with the faithfulness of movie adaptations to their source material. Fortunately for the movie-makers, those people typically shun confrontation and prefer Angel reruns to power-lifting. Still, there isn’t an actor who conjures more fear in a purist’s heart than Will Smith. If you were confused how Isaac Asimov’s hard sci-fi collection of placid short stories became the action romp I, Robot, you know what I mean. If, on the other hand, you are wondering who Isaac Asimov is, then you’re probably excited to see that Akiva Goldsman co-wrote Smith’s next big movie, I Am Legend.

“Gold”sman’s words have powered films such as Batman Forever and Batman & Robin (aka the Batman so good that Warner Brothers decided nothing could ever top it and that they should just start a reset the franchise), The Da Vinci Code, and of course I, Robot. Feeling he hadn’t enriched us enough with his writing, Akiva teamed up with Mike Protosevich to adapt I Am Legend not from the eponymous novel by Richard Matheson, but rather from a 1971 movie based on Matheson’s book, The Omega Man. Yes, it’s a screenplay based on a screenplay based on a book. They claim that it’s based on the script of The Omega Man and not the movie, so they’re not calling it what it is, a remake. Now I am explaining this, because it would be unethical to let Matheson fans enter the theater not knowing I Am Legend’s adaptation was about as faithful as Kobe Bryant in a seedy massage parlor.

However the source material has changed in its translation, the ad campaign for I Am Legend does do an excellent job of building mystery, while highlighting how visually stunning the movie is going to be; it could be 90 minutes of Big Willy alternating ass to mouth with Richard “the Octogenarian” Matheson, and I would probably still pay admission. Smith must also be given credit for trying to secure Guillermo Del Toro as the director (he declined). Movie-goers have otherwise been fortunate in I Am Legend’s lengthy production process, the project having slipped through the fingers of many inept hands. Imagine a universe where our fates diverged in the 90s: while Shadie enjoyed Ridley Scott’s mysterious directorial absence, some poor saps were sitting through his awful I Am Legend starring the miscast Arnold Swartzenegger. Again in 2003, the public almost receives Michael Bay’s I Am Legend starring Will Smith, but instead gets Bad Boys 2. Well, actually I am not sure we came out any richer on that bargain, but the bottom line is that I Am Legend has had so many opportunities to suck that it is virtually improbable that it will be a bad film.

2007-12-04T01:18:00.000-06:00

SHADES OF GRAY - Natalie Portman is dumb and What Would Jesus' Evil Twin Brother Do?

Natalie Portman is not as bright as her Harvard education would suggest. First off she seems surprised her nude scene from Hotel Chevalier had been “misappropriated” (read “Now found on porn sites”). “My issue is that I feel it takes something away from what you’re doing”. Like clothes? Furthermore Nat, who was a member of the environmental song and dance troupe The World Patrol Kids under her real name Natalie Hershlag, has decided that she will partake in no more sequels. “When something works you don’t touch it” … does that mean she’d consider a sequel to Mars Attacks? It does rule out a long-rumoured The Professional / Leon bid for franchise cash-in, but she was more insistent on not revisiting her role as Padme in Star Wars. “I spent ten years working on these films. It’s time to let it continue on its own”. Someone should remind her that her character is already dead. She will however work on a rip-off, ahem, remake, of Danish film Brothers with soon-to-be serial plagiarist Jim Sheridan (who also plans on remaking Kurosawa’s Ikiru with Tom Hanks, of all blashpemous choices).

Robert Sigl’s The 13th Disciple is set to come to the silver screen amidst considerable controversy. A fictional narrative about Jesus’ evil twin brother and the pair’s reincarnation in modern times, the film is getting co-produced by Kraut sounding fieber.film and Indian investors. "The film is about two archeologists touring India to research about Jesus' lifespan in India”, explains producer Mario Stefan, who may have a little too much wine in his water. “The story reveals Jesus' evil twin brother who used to practice some different sect … the film is a piece of fiction and not based on true events”. No shit. Stefan expects his meagre budget of $5 and two fish to stretch around 5000 times further than would be expected.

2007-12-02T04:19:00.000-06:00

Chyler Leigh, until now known for her role as Lexie Grey in Grey’s Anatomy, should achieve augmented and unwelcome notoriety thanks to her role in 1997’s Kickboxing Academy. A thoroughly bad B-movie certainly, it’s more awkward that she had a love scene with co-star Christopher Khayman Lee (the Red one from Power Rangers in Space), whilst only 15. Oh, and Lee is Leigh’s brother. The scene apparently involved the two locking tongues. I can't imagine a situation in which their actions are acceptable.

Barry Bonds’ [alleged] steroid abuse, and the whole accompanying legal shenanigans, will be the topic of a forthcoming HBO Films production. Once the writers strikes is settled, Ron Bull Durham Shelton will write and direct the adaptation of “Game Of Shadows”. For those unaware, the book is based on “secret grand jury testimony of Bonds and other athletes leaked by Troy Ellerman, a disbarred attorney sentenced to 2 ½ years in prison for denying under oath he was the reporters’ source”. The book claims Bonds was jealous of Mark McGwire setting the home run record, and so wrestled with himself, then started using steroids. There are at least two stellar montages in that sentence. Though casting is premature, Shades would like to see Michael Clarke Duncan as the protagonist. And by now we should know the mantra “If you build a baseball movie, Kevin Costner will no doubt come” … maybe as a wise batting coach who disperses advice and wisdoms as if they were letters of hope.

2007-11-29T11:36:00.000-06:00

Stephen King to direct instead of write, Thomas Jane to direct instead of act, Bryan Singer to be a Diva instead of direct. And The Coen Brothers are wonderful, as always.

Stephen King has not ruled out directing another movie. “I think it would be great, sometime when I wasn’t coked and drunk out of my mind, and see what came out”. He refers to 1986 horror/sci-fi/thriller/crapfest masala Maximum Overdrive, in which Emilio Estevez leads a group of humans trying to survive when “machines start to come alive and become homicidal”. To an AC/DC score composed under King’s supervision. At the time the Autopsy Room Four writer was sick of poor adaptations of his work … “If you want it done right, you have to do it yourself”. The film scores a 4.4 on IMDB.

Thomas Jane’s is shooting his directorial debut, The Dark Country, about “a couple who are forced to deal with a body in the desert making their honeymoon a hellish ride”. Furthermore, the Deep Blue Sea’s Jane has chosen to shoot the movie in 3D. His “great cast” includes Lauren German, for whom the New Mexico desert night shoots aren’t always comfortable: “[She’s] out there wearing next to nothing. She’s freezing for her art”. Art! To direct the epic, Jane (who once wrote a comic book entitled ‘Bad Planet’) turned down reprising his role in The Punisher: War Zone, being replaced by even-less-known Ray Stevenson, with Dominic West as a villain imaginatively named Jigsaw. Incidentally, the best moment in The Punisher never made it to screen; it was when Jane ‘accidentally’ stabbed Kevin Nash during a fight scene.

Bryan Singer violated Arnold Schwarzenegger’s no-fly-zone order by demanding to arrive by helicopter for Brandon Routh’s wedding. Quelle Diva. His Superman’s marriage to actress Courtney Ford took place at the El Capitan Ranch in Santa Barbara. The couple’s fortunes have changed somewhat: when they met four years ago, Routh was working at a Hollywood bowling alley, but has since headlined what was, at the time of release, the most expensive movie ever. He proposed at the 2006 Glastonbury Festival, which is known by attendees for having the dirtiest loos this side of Trainspotting.

I just wanted to report this cos it’s interesting. To make low-budget neo-noir masterpiece No Country For Old Men, the Coen Brothers (who have a 0.917 batting average), spent $800 a gallon on fake blood shipped from England. Joel explains “we had a lot of extras that had to lie around in the baking sun covered with blood on the desert floor for hours at a time … I wanted to know why they were [buying expensive blood] instead of just mixing food colouring with Karo syrup, which they usually do, and I was told this blood had no sugar in it … so [they extas] wouldn’t be attacked by creepy bugs and animals that might otherwise be attracted to sugar”.

2007-11-28T01:16:00.000-06:00

Penelope Cruz in porno with sis for bro, Uma Thurman stalked, and Brian De Palma still can't make movies

Penelope Cruz’s next screen role makes me decidedly uncomfortable. It’s a third remake of Abre Los Ojos / Vanilla Sky. Just kidding. Penelope and her sister Monica will play porn stars in a video for their musician brother’s new album. Nepotistic incest m’thinks. I feel no need to continue.

Uma Thurman’s stalker has been arrested after parking his car and living outside her Manhattan home. The 37-year old Jackson Jordan fell in love when he watchedone of her movies and “their eyes connected”. Jordan, obviously not familiar with the fourth wall, claims that they are “meant to be together … she is a wonderful person”. Uma, who is the granddaughter of Friedrich Karl Johannes von Schlebrügge, a Prussian nobleman, and his Sweedish wife Brigit Holmquist, seemed surprisingly nonplussed by the whole ordeal.

Point and laugh at Brian De Palma, whose latest film grossed $25,628 this past week-end. Redacted is yet another poorly received anti-war flick whose sole political success would be in calling for stricter quality-control guidelines on films. Critic Michael Medved claimed “this could be the worst movie I’ve ever seen”.

Dealing with a group of US soldiers who rape and murder a 14-year old Iraqi girl, the film is most likely an uncanny remake of a forgotten Hitchcock thriller. Producer Mark Cuban, owner of the Dallas Mavericks, is likely to lose almost his entire investment, considering a Joe Strummer documentary made more money on fewer theatres.

2007-11-25T14:07:00.000-06:00

Star Trek: Cloverfield by Angel

If you don’t live in your parents’ basement, then you’ll probably need to clear some time out of your calendar for the newest Star Trek movie slated for release Stardate [12]25.2008 (that’s Christmas to the sexual cavaliers who’ve gone where no Trekkie has gone before). If you’ve seen the Star Trek movies, you know there hasn’t been a decent Star Trek movie since the Borg’s plot to destroy earth was foiled by a time traveling Patrick Stewart; finally there is silver lining on that warp necell. JJ “Lost” Abrahams helms the project, and I would let him fly my Starship Cineplex anywhere. The cast is warp 9 too. The inestimable Simon Pegg plays Scotty. Karl Urban, aka Eomer from Lord of the Rings, is grumpy Dr. Leonard “Bones” McCoy. This part is just what the “doctor” ordered for Urban, whose last starred as a Viking expat in the Norse vs. Comanche action miscarriage Pathfinder. Eric Bana, the villain, no doubt is drawing fuel from the fact that Ed Norton will be ten times the Hulk he ever was. The best part of the whole thing: the open casting calls for Starfleet Academy. They’re looking for:

“Talent with interesting and unique facial features such as: long necks, small heads, extremely large heads, wide-set eyes, bug eyes, close-set eyes, large forehead, short upper lip, pronounced cheekbones, over- or undersized ears and/or nose, facial deformities, ultra plain-looking people, ultra perfect-looking people, pure wholesome looks, twins, triplets, emaciated talent, regally poised and postured talent, or other visually unique characteristics. Everyone must be thin, athletic, fit; wardrobe will be form-fitting.”

