12-14-05: The Farrelly brothers and Johnny Knoxville are hardly known for being the most politically correct "comedians" (and I use that term loosely,) so it is with absolute dread that I report that they are collaborating on The Ringer, a tale of a cash-strapped chap (played by the Jackass jackass), who feigns a mental disability to sneak into the "Special Olympics." The Farrelly brothers have proved to be insensitive to those with weight issues in Shallow Hal, conjoined twins in Stuck On You, and people with a sense of humor in all their other movies - so hopes are low. Executive producer Tim Shriver is fairly disillusioned when talking about Knoxville's bad-boy image, "If a guy like that can become friends with a person with Down Syndrome, man, that's amazing." And the Coyote Ugly extra chimes in ... "It really pushes boundaries." Knoxville continues that it is OK to laugh at the Special Olympics, claiming "Absolutely - you're not laughing at them. You're really laughing with them. There are a lot of jokes in this movie, and they're in on them all."
12-14-05: And only a minor segue into the culturally insensitive. Rob Marshall is receiving almighty castigation for his casting choices in Memoirs of a Geisha. For his screen adaptation of the popular novel, Marshall - who choreographed the TV movie Mrs. Santa Claus - cast Chinese actors in place of Japanese ones. In fact none of the major roles have Japanese actresses cast, with even Malaysia's Michelle Yeoh getting a role. Marshall claims he picks actresses purely on talent. I would like to cite his casting of Richard Gere and Queen Latifah in his last movie, Chicago. Burn. The whole debacle is similar to if Jamie Foxx had been cast as Johnny Cash in Walk The Line since he did such a good job in Ray. But no one else sees it like that.
12-14-05: Meanwhile Chinese superstar Jet Li is retiring from Kung Fu films as he wants to make a name for himself as an actor. The martial artist claims Fearless will be his last action movie, and at 42 he is going to make more serious fare. He in fact has more than 20 movies in the pipeline. For those who are unaware, Li is a multi-faceted filmmaker ... he wrote the convoluted story upon which Kiss Of The Dragon was based, and he produced Unleashed (which is called Danny The Dog in some foreign territories.) He wishes to collaborate with Luc Besson again, himself on quite a roll having not directed a movie since 1999s dud Messenger: The Story of Joan of Arc. He has however helped produce 27 films in the last two years, which isn't so much prolific as it is promiscuous.
11-24-05: Jane Austen academics and English majors around the globe are outraged at the sexed-up Hollywood adaptation of Pride and Prejudice currently doing the rounds. Featuring Keira Knightley's flat bosom as the usually plain Elizabeth Bennett, and pretty boy Matthew MacFadyen as Darcy, scholars are claiming it to be "totally inappropriate." In fact Joan Klingel Ray, President of The Jane Austen Society, is thinking of pulling it from their annual convention: "The film is full of sexual imagery," explains Ray, who obviously has a life, "In one scene a wild boar, which I assume is supposed to represent Darcy, wobbles through the farm with its sexual equipment on show." And who said Austen was for old farts? Director Joe Wrights response to the controversy was not quite as eloquent as Austen's prose however: "They can go jump in a lake."
11-24-05: As of early next year, automobile navigational systems will offer celebrity directions. Burt Reynolds and Dennis Hopper have already signed up for turn-by-turn instructions, whilst Mr. T offers advice such as "Pay attention to what I'm saying" or "Mr. T gonna get you there in one piece - you gonna be there safely or else." Obviously the novelty factor could quickly wear thin, but voices will cost about $10 to download online, whereas character-themes (cowboy, surfer dude - confirmed; dominatrix - imminent) are just $5. Speaking of Mr. T, if you're ever bored, look up the video for "Treat Your Mother Right," in which he sings - in really small shorts no less - "M is for the moan, and the miserable groan / from the pain that She felt when I was born." Makes you want to cry. Literally.
11-24-05: The recently deceased James Doohan (aka Star Trek's Montgomery "Scotty" Scott), was to have his ashes launched into space in a rocket, but the take-off was delayed because of engine trouble. Beam me up indeed. His attempt to boldly go where no split infinitive has gone before has now been re-scheduled for January. Doohan, obviously no longer the oldest living Star Trek star, had a missing middle-finger that only was apparent in two episodes, and will no doubt be remembered as much for his roles in MacGyver and Knight Rider as for his role in The Bold And The Beautiful.
11-10-05: Woody Allen caused an international scandal in 1992 when he dumped long-term partner Mia Farrow for her adopted daughter, Soon-Yi Previn. In a recent interview, the dirty old man, now 69, admitted that there is a slightly paternal feel to his relationship with Previn, who is 35. No shit. He went on to describe Farrow finding nude photographs of Previn as "one of the great pieces of luck in my life," all stated without a hint of irony. Allen, who once voiced a character in Antz opposite Sylvester Stallone, also talked about how "the very inequality of me being older and much more accomplished, much more experienced, takes away any real meaningful conflict." Adding arrogance to being a perverted cradle-snatcher obviously makes Woody quite the catch. Good thing he's so attractive.
