Thursday, January 31, 2008

Paul Haggis’ Crash is getting its long deserved and neglected TV spin-off. The multi-layered racial narrative, and obviously the best movie of 2004, follows 1967’s In The Heat Of The Night as only the second Best Picture Winner to get the TV treatment. The feature was inspired by Haggis’ real-life car-jacking experience, when he presumably realised that “there are people out there, people that are black, yellow, green and red, and some of them aren’t rich like me”. Only Don Cheadle is confirmed for returning to the fold, though I hear Brendan Fraser, Sandra Bullock and Ludacris are doing nothing, and can no doubt be coerced.
Cheadle - who first caught my eye during the turn-of-the-century’s glut of God As A Black Man roles* - will also undertake producing duties, on the 13 one-hour episodes. Crash currently resides as the IMDB’s 155th Best Film of All-Time, one below David Lean’s Brief Encounter.
If you have time, click here to watch a video of "In The Deep" by Bird York, as it was performed at the Oscars; perhaps the most pretentious and creepy Oscar performance ever, it came complete with what seem to definitely be zombies.
* = The Family Man. See Also: Will Smith in The Legend of Bagger Vance, Samuel L Jackson in Unbreakable, Michael Clarke Duncan in The Green Mile

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

After that Macaulay Culkin vid, here's Steven Seagal making fun of himself...

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

The annoucement that Guillermo Blade 2 Del Mimic Toro is to helm The Hobbit isn't incredibly exciting, but it's better than some of the other names that have been discussed on message-boards:

Joel Schumacher - Bilbo's mithril is designed as a butt-hugging S&M knock-off, with holes around the nipple areas. Elron is still played by Hugo Weaving, but utilising his costume from Adventures of Priscilla Queen of the Desert.

George Lucas - the whole film is a two-shot of Bilbo and Gandalf as various blue-screened computerised gimmicks fly and run through the background. Takes 9 months and $250M to make.

Robert Rodriguez - the whole film is a two-shot of Bilbo and Gandalf as various green-screened comic-book looking gimmicks fly and run through the background. With lots of cussing. And misogyny. Takes 9 days and $250k to make.

M. Night Shyamalan - unbeknownst to inhabitants, The Shire is really an amusement park in Houston. And Gandalf is a ghost.

Spike Lee - noted for a scene in which Thorin Oakenshield rants about various factions of dwarves, using a variety of colorful and descriptive insults.

Tim Burton - Sr. Depp plays an all-singing, all-dancing and incredibly iconoclastic Gollum. Helena Bonham-Carter voices Smaug. It's rated PG-13 and is decreed not as good as the original.

David Lynch - shot on a camera-phone, this surrealist piece is told - through a series of dream sequences - from the perspective of a slug that tried to lift the ring, but was squashed by Smeagol.

David Cronenberg - rather than subjecting him to riddles, Gollum makes Bilbo indulge in some really weird sex, after which Bilbo is plagued by flashbacks of the spider attack sequence.

Michael Bay - final shot is a slow-mo low-angle of Bilbo on dragon-back, flying into a filtered orange sunset. Steve Buscemi plays a wily troll.

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Movies You Should Know To Miss

Sometimes in our dullest moments we gravitate to whatever steaming pile of so-called filmmaking is found on cable television in order to achieve some sort of mental catharsis or drift farther into a comatose phase of ridiculous media consumption. This weekend I found myself watching snippits of the great 2005 Sony release, "Stealth." Perhaps a vehicle to promote U.S. technological military dominance or more likely a reason to put doofuses Jessica Biel, Josh Lucas and Jamie Foxx into a "Top Gun" meets "2001" sci-fi action adventure! Too bad there wasn't a beach volleyball scene.
I'm going to spoil this movie for whoever hasn't seen it, which you shouldn't. For those who have, let us laugh about the following moments of brilliant cinema:
-Gratuitous Biel in bikini scene. Did I mention it was at a pristine waterfall in Thailand. Makes perfect sense militarily.
-Jamie Foxx dying pretty early in the film. (Reminiscent of "Executive Decision," a film billed as a Steven Segal vehicle even though he dies in the first 20 minutes. Keep in mind this was Foxx's first release following the Oscar win.) The crash sequence was done in absurd slow-motion revealing the obvious model that was filling in for the high-speed computer generated plane Foxx was seen in moments prior.
-Jessica Biel's 5-minute descent to earth after ejecting from her ship's explosion, which entailed her narrating the whole thing. "4,000 feet!" "There's flaming wreckage all around me!" "I'm coming in to fast!"
-The stealth ship has a monotone voice oddly familiar to some similarly plotted film of a computer developing consciousness. The computer, named EDI, spoken "Eddie," had a glowing reddish blue orb-like eye that it could see out of and overhear conversations between the treacherous career-driven commander and his subordinate, the charmingly strong-minded ace fighter pilot, Josh Lucas.
-The subsequent relationship that unfolds between EDI and Lucas, a sort of techno buddy picture, as they are out to save the "behind enemy lines in North Korea" Biel, all the while scorning the treacherous commanding officer.
-A sweet rock 'n' roll soundtrack that seems to accompany EDI as he flies about the world.
-Surprise! Director Rob Cohen was also responsible for such expertly edited/acted/produced/shot/written films as "Fast and the Furious," "Daylight," and "xXx." Additionally this film was made in cooperation with the U.S. Navy. I wonder if that has anything to do with its pro-military bent?