Do you hear that shrieking in the background as another Trekkie hits that final sentence? Nerd-boners haven’t died that quickly since Jar Jar Binks. They might as well said, “Have you had gastric bypass surgery? Do you like Star Trek?”

2007-11-24T01:52:00.000-06:00

TURKISH STAR WARS from Chris

Sometimes you can make a "classic" film even better. In 1982, a Turkish filmmaker did just that with Star Wars. Behold the final battle from his masterpiece:

My favorite parts:

0:13 -- Trampolines!
0:45 -- If only Luke's clothes drew more attention to his nipples...
2:29, 2:39, and 3:10 -- Story of Ricky should have had more furries.
4:16 -- Best. Lasers. Ever.
8:33 -- IN HALF!!!
8:35 -- Oh...or maybe 2/3 and 2/3...which is a pretty amazing way to kill a guy.

In summation: who would ever want to watch a boring movie like Star Wars when this exists?

2007-11-23T11:24:00.000-06:00

U2 to help write Spider-Man: The Musical, Richard Gere is gay, I wish Adrien Brody were dead, Lance Armstrong and Olsen Twin sitting in a tree, and the Coen Brothers back to what they do best.

I am a huge fan of Julie Taymor. She gave us Titus. And my subjective fave of the year Across The Universe. But news that she is directing a Spider-Man musical makes me cringe. That she is casting Universe leads Jim Sturgess and Evan Rachel Wood in the leads raises an eyebrow. And when I hear that U2 are co-writing the songs, my heart sings with sadness. Most perturbingly, Raimi, Maguire and Dunst are all set to bow out of Spidey 4, which suggests this could set in motion a disappointing and strange change of direction for the flailing franchise. But at the least both members of the under-nourished musical-loving-comic-book-reading crowd will get their long overdue dream project.

Insightful quotation from Alan Coren: when asked whether neighbour Richard Gere was gay he said that “I don’t know if he is actually gay, but he would probably help out if they were short-handed.” News.

Adrien Brody tragically escaped death twice whilst shooting The Darjeeling Limited. Brody, whose love for hip-hop has seen him mentored by RZA to become a producer and name his chihuahua Ceelo, had an encounter with a low-hanging power line whilst riding his motorcycle. The second time he was riding “behind a tuk-tuk … when the driver suddenly pulled to the side and revealed a cow … I jammed on the brakes, skidded and nearly slammed straight into it … I was thinking: 'This is going to be the way I'll be remembered: rear-ending a cow’”.
Gratuitous Snipe: the method actor once spent months performing prison exercises, sitting in isolation tanks and going on protein diets to prepare for his role in The Jacket, which exactly eleven people saw.

Lance Armstrong is rumoured to be dating one half of the Olsen Twins. He was snapped having an “intimate dinner” with 15 years younger Ashley, but denied the romantic entanglement. However, he also claimed “she strikes me as a nice, smart lady”, so we know he’s full of shite.

Serious note: go see No Country For Old Men. It’s as good a movie as has come out all year (myself, Mitch and JDitty agree on this). The Coen Brothers have crafted a deft, unique and stunning neo-noir that harks back to the tone of their sublime debut Blood Simple and echoes the narrative, pacing and quality of Fargo. Javier Bardem is the revelatory stand-out in an ensemble of stellar performances. These guys keep getting better. Go see. Today. And twice.

2007-11-21T14:18:00.001-06:00

Terminator 4 a la McFuck, Mini Madonna in Harry Potter, Clooney vs. Fabio continued and Tom Cruies special (with funny pic)

The ludicrously titled Terminator Salvation: The Future Begins has a director. By day he’s just Joseph McGinty Nichol, shit-head frat-boy with bad taste. By night he becomes McG, which is short-hand for Must Create Garbage. The former Korn music vid director made $4M (which calculates as $25 per frame) to deliver us Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle. And you thought T3 would be the low-point.

UPDATE: Batman is John Connor. Christian Bale has been cast in the lead role ... head over to Aint It Cool News for a characteristically inarticulate explanation.

Madonna’s 11-year old sprog has been approached for a part in Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. The Brit-raised Lourdes, nicknamed Lola, is pictured right; she has obviously inherited her mother’s looks and her father’s (fitness trainer Carlos Leon) unibrow. Madonna is said to be considering the offer, only if a remix of Holiday is played during Hogwarts’ Christmas Holiday montage.

Readers may remember the report on an altercation between Fabio and George Clooney. Since then Fabs has called Clooney “a low-class scumbag” and though no-one in the restaurant heard it, says Clooney called his female companion “a fat cow”. Not only that, but “he called the women names. At that point I lost my temper. I went after him and he ran out of the restaurant. … These women were with me and as a man I defend them. He was lucky he ran out of the restaurant. He's not even half a man". What a hero.

For your amusement there follows a video that Mitch fished out, of that time that Fabio was hit in the face by a swan whilst on a roller-coaster.

Diminutive shit-head Tom Cruise (pictured right) is most likely to play the surprisingly tall Hugh Hefner in a forthcoming biopic about the Playboy founder's "colorful life". The almost forty year age gap doesn't phase the All The Right Moves star, who thinks he is "the perfect person to bring [the story] to the big screen" that could remind people of his "versatility as an actor". Brett Rush Hour Ratner is to direct, a man who claims oxymornically to be Michael Jackson's pal and single-handedly ruined the X-Men franchise.

When Bender Beckham was asked whether he’s being coerced into Scientology, he replied “There’s been nothing shoved down our throats because friends don’t do things like that”. Well rehearsed.

Meanwhile Princess Di biographer Andrew Morton has had to go into security exile to hide from angry scientologists on account of a forthcoming book about Tom Cruise in which he reveals “deep, dark secrets about Tom Cruise's sex life and religious beliefs”. More of this soon I am sure.

2007-11-19T21:51:00.000-06:00

Stephen King's a cheap hack whore, Lohan's a manipulative whore, Jane Seymour's a party whore.

Stephen King has, to my utter astonishment, revealed that he doesn't "care that much at all" about the quality of film adaptations of his work. He of The Boogeyman, Thinner and The Mangler 2 fame. Regardless, whilst more talented writers are optioning their output for millions, King sold rights to his “Dark Tower” series to equally hacky J. J. Abrams for $19. Which is more than I would have paid. "I really want to see this," King said at a recent convention. "It's this story where all these guys are screaming and attacking, like in 300, and they're the last bunch of guys holding out, and the guys against them all [have] blue faces, like Mel Gibson in Braveheart”. Sounds fantastic.

Lindsay Lohan served a mere 83 minutes in jail, coincidentally the exact length of her 2002 opus Get A Clue. She did not, however, have time to watch Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, which is what she really wanted to do. Out in time for lunch, Lohan negotiated community service instead of more jail time. The Mean Girl has also been indulging in some light reading; photographers have snapped her carrying a book entitled ‘Blood’.

Bond Girl Jane Seymour has received complaints from neighbours about the late-night parties at her mansion. Dr. Quinn has a 24-hour entertainment license for her country abode, and rents it out to celebs like Robbie Williams for $28k/wk. Now at 56 years young, she will be brought to Magistrates’ Court on “raucous behaviour” charges. Considering that Radiohead used it to record OK Computer, I hope it is protected under some Historical Edifice Act.

Movie #3410
Scenes Of A Sexual Nature
Ed Blum, 2006, UK
Upon release, Cosmopolitan claimed it as “the best British romantic comedy about sexual politics this year”. Note it takes six qualifiers in order to attach the word Best. And not one less. So boring and misjudged.

2007-11-19T16:22:00.001-06:00

Shadie's World as Hosted by That's Rentertainment!

My friend Geoff, who owns the coolest video store I've ever frequented - That's Rentertainment - has posted comprehensive lists of what I believe to be the best and worst films I've seen, as well as categorised favourites lists.

He's lovingly entitled it Shadie's World, in reference to a music column I used to write for his record label Parasol ... Parasol also serves as a mail order company, and you should go here to order Heima, Sigur Rós' concert movie / documentary that comes out November 20th in the States.

2007-11-18T19:31:00.000-06:00

This scene, from Star Trek, has to be about the funniest fight sequence I have ever seen. Enjoy.

2007-11-17T16:03:00.001-06:00

Spartacus and Terl snog, Salma prayed for big boobs, Michelle Gellar becomes Michelle Prinze and Bon Jovi for Governor of New Jersey

This kiss has a combined age of 144 years. Kirk Douglas presented Ladder 49's Travolta with a Lifetime Achievement Award at the Santa Barbara Film Festival, and due to an immobility inherited from his stroke was unable to retreat as quickly as Travolta's tongue approached. Douglas Sr. would later claim the scientologist tasted of cheese.

Salma Hayek used to be flat-chested, but prayed to God for larger breasts and now has an ample bosom. Dyslexic Hayek, who starred opposite Chandler in Fools Rush In, was teased for having small breasts as a kid: "I put my hands in holy water and said 'Please God, give me some breasts' ... Within a few months I developed a growing spurt". And as God probably intended, she has displayed those breasts in Ask The Dust, Frida, Velocity of Gary, Breaking Up and Desperado.

Sarah Michelle Gellar may not be known for her acting chops, but at least she can give pragmatic gifts. To celebrate five years of marriage to hubbie Freddie Prinze Jr., Gellar became Sarah Michelle Prinze. The clean start may allow Buffy to forget duds like Simply Irresistible, The Grudge 2 and Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed. "On our anniversary I showed [Freddie] my new driver's license". The couple met on 1997's I Know What You Did Last Summer and presumed it could only get better from there.

Jon Bon Jovi apparently only keeps his New Jersey abode because he "could be planning one day to run for governor". Jon Francis Bongiovi Jr., who in unrelated news is suing energy drink Mijovi over name similarities, figures when he gives up his country music aspirations he can get a stress-free part-time job running the state of New Jersey. But until then his "day job is going too well".

2007-11-17T03:43:00.000-06:00

Strike Special, Wesley Snipes victim of racist injustice and Britney and Christian stupid it out.

If the writers on strike can only muster slogans such as “Give Us Our Word’s Worth” or “We’re not getting a Whit, man”, it’s probably a decent thing they’re on hiatus. Seriously, one sign read: “The Winter of our Dissed Content” And as news trickles in that Battlestar Galactica, Lost, and dozens of other must-see tube-distractions are "pausing", it becomes harder to convince me it’s a bad thing. Though spare a thought for the innocent victims: LA’s coffee shops, which have been complaining of fewer laptop-wielding type-smiths frequenting their establishments, causing a decline in sales! Most in danger are exclusives Joe servers like The Office, where for $500/month you can get 24 hour access to their muse-like hot beverages. As ludicrous as it sounds.

Wesley Snipes has claimed that Florida is too racist for him to get a fair trial. Up on tax evasion charges, the Blade: Trinity actor believes that prosecutors “deliberately chose the most racially discriminatory venue available to the government with the best possibility of an all-white Southern jury”. Remember that Passenger 57 line “Always bet on black”? Ha. The motion to move the trial to New York describes the area as a hotbed of Klan activity where the Klan adopted highways to commemorate the Klan and the Confederate flag flies over government property", where no fair trial could take place. This Snipes-focused negativity explained by racism was once unfairly attributed to his role in Money Train. The Chief Assistant State Attorney dismissed the argument, saying “I’ve never seen any evidence that there was racism here any more than anywhere else in the country”. How reassuring. “I think a person can get as fair a trial here as anywhere”. Need I say more?

As previously stated, Britney is too easy a target for me to do anything but report her actions. So the other day, she’s driving with her kids in the car and she ran a red light at “a particularly dangerous intersection”. Best part: her court-assigned parenting coach was also in the car. Perhaps better: she was also texting on her cell.

New member of the Stupidity Immunity Club is Christina Aguilera, who has claimed she would wear her crotchless chaps from the ‘Dirrty’ video again when she was 60.

Bad Movies That Are Soon To Be Franchises
i) The sequel to a TV remake of a toy adaptation that is Transformers 2: auteur Michael Bay talks about those infamous script leakers ... “We're going to leak a lot of false information all over the place. I now know their game. They're going to get a lot of script treatments that they think are going to be the script. They will never see the script. We've got scripts and treatments written up that we're going to leak. No one's going to know." The new being that this will mark the first time Michael Bay has directed from an actual script.
ii) a Paul Verhoeven (Showgirls, Hollow Man) helmed sequel to the Thomas Crown Affair, which is itself a remake of crime caper Topkapi. Where has all the originality gone? Clint Howard replaces Pierce Brosnan. I wish. But Angelina Jolie does replace Rene Russo.
iii) a prequel to Tim Burton’s The Planet of the Apes remake. Currently shopping for a director, so feel free to submit your bid. A sequel was out of the question, since everyone's spent six years trying to forget Burton's turkey, and the ending chosen out of a hat after five others were shot.

2007-11-16T11:39:00.000-06:00

In the Future the Book Is still Better

by Angel

After completing a midnight séance and smoking three pounds of salvia, the deified soul of John Lennon (to whom time is no barrier and all truths are magnified) wrote me an epistle through my digital Ouija board. I have learned this: Milton’s classic poem "Paradise Lost" is finally leaping off the dusty page and onto the shimmering silver screen. The movie version of the best rendition of hell since Dante’s "The Inferno" hits theaters in 2009, only to compete with none other than Paradise Lost, which Shadie tells me is about, “’A brother [looking] for his lost sister who's been turned into a z,’ Z meaning zombie." At least Milton can be proud to win the award for best movie named Paradise Lost after it is overlooked at the Oscars.

Paradise Lost is channeled through the stunning vision of director Scott Derrickson. Don’t worry Milton purists—this isn’t Scotty’s first foray into Hell; he wrote and directed Hellraiser: Inferno. Now if I were the person in charge of Legendary Pictures, that would have been all I needed to green light this fiasco, but Derrickson does us one better by enlisting serious writing talent. Contributors Phil DiBlasi and Brian Willinger popped their movie cherries on this film with help from Stuart Hazeldine, whose last script was Battle Chasers (a not yet released film based on the eponymous over-the-top fantasy comic book featuring a strong, generic warrior with a big sword chasing giant red herrings and, of course, battles) and is no stranger to adapting fine literature to the big screen (he was an extra in DeNiro’s Frankenstein). When I felt my connection to Lennon’s ghost waning, I asked him to sum the movie in five words. He said, “Milton’s lucky—he was blind.”

Shadie: I also want to draw everyone's attention to the superb movie Turistas, which was known internationally as, you guessed it, Paradise Lost and featured tourists in Brazil getting kidnapped and harvested for spare organs. It starred Melissa George, of Home and Away fame ... the same Aussie soap that once featured thesps like Guy Pearce, Kylie Minogue and Isla Fisher.

2007-11-14T20:08:00.000-06:00

Coppola doesn't like The Godfather, a priest stalks Conan O'Brien and Meryl Streep doesn't like ABBA

Francis Ford Coppola, the legendary director behind The Rainmaker, has made a list of the five best films he has made: The Rain People, The Conversation, Apocalypse Now, Rumble Fish and the about-to-be-released Youth Without Youth. Did anyone notice what he did there? It’s very clever. After a self-imposed post-uncredited-work-on-Supernova hiatus, Coppola is publicising his comeback movie by indirectly claiming it’s better than Godfather Part III. And also Parts II and I. Most interestingly Coppola forgot Jack, which was the movie he dedicated to his son. Remember that movie? Robin Williams as a man-child (only this time literally). There’s that scene where Williams farts into a Tupperware container and Bill Cosby smells it and falls out of a tree-house. Intelligent stuff. Before we move off Coppola, I want to make sure everyone’s aware of his reaction to his script and back-ups for Tetro being stolen from his studio in Buenos Aires: “The script made Hamlet look like garbage, but it’s gone”. What a modest chap.

The priest accused of stalking Conan O’Brien has been found fit to stand trial. The Archdiocese of Boston has been embarrassed by the actions of 46-year old Reverend David Ajemian, and have “placed him on leave”. Apparently Ajemian would sent “multiple [threatening] communications to O’Brien over 14 months” that he “liked to sign ‘Padre’ … [and] write on parish letterheads”, and excerpt of one printed below:
I’m told by some of those officious little usher people that you’re overbooked. Is this the way you treat your most dangerous fans? You owe me big-time pal. I want a public confession before I ever consider giving you absolution—or [I want] a spot on your couch.
He also contacted O’Briens parents, and tried to break into a taping of NBC’s ‘Late Night With Conan O’Brien’, which is what finally got him arrested. Ajemian had entered priesthood aged 30, after graduating from Milton and Harvard and failing to find a regular job.

Perennial Oscar stalwart Meryl Streep angered ABBA’s Benny Andersson (what a Swedish name) while shooting the adaptation of Mamma Mia! Despite successfully memorising lines for snoozefests Evening and River Wild, was unable to remember lyrics to Andersson’s songs. The one-time screen legend, who has a deviated septum and a fear of helicopters, explained: “I realized all of their music was stuck in my head without my knowing it, that I knew every word to every song. Except that I got most of them wrong”. Oh. Except that. Apparently Streep prefers the soothing sounds of Peter Gabiel.
In other news about highly-anticipated musicals, Michelle Pfeiffer has been offered a role in the Grease remake. Whether it was her work on the remake of Hairspray, or her lead performance in Grease 2 that secured her a part, is not clear. Jessica Simpson may play the part of Sandy. John Travolta not been approached.

Movie #3391
Catwoman
Pitof, 2004, USA
Halle Berry as a Dominatrix in a PG-13 movie? Sharon Stone as a Beautician/Villain with a Marble Face? Benjamin Bratt as an Actor? The Online Film Critics Society gave this a generous 5%. Directed by Pitof? More like Pissoff.

2007-11-14T15:40:00.000-06:00

LIONS AND AWARDS AND CRUISE OH MY!
by JDitty

Tom Cruise was recently "saluted" by the Museum of the Moving Image with a special dinner at Cipriani restaurant in New York. Apparently, his shortliness, lacked the moral support of Lions for Lambs costars Meryl Streep and Robert Redford, but you bet that the 45-year-old outspoken non-pill inducing pietistic Scientolgist had his 27-year-old fixated wife, Katie Holmes, in tow.

Fellow science FICTION fan and L. Ron loyalist Sky Dayton joined the Cruise's at their table, as did Washington Redskin's owner Dan Snyder. Both are high on Redford's list of "people who I would like to spend Thanksgiving with" list.

According to reports, the relationship between Redford, Cruise and Streep is strained following weeks of promotion and pretending to like one another. Said one insider: "Meryl and Bob can't stand Tom. In London, Tom kept trying to push himself into interviews. Bob said 'No.' Tom wouldn't listen. Meryl has done almost nothing for the movie. She wants nothing to do with him."

The highly trustworthy Fox News reported that the trio's recent appearance on ABC's "Good Morning America" revealed evident tension and lack of camaraderie as the show's producers edited the piece down to a manageable effort at promotion.

Cruise, of Far and Away fame, plays a manipulative Republican senator with plans for the presidency in Lambs. Perhaps Hollywood liberals Streep and Redford found his portrayal too convincing or maybe Cruise's ego butted heads with the Death Becomes Her and Havana stars.

Lions for Lambs, which manages to reveal none of its plot details in the trailers, after having been promoted to the level of the triumvirate of Spiderman, opened to an astonishing $6.71 million box office receipts. This places Lions in the realm of Redford-helmed cash cows like The Legend of Bagger Vance and Quiz Show. The Cruise/Streep/Redford war epic is the latest from Hollywood in a sad attempt to make American's think about the "war on terror." Rendition, In the Valley of Elah, and The Kingdom all scored big in the U.S. box office ($56 million in total, $47mil of which is thanks to Jamie Foxx), meaning they produced an educated public dedicated to ending the U.S.'s latest Vietnam.

Lambs is Cruise's first film produced under his newly acquired United Artists film company (co-owned by non-acting life partner Paula Wagner). Although the opening weekend may spell flop, it is reassuring to note that Cruise's association with United Artists places him owning the company founded by film greats D.W. Griffith, Charlie Chaplin, Douglas Fairbanks and Mary Pickford, all noted solipsistic Scientologists.

The next United Artist project for Cruise is the much talked about Valkyrie, which fictionalizes Ethan Hunt traveling in time with Luther (Ving Rhames) to 1940s Rhineland in order to knock off Hitler (with explosions and a "hot" director behind it!). As Cruise attempts to reshape his image following much talked about antics and bull-headedness, he figured buying his own studio and changing history so he's the guy who killed Hitler would win fans back. Tom, you had us at "Hitler."