from Shadie: My favourite bit is the last line.
MALE DOUCHEBAG: You know, me and you ... we're two. And two's a prime number. Which makes it a lucky number. (Pause) I guess what I'm trying to say is we're really lucky.
JESSICA BIEL: Shut up and tell me you love me, you pussy.
T H E E N D
What the fuck does that mean?!

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Movie #3582
Dirty Sanchez: The Movie
Jim Hickey, 2007, UK
Any piss artist attempting to claim Brits are more sophisticated than Yanks can be silenced by perusing this utterly grotesque take on Jackass. Displaying none of its predecessor's sporadic charm, this is a mindless trip into contrived nonsense. At one point "The Portly One" gets liposuction without anesthesia, an impressive example of a high pain threshhold. One of his mates drinking the bloody fat, is less pleasant. Director Hickey perfects the shot-reverse-[vomit]-shot, with a vast array of regurgitative reactions, which seems to be the only aim of this prime example of why the English don't like the Welsh.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Movies, Under the Influence
by Zimos

In the Name of all that is holy, what the hell was Jason Statham thinking?

For those unsure how Uwe Boll came to the profession of feature film directing, the answer lies in German tax law. Essentially, it was profitable from a tax standpoint for German companies to invest in movies that lost money. Kind of like in The Producers, except instead of "Springtime for Hitler and Germany" there are only awful adaptations of videogames. For Hitler and Germany. In Uwe Boll, German investors found the answer to their prayers, a director who could reliably create money-losers time and time again.

In his latest, In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale, Boll has brought together a cast of actors who, surprisingly, I have heard of, to bring to life a PC-based role-playing game. For his previous film, Bloodrayne, based on a nazi-killing vampire game, Uwe set his story in medieval times. True to form, this time around Mr. Boll has created a nearly dungeonless “dungeon siege tale”. The story centers around Farmer (Jason Statham), a man with no name who wants nothing more than to live in peace with his wife (Claire Forlani) and son and raise crops. When the Orcs from Lord of the Rings redubbed “the Krug” attack the neighboring town, Farmer’s family is kidnapped and he is forced into action. With his agricultural background, it stands to reason Farmer is an unstoppable warrior who must lead the fight against the forces of evil. Burt Reynolds, Ray Liotta, John Rhys Davies and Leelee Sobieski co-star.

There exists a time-tested formula that states that the larger the poster the worse the movie. So, based on the 50 square-foot monstrosity in the theater lobby, I knew I was in for a real treat. As I sat there watching the film a number of elements of the film were exactly as expected. The script was so bad it was as though it was adapted from a 14-year-old’s D&D campaign. The sound was so far out of sync I felt like I was watching a Leone movie. Overall, though, my experience with In the Name of the King reminded me of the story of a man and his chicken sandwich. Once upon a time a man ordered a McDonald’s McChicken sandwich, took it home and ate his first bite. It would be better, he decided with a different bun, so he replaced it with a bun he had in his kitchen. Further tastings resulted in the addition of lettuce, tomato, onion, cheese and sliced ham. After his next bite something still wasn’t quite right so he removed the chicken patty and enjoyed the rest of his McChicken sandwich immensely. In much the same fashion by adding booze, cracking jokes loudly with good friends and not really paying that much attention to the film, this Dungeon Siege Tale can be enjoyed, but credit must be placed where it is truly deserved, with Mr. Beam, not Mr. Boll.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

I do not find Paris Hilton interesting at all.

In apparently similar news, I've always been astounded at the idea of Ivy League schools with their apparent credibility and the cost of an education from one of these elitist academies.