2007-11-14T02:29:00.000-06:00

What does Marty see in Leo?

“A lie told often enough becomes truth”

-Vladimir Lenin

"I got attention by being funny at school, pretending to be retarded, and jumping around with a deformed hand. "

-Leonardo DiCaprio

Damned if I know.
What I do know is this:
-there were multiple assassination attempts on Lenin's life
-history has proven itself to be cyclical

Take from that what you will.

2007-11-13T15:08:00.000-06:00

MOVIES MITCH CAN'T WAIT TO MISS

The Mist
Director: Frank Darabont
Starring: Thomas Jane
Release date: November 21st, 2007

"We have a joke now - because the first two films I directed were period prison movies - that my directing career will stall unless he [Stephen King] writes another period prison story" -- Frank Darabont

It’s a good joke.

Substitute:
- the prison with a convenience store whose metal bars are dense humidity (not fog)
- sadistic prison guards with CGI monsters
- talented actors with Thomas Jane.

A very good joke.

Darabont, after the highly successful Majestic (did you see it? No? Huh.) is returning to his roots. He’s written horror; horror that goes into the history books. Horror like The Fly II (a sequel to a remake) and the terrifying 1988 version of The Blob (a remake). In case you mix up your movies within the blob franchise, this is the one where the teenager is pulled into and through a sink drain by the title character.

Oh, the horror.

So, the fellow who spent a year writing a to-be-rejected screenplay for Indiana Jones 4 is adapting and directing another Stephen King novella, this one from 1980. With the number of King adaptations that have been brought the screen (into three figures and climbing), why has this one taken damn near 3 decades to get made? Probably because we’ve been waiting for the cinematic technology to do such a work of terror the justice it deserves. Definitely not because the screenwriter/director has no good ideas of his own, and this is one in the quickly diminishing pool of King’s pop-schlock-passing-for-literature that up until now has actually been deemed ‘too shitty, even for him’.

Possible spoiler:

A mist that serves as a portal to another dimension through which monsters can enter.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Can’t wait for the remake.

2007-11-12T01:57:00.000-06:00

Question: If a Reality TV star talks, and there are no cameras around, did they make a noise?
Answer: Yes, unfortunately.
by Angel

I had a brush with minor celebrity last Friday at the Directors Guild of America (DGA) premier of the acerbically funny and endearing Juno. Following the film, Allison Maclean (Jesus’ Son) moderated a Q&A with director Jason Reitman and midway through hardball questions like, “Where did you find Ellen Page,” and, “Who is Diablo Cody?” entered Soviet firecracker Andre from VH1’s new reality TV contest America’s Most Smartest Model. I bet you can guess who managed to ask the longest, rambling, most pointless, and of course last question of the night. Apparently when he’s not sexually assaulting women or vacationing at Rieker’s, Andre spends his spare time ruining Q&As and forming fragment nonsequiturs. Now, Andre may be on a reality show about anthropomorphic hubris failing to show that pretty people can be smart too, but I assumed that there was some scripting involved. Worry not AMSM fans: this show won’t feel a thing from the recent Writers Guild strike. Prefacing his comment with, “I may have missed the movie but,” he yakked for five minutes on Juno’s lack of cell phones without completing a single whole sentence. Andrei may not be the sharpest sickle in the shed, but someone who take thats long to say, “I didn’t see your movie, but I am happy to hear there were no cell phones in it; kids use them to feel popular these days” at the Guild Premier Q&A to the second youngest Director in the DGA* has married stupid and self-absorbed in a new and interesting way. The icing: he blamed Day Light Savings for missing the 90 minute film.

*The youngest DGA member is Jason Bateman, who is great in Juno, which you should see.

2007-11-11T22:48:00.000-06:00

Russell Crowe spits on Denzel, Ridley Scott makes Monopoly: The Movie, and Leonardo was once a virgin.

(This is going to be an atypically long rant about things I don’t like, most of which seem to involve Russell Crowe directly or indirectly. Some say coincidence; some say the Aussie sucks)

During his recent advertising for over-hyped Ridley Scott venture American Gangster, Crowe reminisced about the last time he acted with Denzel, in 1995’s Virtuosity, in which Crowe plays SID 6.7, a virtual-reality serial killer who escapes into the real world and is hunted by Denzel’s typecast cop. A virtual (geddit?) uknown at the time, Crowe accidentally spit at Washington. “We had a cyclone wire fence between us and the scene was pretty intense,” explains the Proof of Life star. “They said ‘Action!’, and I started going into it … this little bit of spit comes out of my mouth. It was really athletic and graceful … [it wound] its way through the wire and straight onto Denzel’s lip.” Denzel retorted not with other body fluids, but with his quick witted “I love the taste of saliva in the morning!”. Clever.

And what's with Denzel Washington's tired hard-nut badass routine. Ever since Training Day, he's claimed to be so hardcore that even his subtitles have to be dynamic (see: Man On Fire. Seriously, the man has obnoxious subtitles).

My friend Don and I saw the trailer for American Gangstaaa quite a few times. We even perfected the “THEY TRIED TO KILL MY [chest beat] WIFE!” routine. He suggested that someone should sit Scott down and show him Blade Runner and Alien, just to remind him that he has made at least two good movies, and perhaps how to do so again. I recently caught A Good Year and would have to agree. And though I probably wouldn’t refuse the opportunity to work with Scott, chances are it’d be crap. Does anyone remember the Dead Poet’s Society plagiarism at the end of White Squall, or when G. I. Jane says “Suck my dick!”? How about Kingdom of Heaven (aka Gladiator with Arabs) or Hannibal (aka Silence of the Lambs: The Unnecessary Cash-In?

And talking of the unnecessary, I am utterly serious when I announce that the 69-year old Scott is soon to make a feature-length version of the board game Monopoly. The British version. The oldest agency in Hollywood, William Morris, has apparently offered “the cream of its stable of 2,000 actors to help create the blockbuster movie”, which will apparently be a racy (no pun intended) comedy thriller. A spokesperson for Hasbro says “[we have] cool games like Ouija, which could be a supernatural thriller, but we think Monopoly with Ridley Scott … as a massive global hit”. An estimated 750M people have played Monopoly since its inception in the 1930s, and the company hopes “everyone will be curious about how it translates to the screen”. Kirsten Dunst and Scarlett Johansson have been approached for parts as “sexy young people” in an attempt to “win over teenagers who regard board games as a last resort on a wet afternoon”. Meanwhile, a mature actor is likely to play Rich Uncle Pennybags, the cavorting capitalist in a top hat. I am not exaggerating one word of this paragraph.

Until then, Ridley Scott is finishing up Body of Lies, starring (wait for it) Russell Crowe, and Leonardo DiCaprio. Some may remember their last collaboration: Western spoof The Quick and the Dead*, with a usually naked Sharon Stone. Phone-thrower Crowe recalls DiCaprio was only 17 and “was embarrassed about not losing his virginity … he talked about that constantly … I’m hoping we have some time so he can fill in what’s happened in between, maybe show some photos, because I’m sure life’s different now”. Perv.
* = not to be confused with 2006 Screamfest Winner The Quick and the Undead.

Now here’s a Happy Families problem. If Ridley Scott is directing DiCaprio, maybe he’ll take a shine to him, which frees up Crowe exclusively to Ron Howard. Meanwhile, that leaves Scorsese free of Leo The Brat, so Marty can make a good movie again?

UPDATE: After the below news about Hayden Pant-Ear-Hairy, the latest celebrity mammal outcry comes from Paris Hilton's concern for elephants and how we should never forget that they are drinking themselves to death. “We need to stop making alcohol available to them … It is becoming really dangerous … the elephants get drunk all the time”. I suggest carding them at the door. Apparently forty elephants electrocuted themselves in north-east India, after getting drunk on rice beer. Sounds like a helluva party. The socialite is now urging Indian residents to lock up their booze.

2007-11-10T11:08:00.000-06:00

The Book Was Better by Angel

I am having a serious crisis of faith over the new movie Beowulf. Written by fantasy golden boy Neil Gaiman and directed by Robert Zemeckis, Beowulf stars, to name a fraction of the cast, the likes of Hannibal Lector, Marty McFly's dad, and glistening, naked Lara Croft with tentacles and shit all over. As an English-majoring, Han-shot-first-style fantasy geek, I feel like I should have at least a category five nerd boner, but I can't muster more than a stale, lingering fart of excitement. So the premise is that they filmed the actors performing the movie and then went back through, completely replacing everyone with uncanny-valley CGI models. While I may be flaccid and limp, I get the feeling that Zemeckis has a serious hard on for computer animation (read: fetish). I have to question his choice here. Was pasting Ray Winstone's fat head on top of a muscle-bound meathead a la Ichi the Killer too unconvincing? Maybe little Shiloh made Angelina's disrobed body resemble a crumpled paper bag on top of a droopy oyster. Whatever inspired this dubious choice, about the only joy I get watching the trailer comes from imagining the bizarre set of matrices and formulae use to select which animators would get to construct a CGI nude Angelina Jolie completely from scratch (and whether they had to work from memory or a real live naked Angelina Jolie).

Interestingly enough, Beowulf was developed at the same time as the video game of the same name, which according to previews has only marginally worse effects. The only thing the film appears to have going for it is naked CGI Angelina Jolie. This is unfortunate, because computer-generated sex scenes top my List of Masturbatory Aides that Make Me Feel Pathetic and without Dignity (joining its brothers: Japanese animation, furry porn, pictures of dragons fucking cars, and interactive computer-generated sex scenes in video games based on movies).

2007-11-10T02:50:00.000-06:00

Fabio and Batman have gotten into a fight in front of the Queen of England and the psycho from Goodfellas. Apparently Fabio was dining with mates at LA’s Madeo, when they started an impromptu photo session. George Clooney was at a nearby table, and thought they were taking shots of him with girlfriend Sarah Larson. Fabio went over to try to explain, and ended up yelling “I thought you were a nice guy. Stop being a Diva”. For real. Fabio called someone a Diva. The world’s worst living Batman apparently stormed out, as fellow diners Dame Helen Mirren and Joe Pesci looked on. “George is lucky he didn’t end up in the ER”, said the ridiculously haired Italian, the irony of Clooney’s TV origins probably lost on him. I have included a picture of Fabio for your amusement, and want to remind readers of 1998 commercial for ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter’.

UPDATE: Fabio's manager, several hours later, has added the quip "Clooney started on ER and Fabio was going to send him back there". That's really one you either say at the time, or keep to yourself.

Meanwhile in other Clooney related news, London’s Madame Tussauds Wax Museum has had to replace the Brad Pitt and George Clooney models. “Brad’s bum was in a bad way” said a spokesperson, because “visitors kept pinching Brad's bottom” and “George’s cheeks were covered with lipstick”. And this after only one day!

This just amuses me. Apparently the first day Morgan Freeman filmed alongside Casey Affleck on Gone Baby Gone, the Edison Force star had to lecture the younger Affleck for fifteen minutes about being late and being professional! Affleck, whose casting in big bro Ben’s directorial debut in no way resembles nepotism, made Morgan wait for over half an hour. And with the size of those personal trailers they get these days, it must have been torture.

You know those sequels where they can’t afford to bring back the original cast? Like Jonathan Schaech replacing Nic Cage in the imaginatively titled 8MM 2 (btw, he also starred in Road House 2: Last Call, made 17 years after the original Patrick Swayze flick)? Or Jason Bateman playing Michael J. Fox’s cousin in the Teen Wolf sequel? Anyway, few may remember 1992’s The Cutting Edge in which former hockey hero D. B. Sweeney pairs up with Moira Kelly to win the Winter Olympics. I just found Cutting Edge: Going For The Gold, which sees the two who-body's daughter, played by Christy Carlson Romano, competing in the Olympics. The movie also features a no-doubt slimmer Erik Aude’s first film performance since his two year incarceration in Pakistan on opium possession charges. Oh how we barely noticed he was gone.

Charlie’s Angel Farrah Fawcett may have anal cancer (ouch!), but she’s still fulfilling her role as the blondest bimbo in a box of blunt tools. She’s been spending a lot of her time in Germany, due to stem cell research being legal in the Land of Tight Leather Shorts. When asked by reporters what Germany was like, she articulated her thoughts in one profound sentence … “it’s full of Germans”.

Britney is too easy of a target right now, so I’ll just give you this one-liner: she locked her two sons in the car to go shopping for chandeliers.

Meanwhile, Shia LaBeouf deserves Tool of the Week, for being arrested at a Chicago Walgreen’s. Fresh from pissing me off for existing, let alone getting cast in Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (sidenote: bafflingly silly title), he refused to leave the store at 2am so security had to call in the police. Shia, whose last name almost means ‘The Beef’, cites Saving Silverman(known overseas as Evil Woman) as one of his favourite movies, which may explain some of his strange career choices.

2007-11-09T14:28:00.000-06:00

Milla Jovovich's command of English explains baby name, Shyamalan is afraid of deer, Garth Brooks is successful (and Christianity is dead).

In their professional lives “actress” Milla Jovovich* and “director” Paul W. S. Anderson** conspired to provide us with Resident Evil. But congratulations are now due the engaged couple in their personal lives, for they have forged a baby daughter. Though gender is certainly not apparent given the Ever Gabo Anderson moniker bestowed upon it. You're probably thinking "with a name like Shadie, who is he to...", but at least my parents didn't fuck with my name for media attention.
*=if anyone cares, it’s pronounced Yo-Vo-Vitch;
**=if anyone cares it’s pronounced ‘Talentless Filmmaker behind AvP’.

M. Night Shyamalan, famous for writing Stuart Little has won a court case to keep an 8-foot fence erected around his property in Philadelphia. Neighbours’ complaints about “ugliness, ruined views and adverse effects on property values” referred not the director himself, but to the “monstrous fence” which protects Mr. M from deer. Gratuitous Twist Ending: the deer are really ghosts of dead horses.

Garth Brooks becoming the best-selling solo artist in history. He has sold 123 million units in his career, beating out Elvis Presley. This must end right now. Regardless, he was awarded a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, to which he responded: “This award reflects the magnitude of the country audience and what they can accomplish when they act together." Yeah. Like lynch mobs.

A recent British study has shown that more people re-read the Harry Potter books than the Bible. This reminds me of the time that thousands of people, including myself, put Jedi on a UK census, getting it recognised as an official religion, when some legitimate creeds were not. OK, it doesn't really remind me of that, but I wanted to tell that story.

2007-11-08T21:25:00.001-06:00

Jenny-Lo Jennifer from da “Gigli” J-Block Lopez ‘s Belly
When discussing the difficulties of pregnancy, few people spare a sympathetic thought for the frustrations of the fashion designer. Clother-to-the-celebs Roberto Cavalli complains that Jennifer Lopez’s “expanding stomach is causing some wardrobe problems”. In fact it was Roberto himself that first noticed. His insightfulness extended to observations about the Money Train’s Latina, including the cookie fortune wisdom “every week she is getting better”.

2007-11-08T21:12:00.001-06:00

Movie #3358
Elvira’s Haunted Hills
Sam Irvin, 2001, USA
So a friend tried to convince me that this movie was really funny. We no longer talk. What’s really clever about this alleged film is that Elvira plays two roles. Oh, and also really clever … it is set in Romania. I’ve enjoyed poops more than this.

2007-11-08T15:23:00.000-06:00

My mate Jacob Angel recently used the question "do you believe in reincarnation?" to point out the striking similarity between adopted Brangelina spawn Pax Thein Jolie-Pitt (PTJP) and Ke Huy Quan (KHQ), aka Indiana Jones' sidekick Short Round.
Quan has since appeared in films like The Goonies as "Data" and the mouthful Passenger Sugisarishi Hibi, whereas double-barreled PTJP has a career as rich as Willis-Moore sprog Rumer's to look forward to. She has starred in Striptease and Hostage.

2007-11-07T23:40:00.000-06:00

First off I want to post a link to a 3-minute extract from Sigur Rós’ concert film Heima which is out to buy in Europe, and comes out November 20th in the US. It looks so incredibly good. Anyways … here it is.

Save The Dolphins, Save The World
Hayden Panettiere, of Heroes and Bring It On: All Or Nothing fame, has gotten political by clashing with Japanese fishermen as she tried to save dolphins from being slaughtered. The screen cheerleader, along with five other surfers, paddled out to sea to disrupt the annual dolphin hunt. “It was really frightening. Some of us were hit by the boat hook. But in the end all we really worried about was the dolphins”, concludes the "Girl On Sinking Boat" from Message In A Bottle “It was so incredibly sad … One little baby dolphin stuck his head out and kinda looked at me and the thought that it's no longer with us is really hard to take." Apparently she has held these strong beliefs in aquatic well-being since her first role as “Mermaid” in The Object of My Affection.

2007-11-06T23:29:00.000-06:00

Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen are stupid, Lindsay Lohan is stupid, Lance Bass is stupid.

Hollywood’s most talented former couple, Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen, have resolved their public feud by agreeing to put their daughters into therapy. Method actor Richards – who spent three minutes preparing for her role as a nuclear physicist in The World Is Not Enough – insists on providing a nanny for confessed sexaholic Sheen’s visits. The fate of the girls (incidentally aged two and three) was decided during a six-hour mediation. Or as Sheen would put it, twelve lines.

Lindsay Lohan, fresh from her Summer [Rehab] Camp, has been refused a drink at LA’s Viceroy Hotel. The Parent Trap kid actor – who once had to have her cleavage digitally reduced because Herbie Fully Loaded was a family movie – asked for a vodka and was told by “the waitress that she was sorry but she wasn’t allowed to serve her”, according to the actress’ aides instructions. In related news, apparently Paris Hilton’s reps have issued a statement to the post-pubescent world that they should not indulge in sexual intercourse with the Pledge This star.

Lance Bass, former N ‘Sync crooner and 12-time Celebrity Squares veteran, has admitted getting married to try to score free booze. The one-time Kim Possible star related the story, but stressed that she was “just a friend”. Considering that he is openly gay this isn’t much news. “We wanted to get free drinks all night … we’re like ‘We just got married’ and they’re like ‘Ah, whatever’ … we didn’t get one drink all night”. It seems that lying would have been less hassle.

2007-11-06T23:13:00.001-06:00

Movie #3348:
Candyman 2: Farewell to the Flesh
Bill Condon, 1995, USA
Condon’s subsequent films – Gods and Monsters, Kinsey and Dreamgirls – all garnered at least Oscar nominations for their performances. Curious, since these are all laughably unwatchable. Or unwatchably laughable. Also boasts Philip Glass’ most repetitive score to date. For real.

2007-11-06T14:27:00.000-06:00

I have added as many of the original Shades of Grey articles from the Buzz column that I could find. They are now listed at the bottom as the first blog entry.

2007-11-06T13:41:00.001-06:00

MOVIES MITCH CAN'T WAIT TO MISS
Southland Tales
Director: Richard Kelly
Starring: Dwayne Johnson, Seann William Scott, Sarah Michelle Gellar
November 16th

Oh, Richard Kelly. Thank you so much for Donnie Darko. If you hadn't done that, Jake Gyllenhaal may have very well faded into forgotten ineptitude like you should. Then, Domino, Keira Knightley's breakout role. Notch two in the screenplay belt that you will soon recognize will never be tight enough to hold up the pants into which you're trying so hard to fit. When we thought you were all out of good ideas, you make a post-apocalyptic Los Angeles based multi-narrative with the perfect ensemble cast: The Rock, that American Pie guy, Buffy, and Mandy Moore.

All signs point to this film being Kelly's return to the quality we expect from the man who brought us Donnie Darko. Seriously. Tales was completed nearly 2 years ago and was shelved by the studio. It is also rumoured to have taken the most sought after admonishment at Cannes in 2006, the worst received film. To compensate, he shaved some thirty minutes off the nearly three hour running time, but kept the Justin Timerlake musical interlude.

Expect:
- Indy-pop culture references
- Characters that are strange (misunderstood) for the sake of being strange
- Actors who act by not acting (aka misunderstood)
- Unresolved plot elements meant to make us 'think'
- A fervent following of pompous pretention proclaiming 'You just don't get it'
- Shit.

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...

Shame on you, Dick.

by Mitch

2007-10-31T17:29:00.000-05:00

SHADES OF GREY: Dogs have own acting awards, Scarlet Johansson is creepy, and Oprah is weird and boring.

Dame Helen Mirren’s corgis from The Queen have won the first ever Fido Award for Best Historical Hound Performance. The British award ceremony to honour canine acting, is part of the London Film Festival, and the corgis beat out the collie-mix owned by Samantha Morton in Control, and the brown hunting dog from French flick Moliere. This news suitably complements the Academy’s addition of a new Oscar for Best Mouse Performance in an Animated Biopic of a Dead Rock Star starring Meryl Streep that is Adapted from a Japanese Horror Movie.