And, today, Harvard University has announced that Paris Hilton will be the recipient of Harvard's "Woman of the Year" award. Amazingly able to pencil it into her hectic schedule, she will stop in Cambridge, MA and pick up the award during the promotional tour of her new film The Hottie and the Nottie.

This marks the first time the Harvard honor has gone to a recipient of another, albeit less prestigious, decoration: Mitch has seen your vagina in a youtube video.

-mitch

Monday, January 14, 2008

Busy weekend of coming to Portland (complete with funny customs story) and turning 25. Feel old. More posts to resume shortly ... in the meantime click here to become one of my NetFlix friends.

Friday, January 11, 2008

“A gripping psychological thriller that will have you guessing from start to finish” - Peter Hammon on Premonition

Maxim Magazine’s petite film review section is sort of the KFC Popcorn Chicken for filling the cinephile’s appetite, yet Peter Hammond was recently fired from said rag, for being a “critic whore”. Like Rolling Stones’ Peter Travers or Daily Mail’s Baz Bamigboye (I have always wished it was Baz BamBigBoy), they value seeing their name + quotable nugget on a poster, over having any worthwhile opinion or taste. Here are some of Hammond’s best-written one-liners from this past year:

"Do not miss this film" - Zodiac
"Do yourself a big favor and put this movie at the top of your must-see list" - Starter for 10
"This is a movie not to be missed" - A Mighty Heart
"The can't miss it, gotta see it feel great comedy of the year" - Dan In Real Life
"This is one of those rare gems you must not miss" - Control
"One to see!" - Resurrecting the Champ
"Everyone should see it" - In the Shadow of the Moon
"A movie that should - and must - be seen" - Trade
"A movie you must see" - Reign Over Me
"It's a must-see movie!" - The TV Set
"A must-see film that audiences will love" - The Bucket List
"A must-see movie" - The Number 23

He also overused the word shocker this year…
"A fiercely original shocker" - Alpha Dog
"An absolute shocker in every way imaginable" - Hannibal Rising
"A smart, highly entertaining non-stop shocker" - 1408
"A true shocker that will shatter your nerves and get you talking" - The Brave One

Based on the evidence above, Hammond may be more respected in England, where unbeknownst to him, 'shocker' is synonymous with 'really fucking dreadful'.

Wednesday, January 09, 2008

"Have you ever been embarrassed, ashamed, or exposed?"

Take a lesson from Dr. T, who's been in all three situations:

Tuesday, January 08, 2008

The truly excellent Charlie Wilson’s War is after all a true story, and apparently the real life Charlie Wilson and Joanne Herring take offense to a couple of elements of their characterisations: “"I didn't like the cursing, the drinking and the blatant sex. They turned me into a kooky hypocritical tart”, claims 78 yo Herring (played by Julia Roberts with a truly dodgy Texan accent). Even less flattering are the implications that whilst these two supposed heroes may have ended the Cold War, they also armed and trained Afghanistani troops in a manner that would years later hijack a couple of planes and bite the Americans in the ass. After all, being represented as “foul-mouthed, religious and sex-obsessed” isn’t half as band as being responsible for the slew of bad country songs that emerged in the wake of 9/11.

Monday, January 07, 2008

For people that don’t live in the UK and don’t get to see this… ever wonder what Macaulay Culkin has been up to? I think this is hilarious. If there’s any sort of desire on peoples’ part to see this kind of thing let me know.

Sunday, January 06, 2008

Movie #3571
Good Luck Chuck
Mark Helfrich, USA

One of the worst films of last year … felt dirty watching it. Constantly rooted in utterly bad taste. Dane Cook simply can’t act and doesn’t produce a single laugh the whole film. And with his kookily inconsistent leading lady, Jessica Alba, he shares the sort of chemistry you’d expect from a coupling of Gandhi and Hitler, but with less individual charisma. Worst of all is Dan Fogler, as the misogynistic best-friend, who uses terms such as “baby gravy” and “man chowder”, and at one point puts a scrubbing brush up his ass as he masturbates into a grapefruit. Make sure to stay for the credit bit where Cook indulges in foreplay by eating the ass of one of Alba’s stuffed penguin dolls. As I said … bad taste.