Here’s something to make Scarlett Johansson seem less desirable: though the considerate girlfriend threw Blade: Trinity star Ryan Reynolds a birthday bash at hot-spot Chateau Marmont, her present was a little lacking … The Island star had recently removed her wisdom teeth, so had one dipped in gold and strung on a necklace. Mmm.

Inane Quote: Oprah Winfrey, co-star of the forthcoming animation Bee Movie … "Two bees came around and they were buzzing around my plate. I think they were after the basil... and instead of swatting them away I just allowed myself to be there with the bees. I am not gonna swat the bees because they have families; I'm now thinking, 'They have families...' I'm so affected by this movie." And Seinfeld is taking full credit for America's new love for bees: "I look at them and I think, 'You have no idea what I did for you!'"

Movie #3347:
Churchill: Hollywood Years
Peter Richardson, 2004, UK
Premise claims Winston Churchill was a Yank, and looked like Christian Slater. Decent cast of British comedians, but otherwise crap.

2007-10-31T17:27:00.001-05:00

MOVIES MITCH CAN'T WAIT TO MISS
P2
Director: Franck Khalfoun
Starring: Wes Bentley, Rachel Nichols
November 9th

A thriller named after the parking garage button in an elevator, released by a studio of the same name. Thrilling. We didn't think it could get any better than the critically applauded Ghost Rider or the brilliantly conceived stoner comedy Weirdsville, but the professionals have proven us wrong by topping off Wes Bentley's (emo-archetype Ricky Fitts) most successful year to date with this guaranteed sleeper—scratch that—knocked unconscious hit. It's a brilliantly original concept, all the same: a girl is trapped in a building with a psychopath. Also note, two of the supporting characters' names are "Elevator Gal" and "Man in Elevator."

In support, we need to acknowledge modern horror maestro, Alexandre Aja, is putting his virgin production credit on this film. Since his discovery, he hasn't misled us, but it seems he's decided that this reign has lasted long enough.

by Mitch

2007-10-31T15:15:00.000-05:00

SHADES OF GREY: Ryan Gosling quits Peter Jackson movie, Garrison Keillor has stalker and stupid kid tries to be a wizard.

Career Move of the Week: Ryan Gosling has quit Peter Jackson’s The Lovely Bones over creative differences. I would like to remind readers of a time when Stuart “Who is He?” Townsend quit Jackson’s Lord of the Rings for the same reason, to take a role in Queen of the Damned and subsequently League of Extraordinary Gentlemen. Gosling had already grown a beard and lost 20 pounds for the role, no doubt borrowed from his ex-director’s sidelined stash. Meanwhile “Marky” Mark Wahlberg has taken over acting duties, and hopes to also undertake boyfriend duties with the recently exed Rachel McAdams.

Movie #3345:
Flight of the Living Dead
Scott Thomas, 2007, USA
May as well be monikered Zombies on a Plane, this is not very good. In case anyone was wondering. In an unrelated recap, neither is Joel Schumacher. In case anyone had forgotten.

Cutest Story of the week: God’s gift to women Garrison Keillor of A Prairie Home Companion fame has had to get a restraining order against a fan whose idea of romance involved sending him petrified alligator feet and dead beetles. The 65 year-old no doubt got his biggest kick since the Kennedy administration when Andrea Campbell sent a letter “graphically describing making love to [him]”. Meanwhile Campbell claims “[he] is just paranoid”.

David Beckham has been voted Most Masculine Man Alive. Has anyone heard him speak? Just wondering.

Dumbledore was gay. Not really that interesting. Much more fascinating … Charlie Thomas’ attempts to audition for the next Harry Potter movie had him put a cone on his head. Good job.

Not so funny - a team of firefighters having to free the little knob from his get-up.

2007-10-31T02:40:00.001-05:00

12-14-05: The Farrelly brothers and Johnny Knoxville are hardly known for being the most politically correct "comedians" (and I use that term loosely,) so it is with absolute dread that I report that they are collaborating on The Ringer, a tale of a cash-strapped chap (played by the Jackass jackass), who feigns a mental disability to sneak into the "Special Olympics." The Farrelly brothers have proved to be insensitive to those with weight issues in Shallow Hal, conjoined twins in Stuck On You, and people with a sense of humor in all their other movies - so hopes are low. Executive producer Tim Shriver is fairly disillusioned when talking about Knoxville's bad-boy image, "If a guy like that can become friends with a person with Down Syndrome, man, that's amazing." And the Coyote Ugly extra chimes in ... "It really pushes boundaries." Knoxville continues that it is OK to laugh at the Special Olympics, claiming "Absolutely - you're not laughing at them. You're really laughing with them. There are a lot of jokes in this movie, and they're in on them all."

12-14-05: And only a minor segue into the culturally insensitive. Rob Marshall is receiving almighty castigation for his casting choices in Memoirs of a Geisha. For his screen adaptation of the popular novel, Marshall - who choreographed the TV movie Mrs. Santa Claus - cast Chinese actors in place of Japanese ones. In fact none of the major roles have Japanese actresses cast, with even Malaysia's Michelle Yeoh getting a role. Marshall claims he picks actresses purely on talent. I would like to cite his casting of Richard Gere and Queen Latifah in his last movie, Chicago. Burn. The whole debacle is similar to if Jamie Foxx had been cast as Johnny Cash in Walk The Line since he did such a good job in Ray. But no one else sees it like that.

12-14-05: Meanwhile Chinese superstar Jet Li is retiring from Kung Fu films as he wants to make a name for himself as an actor. The martial artist claims Fearless will be his last action movie, and at 42 he is going to make more serious fare. He in fact has more than 20 movies in the pipeline. For those who are unaware, Li is a multi-faceted filmmaker ... he wrote the convoluted story upon which Kiss Of The Dragon was based, and he produced Unleashed (which is called Danny The Dog in some foreign territories.) He wishes to collaborate with Luc Besson again, himself on quite a roll having not directed a movie since 1999s dud Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc. He has however helped produce 27 films in the last two years, which isn't so much prolific as it is promiscuous.

11-24-05: Jane Austen academics and English majors around the globe are outraged at the sexed-up Hollywood adaptation of Pride and Prejudice currently doing the rounds. Featuring Keira Knightley's flat bosom as the usually plain Elizabeth Bennett, and pretty boy Matthew MacFadyen as Darcy, scholars are claiming it to be "totally inappropriate." In fact Joan Klingel Ray, President of The Jane Austen Society, is thinking of pulling it from their annual convention: "The film is full of sexual imagery," explains Ray, who obviously has a life, "In one scene a wild boar, which I assume is supposed to represent Darcy, wobbles through the farm with its sexual equipment on show." And who said Austen was for old farts? Director Joe Wrights response to the controversy was not quite as eloquent as Austen's prose however: "They can go jump in a lake."

11-24-05: As of early next year, automobile navigational systems will offer celebrity directions. Burt Reynolds and Dennis Hopper have already signed up for turn-by-turn instructions, whilst Mr. T offers advice such as "Pay attention to what I'm saying" or "Mr. T gonna get you there in one piece - you gonna be there safely or else." Obviously the novelty factor could quickly wear thin, but voices will cost about $10 to download online, whereas character-themes (cowboy, surfer dude - confirmed; dominatrix - imminent) are just $5. Speaking of Mr. T, if you're ever bored, look up the video for "Treat Your Mother Right," in which he sings - in really small shorts no less - "M is for the moan, and the miserable groan / from the pain that She felt when I was born." Makes you want to cry. Literally.

11-24-05: The recently deceased James Doohan (aka Star Trek's Montgomery "Scotty" Scott), was to have his ashes launched into space in a rocket, but the take-off was delayed because of engine trouble. Beam me up indeed. His attempt to boldly go where no split infinitive has gone before has now been re-scheduled for January. Doohan, obviously no longer the oldest living Star Trek star, had a missing middle-finger that only was apparent in two episodes, and will no doubt be remembered as much for his roles in MacGyver and Knight Rider as for his role in The Bold And The Beautiful.

11-10-05: Woody Allen caused an international scandal in 1992 when he dumped long-term partner Mia Farrow for her adopted daughter, Soon-Yi Previn. In a recent interview, the dirty old man, now 69, admitted that there is a slightly paternal feel to his relationship with Previn, who is 35. No shit. He went on to describe Farrow finding nude photographs of Previn as "one of the great pieces of luck in my life," all stated without a hint of irony. Allen, who once voiced a character in Antz opposite Sylvester Stallone, also talked about how "the very inequality of me being older and much more accomplished, much more experienced, takes away any real meaningful conflict." Adding arrogance to being a perverted cradle-snatcher obviously makes Woody quite the catch. Good thing he's so attractive.

11-10-05: Wannabe bad-boy Christian Slater was apparently Taser-gunned down from Paris Hilton's roof by impatient police. The 36-year-old, who played "Easily Fooled Security Guard" in Austin Powers, climbed the house to annoy neighbors who had complained about Hilton's party being too loud. Annoyed, the neighbors called the cops who soon had him falling into bushes. Slater, one-time voice of Pips in FernGully: The Last Rainforest, is on probation for groping charges, but his attorney Eric Franz doesn't believe his drunken antics will constitute a breach: "I don't believe that Mr. Slater's having a good time at Paris Hilton's party will have any effect on his New York case."

11-10-05: Vincent Gallo's inflated ego took a turn for the worse this week, as he set up a Web site (VGMerchandise.com) offering his sperm for sale at a sticky $1 million. Mothers to be can get IVF, or natural insemenation for an extra $500,000, though this fee is waved if the Brown Bunny auteur deems her attractive enough. The site also includes a copy such as "Mr Gallo is 5 feet 11 inches and has blue eyes. There are no known genetic deformities in his ancestry and no history of congenital diseases. If you have seen The Brown Bunny, you know the potential size of the genitals if it's a boy (eight inches if he's like his father)." It continues to suggest that his sharp features would "blend well with a softer, more subtly featured female."

11-3-05: The flying car from Harry Potter and The Chamber Of Secrets has been stolen from its South West FilmStudios home, presumably by a Potterfreak. Devon and Cornwall Police spokesman PC Baxter Provan cleverly deduced that since the vehicle was not in drivable condition "it is suspected that it would have to have been towed or lifted from the scene." As yet there are no suspicions of magic. Regardless, if anyone sees a turquoise 1962 Ford Anglia, registration 7990 TD, flying around St Agnes, please send an owl to the Ministry of Magic.