Saturday, January 05, 2008

I resent how Britney keeps outdoing herself and forcing my hand into writing about her. Yesterday she apparently refused to hand over her two and one year-old kids to ex-hubbie K-Feddy, and partook in a four-hour stand-off, causing “several police helicopters, cop cars, ambulances and fire trucks” to arrive at Spears’ LA home along with “additional back-up vehicles and officers”. This is evidently absurd. Spears has been taken to hospital for a long overdue psychiatric evaluation (can’t imagine the results of that one). It represents a triumph for Hell-A’s Emergency Response Units, who are claiming they were ready for any potential Spears action, whether it was donning a jet pack and taking off over The Hillz or spontaneously combusting in situ.

The problem with a writer’s strike, is that shows seem like they are breeding asexually and writing themselves. New York is now the setting for two wonderful sounding new dramas … the decidedly female-oriented-sounding Cashmere Mafia and Lipstick Jungle. The first stars Lucy “Rise: Blood Hunter*” Liu, Mirando Otto and France Conroy as female execs balancing work and family, and the latter stars Brooke Shields, Kim Raver** and Lindsay Price as three high-powered women, um, balancing work and family. Never been done before.
*Incidentally, how the hell do you cast The Shield's Michael Chiklis as a hard-ass cop, and make him boring? Good job.
** The one from 24 that never stops crying. Except to have a nervous breakdown after being tortured and never talks again.

The wankers over at David Duchovny’s show Californication failed to check with one-time-good band Red Hot Chili Peppers whether it was OK for them to appropriate the name of their most famous album. “For some TV show to come along and steal our identity is not right” says notoriously-moral Anthony Kiedis, the tattooed front man of the second-best-band-with-the-word-Pepper-in-its-title…ever (TM). Any attempts to claim it was coincidence can be silenced with a reminder that there’s a character called Dani California, which is of course a track from the Chili’s last album. Depending on how this case goes, maybe I should sue this movie.

...and they're trickling in.

MITCH'S TOP FILMS
1. No Country For Old Men
2. There Will Be Blood*
3. Eastern Promises
*=Mitch has yet to see There Will Be Blood, but intends to in 2008.

Tuesday, January 01, 2008

I saw 154 of the new movies released in 2007, and these are the Best, my favourites, the ones I still need to see, and the worst…

Best Films of 2007:
1. There Will Be Blood
2. The Lives Of Others
3. Ten Canoes
4. No Country For Old Men
5. Eastern Promises
6. The Band's Visit
7. The Diving Bell and the Butterfly
8. Lars and the Real Girl
9. Stardust
10. This is England
11. Exiled
12. Once
13. Away From Her
14. Assassination of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford
15. Charlie Wilson's War
16. I'm Not There
17. Before The Devil Knows You're Dead
18. Atonement
19. Rescue Dawn
20. Michael Clayton
21. Zodiac
22. Juno
23. The Lookout
24. Across The Universe
25. Gone Baby Gone
26. Margot at the Wedding
27. Lust, Caution
28. Sweeney Todd
29. You Kill Me
30. The Kite Runner

Favourite Films of 2007:
1. Heima

2. Stardust
3. Eagle Vs. Shark
4. Across the Universe
5. Hot Fuzz
6. Exiled
7. Once
8. Simpsons Movie
9. Knocked Up
10. Ratatouille
11. Halloween
12. Taare Zameen Par
13. Sunshine
14. Shoot 'Em Up

Things I Still Need To See: 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days; 12:08 East of Bucharest; The Savages; Tropa De Elite; Persepolis

Worst Films
1. Epic Movie
2. Bratz
3. Mr. Bean’s Holiday
4. Southland Tales
5. Dead Silence

Michael Bay Award For Least Deserved Box Office Hit: Transformers and Wild Hogs
Russell Mulcahy Award For Worst Plot: I Know Who Killed Me
for Most Disappointing Sequel: Hills Have Eyes 2
Sylvester Stallone Award For Most Unnecessary Sequel/Prequel: Hannibal Rising and Wrong Turn 2
Farrelly Brothers Award For Most Offensive Film (tie): Dirty Sanchez & Good Luck Chuck
Richard Gere Award For Least Imaginative Film: The Condemned
Bono Award For Most Misguidedly Patriotic: Home of the Brave
Brett Ratner Award For Most Disappointing Film: TMNT and Beowulf
John Carpenter Award For Most Forgettable Film: Outlaw, Blood and Chocolate and Rise: Blood Hunter
Joel Schumacher Award for Messy Direction:
The Number 23

ANGEL'S Top 10
No Country for Old Men
Michael Clayton
Knocked Up
Juno
Ratatouille
3:10 to Yuma
Hot Fuzz
Sunshine
Eastern Promises
The Namesake

...and the Worst
Wendel Baker Story

Feel free to post your own lists as a comment response to this post...