11-3-05: Following in the success of documentaries such as Fahrenheit 9/11 and March Of The Penguins, comes Feeding On The Dead. Despite its title, this is not yet another zombie flick, but rather a document of Northern India's Aghori sect ... secretive Hindu ascetics who eat corpses, believing that ingestion of dead flesh makes the body ageless and grants the eater supernatural powers. It took three months for the director to gain the trust of the tribe, so as to be allowed to film the holymen's cannibalistic ritual, where they pluck dead bodies from the Ganger River, and eat them. The film is said to be fairly morbid.

11-3-05: But on a lighter note Sly Stallone, in a thinly-veiled desperate attempt to re-attain stardom, will revisit two of his best loved roles, in eagerly awaited sequels to Rambo and Rocky. In Rambo IV -subtitled Ad Nauseum perhaps? - former Vietnam vet John J. Rambo is retired and living the quiet life when he gets involuntarily involved in a case of a missing child. Meanwhile Rocky Balboa - incidentally Part 6 - sees the retired boxing champ approached to fight with reigning heavyweight champ Mason "The Line" Dixon. Stallone will be over sixty by the time the films are released, but isn't concerned. "[The movies are] about everyone who feels they wan to participate in the race of life, rather than be a bystander," philosophizes a man who once headlined a movie called Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot. "You're never too old to climb a mountain, if that's your desire." Deep.

10-27-05: After over a year of speculation over the identity of the next Bond - which involved such ill-advised possibilities as Goran Visnjic and Hugh Jackman for the quintessentially British super-spy - Daniel Craig's mum has spilled the beans. Sony Pictures, in a poorly-masked marketing ploy, had said Thursday that they would unveil Bond at a press conference in London, only for Olivia Craig to confirm, one hour before said conference, that her wee son would become the first blond Bond. "We are thrilled to bits" exclaimed Mrs. Craig, barely able to contain her excitement. Meanwhile Craig, ever the character actor, recently proved his tux-donning credentials by bedding Sienna Miller, the girlfriend of his close friend Jude Law, causing them to break up.

10-27-05: Walking carpet Chewbacca's growls may be indiscernible to most, but now they officially will fall under Texan drawl. Brit Peter Mayhew, who played 'Chewie' in four Star Wars films, is to become an American. The 7'3 former hospital worker has been living in Texas for years, and at the age of 60 will join 441 people from 77 countries to become a naturalized American. The thesp, who once made an uncredited appearance on The Muppet Show, joins Sir Anthony Hopkins and Pierce Brosnan as others in the biz that have betrayed their homeland in recent years.

10-27-05: Freddie Prinze Jr is a man's man. Last week he complained at having cracked a rib mysteriously (possibly in a bar fight?), but a trip to the doctor has revealed the true reason for his pain: "I ate a lot of Chinese food", explains Jr, who once wrote an episode of Mutant X. "My favorite little place in New York is a place called Chun Lee and they have a lot of food and I ate all of it. It hurts really bad. They gave me Vicodin, but I can't take too much of that because I have to work". Freddie (just "Fred" to friends) shares a birthday with another whiny loser, James Van Der Beek. Coincidence?

10-27-05: P.S. The Governator has confirmed that he will re-team with James Cameron on two sequels ... Terminator 4 and True Lies 2. Enough said.

10-13-05: One would be forgiven for not heeding the advice of the now portly John Travolta. After all, he has headlined some of the plumpest turkeys of our times, spanning Battlefield Earth, Phenomenon and Michael to Lucky Numbers, Domestic Disturbance and Be Cool, via Basic,Ladder 49 and Look Who's Talking Now. Regardless, he and fellow scientologist wife Kelly Preston (whose own resume includes What A Girl Wants, Jack Frost and Holy Man) have suggested that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' forthcoming birth adhere to the church's strict doctrines. Under the 'silent birth' dogma, there should be no fuss over the delivery: no chatting, no music and not even expressions of pain from the mother-to-be. Preston explains that "moments of pain ... can affect babies in their future."

10-13-05: Meanwhile, Tony Danza has been bewailing the lack of morals displayed by Cruise and Holmes' pregnancy annoucement, as they are having a child outside of the holy institute of marriage. "Here's a guy lecturing people about drugs," states Danza, referring to Cruise's recent condemnation of Brooke Shields' anti-depressant medication, "but out of wedlock births don't seem to bother him." Personally, I think starring in Cannonball Run II is about as immoral as it gets, but that's just me.

10-13-05: Reverend Graham Taylor, author of the book upon which forthcoming movie franchise Shadowmancer is based, has been thrown out of a British school for inappropriate language when addressing 12- and 13-year-olds. Taylor, who sold his book rights for over $3 million, used the words 'crap,' 'poo,' 'fart' and - shock! horror! - 'bogey' during his talk. Defending himself, he claimed "my language was appropriate. Langauge changes and words that once were deemed unacceptable are now part of our culture."

10-13-05: And finally ... two families from Utah, attempting to buy the Mormon film Sons Of Provo received a rather unwelcome surprise thanks to a mix-up at the replicating factory. The incredibly contrived cock-up had the DVD containing not a family film about a religious boy band, but an unrated gay porno entitled Adored: Diary Of A Porn Star. Ironically purchased at bookstores owned by the Mormon church, the movie does contain some redeeming qualities that would appeal to the cross-over demographic, as it sees its protagonist try to reconnect with his family despite his frowned-upon choice of profession.

9-29-05: The FBI has released a string of files documenting celebrities they once suspected of being communist. Included in the list are John Lennon, Marilyn Monroe, Frank Sinatra, The Beach Boys, Louis Armstrong, Albert Einstein, Lucille Ball and Liberace. Blonde bombshell Monroe got blacklisted after applying for a visa to Russia, after which she was tracked to a communist group meeting in Mexico organized by Sinatra. The crooner was targeted after apparently attending sex parties with President John F. Kennedy (yet the President, indulging in the same activities and romantically linked to Monroe, was never a suspect). Finally Lennon was added when agents deduced he had planned to disrupt the Republican National Convention in 1973, but struck him off the list because his drug habits rendered him incapable of being a revolutionary. I wish Shades of Gray could make this sh*t up, but it's actually true.

9-29-05: Supposed gentleman and knight Sir Anthony Hopkins has admitted he was once so hooked on alcohol that he suffered hallucinations. The Oscar-winning sheep-shagger (he's Welsh so it's OK) has now been clean for 30 years, prior to which he would drink Mexican spirit tequila like a fish. Not that fish drink tequila, but you get the drift. The side effects were like "a prolonged acid trip: I saw things and had peculiar quasi-religious experiences", reminisces the International Velvet thesp. "I thought I was John The Baptist, and I would talk to the sea at Malibu and the sea would talk back to me. It was weird."

9-29-05: Taking the "sex sells" mantra a little too far, The Things About My Folks is using an unconventional method to market itself: apparently it features the first ever nude scene from 78-year-old Peter Falk. "I am not totally nude", explains the septuagenarian, "I'm wearing talcum powder". Co-star and writer Paul Reiser elaborates: "Peter basically is playing my father. My father used to use more talcum powder than you could ever imagine ... He's come out of the shower and the floor around the whole house would be like a scene from Scarface." And there you have the link between a mound of cocaine and Columbo's penis.

9-22-05: Call me a cynic, but ever since Coppola got all sophisto on us with his lucrative range of wines, every Tom, Dick and Harry wants on the bandwagon. Greta Garbo's 100th birthday is Oct. 1 and to celebrate 350 cases of limited-edition Garbo Brut Rose will be sold at Napa, California's Domaine Carneros Winery, for a surprisingly affordable $42. Apparently, though, it tastes like piss. Meanwhile, Frida Kahlo's estate is releasing a line of tequila. "She enjoyed tequila very much. She would drink it to inspire herself to do her paintings", explains the President of Dorado, Pizzorini & Sons. I take this message as meaning that I too can create art if I get tanked on tequila, but that's just me.

9-22-05: You'd think that even the Weinstein Bros would have heard about Hurricane Katrina and the few knock-on effects it's had. If so, it seems a tad insensitive to release Venom, a Louisiana-based horror film, this week. Claims are "the plot is completely unrelated to the disaster in New Orleans." Maybe, but the movie, which features killings and chaos in the state, might be a little too close for comfort? The official word from the Weinstein Bros is, "It's sort of in the eye of the beholder in terms of how closely someone might associate this movie with the real-life events in the wake of Hurricane Katrina". Well in that case it's all good.

9-22-05: The former Yugoslavia was ravaged by the war that took place between 1992 and 1995 as Croats, Bosnians and Serbs fiercely fought for control. Few cities were as tragically hit as Mostar, which was practically reduced to rubble. Hence officials have sympathetically decided to protest against the perpetual issue of ethnic division by by erecting a symbolic statue in the city center park. But in a strange move, the icon will be of martial arts legend and definitely non-Yugoslav Bruce Lee. Apparently the late Enter The Dragon star is seen as a hero for people of all backgrounds, and thus deemed an appropriate symbol for peace, despite his propensity for pugilism.

9-15-05: Paris Hilton has a low sex drive. The home-video starlet has spent much time recently explaining that she has a short of rampant libido, this in spite of all the documented evidence to the contrary, including a couple of raunchy hide-the-salami sessions and a commercial in which she gets frisky with a Hardee's burger. "I'm sexual in pictures and the way I dress and my whole image," explains Miss Hilton, "but ... all of my ex-boyfriends ... would be like, 'What's the matter with you? You're so not sexual.'" Likely story. In related news, the sensitive hotel heiress was recently brought to tears when a fan bid $200,000 at an auction to spend New Year's Eve with her ... "It's so generous. I'm crying right now." Eloquent as always.

9-15-05: Shades of Grey previously reported that Kevin Smith was in no way selling out by making a pseudo-big budget follow-up to the definitively indie Clerks. However, the Jersey Girl auteur has made the ordeal a little more acceptable by auctioning five prizes in aid of Katrina victims: a walk-on part in Clerks 2, a set visit, a bunch of T-shirts, having Smith leave your voicemail message (apologizing for Mallrats?) and a BBQ at his house (i.e. opportunity to dis his failing career). To participate, head over to his production company, View Askew.

9-15-05: P.S. Two exciting new developments in the movie world ... bizarre casting for the Iggy Pop biopic whose plot is very much under wraps, with character actor Elijah Wood playing the iconoclastic punk rocker. And both last and least, the long overdue Police Academy 8 has finally been greenlit, with Steve Guttenberg promising a cameo. Beware of both within the year.

1-6-05: Showtime is producing a musical remake of cult propaganda flick Reefer Madness. The 1936 original was a government commissioned "documentary" that warned parents of the dangers of marijuana, a "demon weed" more deadly than cocaine or heroin, favored by jazz musicians and other degenerate types. The contemporary version appropriately takes a satirical and sarcastic tone. Alan Cumming will star in the movie, which will include a Busby Berkeley-style dance sequence complete with men with pot leaf-emblazoned G-strings gyrating around a gigantic hookah.

1-6-05: Supposed hero and hard-man Jet Li has proved to be nohing more than a woman's blouse after all. The One's martial artist injured his foot when the tsunami that rocked Asia swamped a hotel in which he was vacationing. The story goes that he sprained said extremity on a piece of floating furniture. Diddums. The fact that tens of thousands of people lost their lives is apparently lost on the self-absorbed mega-star, who has conducted numerous interviews about his experience.

1-6-05: Erik Aude, star of seminal classics Dude, Where's My Car? and Van Wilder, is back in California after almost three years in a Pakistani jail for drug trafficking. He was arrested in February of 2002, when the lining of his suitcase was found stuffed with opium. The thesp lost about 40 pounds during his incarceration, which involved "a living hell of beatings and death threats." But, he's learned a valuable lesson which he thinks we could all benefit from hearing: "You really have no idea how lucky we are. As Americans we live like kings."

12-23-04: In the latest in a series of unfortunate events, Jim Carrey had to flee a London hotel after a fire broke out. “No one rescued me, no one came. I had to find my own way out,” moaned the resourceful rubber-faced comic. Firefighters were either busy saving Matt Damon and George Clooney (also in the building) or hinting to the freshly-off-Prozac comedian exactly what they thought of Batman Forever and Bruce Almighty. Incidentally Damon was tragically unharmed.
12-23-04: It seems that Kevin Costner may have kidnapped and adopted a baby about twenty years ago – about the time he’d have been filming Sizzle Beach, U.S.A. Romana Medina claims that when her daughter was taken from her, the Dragonfly star took the child, and had its name illegally changed. Medina’s claims are somewhat flimsy: she is fuzzy on details as she suffers from blackouts and has gaps in her memory. Costner, despite being thrilled at a woman’s admittance to befriending him, made no comment, but did slap Medina with a restraining order.
12-23-04: Anti-contraceptive campaigner Mel Gibson, next to be seen in Mad Max: Fury Road, has found a worthy cause for the spoils from that Jesus flick: he has spent $15M on a Pacific island called Mago. “He wants to keep it as an exclusive getaway for family and friends,” says an insider. Satellite images may confirm whether this means a retreat for a religious cult. As a testament to his Christian compassion, Gibson will have to evict forty residents from the island … mostly farmers and their families.

12-16-04: Hunchback of Notre Dame II voice Jennifer Love Hewitt apparently struggled to master an English accent for her role in The Truth About Love. “It was tough”, says the teen pop star, “I stuck out like a sore thumb.” Considering her previous inability to convincingly play a human being, it isn’t a surprise that a British lady is out of her range. Regardless, Love Hewitt, whose 1995 album Let’s Go Bang is a huge seller in Japan, solved her dilemma by underplaying the accent: “I wanted my accent to be barely noticeable. I wanted it to be really light.”
12-16-04: Calvin Broadus has it pretty sweet: his latest single tops the Billboard Charts and he’s just sold a pretty uninventive movie pitch for $1M. Broadus, who goes by the more imaginative moniker Snoop Dogg, will star in Coach Snoop, an inspirational autobiographical tale of his experiencing coaching his son’s football team. “This film is about how I learned to be a good father through coaching,” says the cool-as-a-dead-polar-bear Dogg, “about lessons learned on and off the field.” By Jove this may be the most eagerly anticipated movie ever made.
12-16-04: Gift-buying and vacation-leave can take their toll on the less than affluent student’s funds. If this applies to you, consider undertaking some freelance photography work. Every publication wants pictures of Julia Roberts’ newly-born twins - with or without the Mystic Pizza actress’ consent – and is willing to shell out at least $250,000. Roberts recently gave birth to Hazel Patricia Moderr and Phinneas Walter Moder; pictures may confirm rumors that they each sport a full set of their mother’s pearly whites. The future stalkerazzo targets enter a long line of celebrity’s kids with unusual names: Planet and Rumor (Demi Moore), Apple (Gwyneth Paltrow), Audio Science (Shannon Sossamon) and Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee).
12-9-04: The Phantom Menace may have been ill-conceived, but it pales in comparison to The Star Wars Holiday Special. The two-hour film written by George Lucas, starring the entire original cast, originally aired on CBS in 1978. Lucas is trying to have it banned, saying “"If I had the time and a sledgehammer, I would track down every bootlegged copy of that program and smash it". It tells of Chewbacca’s trip home to spend Life Day with his family. Alongside poorly animated interludes, a highlight has Princess Leia reducing Solo and Luke to tears with a song to the tune of the Star Wars theme. For once this is not an exaggeration.

12-9-04: Johnny Depp checked in to a London Hotel this week under the assumed name “Oprah Noodlemantra”, a name he first used to avoid being associated with Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare, that great sequel that had portions in 3D. He inadvertently attracted attention whilst at classy London restaurant Scalini’s: when a fellow American asked him to extinguish his cigarette, Depp calmly retorted “I’m sorry, but we’re not in LA anymore”, and continued puffing.

12-9-04: Kevin Spacey’s string of disappointments (such as Life of David Gale, Shipping News, Pay It Forward to name but a few) may encourage him to make an unusual career move: “I have a good mind to jack in all the acting things and just live the life of a singer-songwriter.” Rediscovering his penchant for music whilst crooning his way through Bobby Darin biopic Beyond The Sea, the Iron Will star plans to tour America with co-stars The John Wilson Orchestra. Next week: Jean-Claude Van Damme quits “acting” (in broad terms) for a run at Ultimate Fighting Champion.

11-18-04: Walking fast-food commercial Michael Moore's next project will be Fahrenheit 9/11 1/2 (a prequel to 9/12?). It will retread familiar territory, albeit more overtly criticizing Bush and presumably messing with Texas. It seems that Moore believes that in our post-Nov. 2 world, he still has a calling: "They weren't told the truth," said Moore between mouthfuls of hamburger. "We're communicators and it's up to us to start doing it now. There is a silver lining: The Great Dubya is prohibited by law from running (for president) again." However, if that son-of-a-Bush can persuade the public that he didn't win the last election, he may be able to overturn that last statement, in which case expect Moore's film to be released in 2008.

11-18-04: Foppish British actor Hugh Grant has indicated a decline in his enjoyment of acting. "It's so long and boring and so difficult to get right," says Grant. Really? This from the guy who chose to make Extreme Measures and Mickey Blue Eyes. Meanwhile Bridget Jones co-star Renee Zellweger seems to feel the 44-year old is losing his looks. Her own weight gain the subject of scrutiny, she has advised Grant to shed a few pounds. Referring to a play-fight in the movie, she explained, "he was much fleshier, and the contours were softer-it was more like wrestling my grandmother." While he obviously didn't have her at hello, the only one who stands to lose from Grant's potential retirement is a certain Divine Brown: an out-of-work actor will hardly be able to afford the alleged $14 it cost to pay her a visit back in 1995.

11-18-04: In lighter news, anyone who achieved adulthood knocking one out to Pamela Anderson running in that red swimsuit will be pleased to hear that come 2006, Baywatch will receive the long awaited silver-screen adaptation treatment. Dreamworks has already snapped up rights to the film, though details are scarce. As Futurama has taught us, this may be the first movie filmed entirely in slow-motion and/or the one that finally gets Anderson her much overdue acting Oscar. Expect much running and jiggling, David Hasselhoff's chest hair, and hopefully a Sting and Bon Jovi rendition of the theme song: "In us we all have the power/ But sometimes it's so hard to see/And instinct is stronger than reason/It's just human nature to me."

11-10-04: In a post-modernistic moment of self-referential masturbation, Quentin Tarantino, director of one-quarter of Four Rooms, will plagiarize his own plagiarism. The 41-going-on-16 movie geek will make an homage to low-budget Hong Kong Fu movies, filmed entirely in Mandarin. "My next movie is gonna be another kung fu film that's gonna blow your asses off," said a no-doubt excited Tarantino, who was last seen onscreen in Little Nicky. This project will require him to shelve the eagerly anticipated World War II epic Inglorious Bastards, once slated to star Adam Sandler, John Travolta and Bruce Willis.

11-10-04: It's sad that even Baywatch babe David Hasselhoff can use his celebrity to get preferential treatment: a $200 fine and community service seems lenient for the DUI charge he pleaded guilty to. Blame his recent revival, which has seen a stint in London in the musical Chicago, as well as cameos in John Waters' A Dirty Shame and forthcoming The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie. The former pop singer and professional sprinter will complete community service working for Wheels for Humanity, which provides disabled children from poor families with wheelchairs. Aww-bless his little red shorts.

11-10-04: And what is it with green-lighting sequels to not-yet-released movies? Both The Grudge and Saw had second installments in the works before the originals saw the light of day, but how do you explain Dungeons & Dragons 3? Dungeons & Dragons 2: The Elemental Might is still in production, lacking even the B-list cast and low budget of the original (which was shite). Though the hopefully final piece of the trilogy won't compete with Lord of the Rings, the project will still be some spotty prepubescent die-wielder's wet dream.

10-7-04: Gwyneth Paltrow is due to earn a record $3.6 million paycheck for one day's work: a three-minute song as part of a cameo in the Truman Capote biopic This Thing Called Love. A statement issued claimed: "When you're talking about someone as beautiful and iconic as Gwyneth making her filming comeback after having her baby, then it's the performance that counts. She will set up the movie perfectly with a superb glittering performance." If her singing is as dire as it was in Duets, hopefully it will quash rumors of a link-up with husband Chris Martin on Coldplay's next album.

10-7-04: Terminator 2's Edward Furlong is the latest former child star to feel the long arm of the law. The 27-year-old animal rights supporter was arrested while trying to free lobsters from a grocery store in Florence, Ky. The police report talks of how Furlong was intoxicated, and argued with the management about what he was doing. When the cops attempted to apprehend Furlong, "he put his arms above his head and started spinning around." He was subsequently bailed out of jail by the directors of the movie he was filming, Jimmy & Judy.

10-7-04: In a loosely related story, production is scheduled to start next summer on a fourth Terminator movie. Original director James Cameron and afore-mentioned Furlong abstained from last year's T3, but producers of the billion-dollar franchise are still keen to enlist the services of the Governator himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger. A spokesperson said, "he obviously has a day job that he has to take into consideration, but we're talking to him." Arnie has been busy passing bills, such as Law SB1506; as insightful and revolutionary as his movie Jingle All The Way, the law simply outlaws the illegal distribution of media.