11-10-05: Wannabe bad-boy Christian Slater was apparently Taser-gunned down from Paris Hilton's roof by impatient police. The 36-year-old, who played "Easily Fooled Security Guard" in Austin Powers, climbed the house to annoy neighbors who had complained about Hilton's party being too loud. Annoyed, the neighbors called the cops who soon had him falling into bushes. Slater, one-time voice of Pips in FernGully: The Last Rainforest, is on probation for groping charges, but his attorney Eric Franz doesn't believe his drunken antics will constitute a breach: "I don't believe that Mr. Slater's having a good time at Paris Hilton's party will have any effect on his New York case."
11-10-05: Vincent Gallo's inflated ego took a turn for the worse this week, as he set up a Web site (VGMerchandise.com) offering his sperm for sale at a sticky $1 million. Mothers to be can get IVF, or natural insemenation for an extra $500,000, though this fee is waved if the Brown Bunny auteur deems her attractive enough. The site also includes a copy such as "Mr Gallo is 5 feet 11 inches and has blue eyes. There are no known genetic deformities in his ancestry and no history of congenital diseases. If you have seen The Brown Bunny, you know the potential size of the genitals if it's a boy (eight inches if he's like his father)." It continues to suggest that his sharp features would "blend well with a softer, more subtly featured female."
11-3-05: The flying car from Harry Potter and The Chamber Of Secrets has been stolen from its South West FilmStudios home, presumably by a Potterfreak. Devon and Cornwall Police spokesman PC Baxter Provan cleverly deduced that since the vehicle was not in drivable condition "it is suspected that it would have to have been towed or lifted from the scene." As yet there are no suspicions of magic. Regardless, if anyone sees a turquoise 1962 Ford Anglia, registration 7990 TD, flying around St Agnes, please send an owl to the Ministry of Magic.
11-3-05: Following in the success of documentaries such as Fahrenheit 9/11 and March Of The Penguins, comes Feeding On The Dead. Despite its title, this is not yet another zombie flick, but rather a document of Northern India's Aghori sect ... secretive Hindu ascetics who eat corpses, believing that ingestion of dead flesh makes the body ageless and grants the eater supernatural powers. It took three months for the director to gain the trust of the tribe, so as to be allowed to film the holymen's cannibalistic ritual, where they pluck dead bodies from the Ganger River, and eat them. The film is said to be fairly morbid.
11-3-05: But on a lighter note Sly Stallone, in a thinly-veiled desperate attempt to re-attain stardom, will revisit two of his best loved roles, in eagerly awaited sequels to Rambo and Rocky. In Rambo IV -subtitled Ad Nauseum perhaps? - former Vietnam vet John J. Rambo is retired and living the quiet life when he gets involuntarily involved in a case of a missing child. Meanwhile Rocky Balboa - incidentally Part 6 - sees the retired boxing champ approached to fight with reigning heavyweight champ Mason "The Line" Dixon. Stallone will be over sixty by the time the films are released, but isn't concerned. "[The movies are] about everyone who feels they wan to participate in the race of life, rather than be a bystander," philosophizes a man who once headlined a movie called Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot. "You're never too old to climb a mountain, if that's your desire." Deep.
10-27-05: After over a year of speculation over the identity of the next Bond - which involved such ill-advised possibilities as Goran Visnjic and Hugh Jackman for the quintessentially British super-spy - Daniel Craig's mum has spilled the beans. Sony Pictures, in a poorly-masked marketing ploy, had said Thursday that they would unveil Bond at a press conference in London, only for Olivia Craig to confirm, one hour before said conference, that her wee son would become the first blond Bond. "We are thrilled to bits" exclaimed Mrs. Craig, barely able to contain her excitement. Meanwhile Craig, ever the character actor, recently proved his tux-donning credentials by bedding Sienna Miller, the girlfriend of his close friend Jude Law, causing them to break up.
10-27-05: Walking carpet Chewbacca's growls may be indiscernible to most, but now they officially will fall under Texan drawl. Brit Peter Mayhew, who played 'Chewie' in four Star Wars films, is to become an American. The 7'3 former hospital worker has been living in Texas for years, and at the age of 60 will join 441 people from 77 countries to become a naturalized American. The thesp, who once made an uncredited appearance on The Muppet Show, joins Sir Anthony Hopkins and Pierce Brosnan as others in the biz that have betrayed their homeland in recent years.
10-27-05: Freddie Prinze Jr is a man's man. Last week he complained at having cracked a rib mysteriously (possibly in a bar fight?), but a trip to the doctor has revealed the true reason for his pain: "I ate a lot of Chinese food", explains Jr, who once wrote an episode of Mutant X. "My favorite little place in New York is a place called Chun Lee and they have a lot of food and I ate all of it. It hurts really bad. They gave me Vicodin, but I can't take too much of that because I have to work". Freddie (just "Fred" to friends) shares a birthday with another whiny loser, James Van Der Beek. Coincidence?
10-27-05: P.S. The Governator has confirmed that he will re-team with James Cameron on two sequels ... Terminator 4 and True Lies 2. Enough said.
10-13-05: One would be forgiven for not heeding the advice of the now portly John Travolta. After all, he has headlined some of the plumpest turkeys of our times, spanning Battlefield Earth, Phenomenon and Michael to Lucky Numbers, Domestic Disturbance and Be Cool, via Basic,Ladder 49 and Look Who's Talking Now. Regardless, he and fellow scientologist wife Kelly Preston (whose own resume includes What A Girl Wants, Jack Frost and Holy Man) have suggested that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' forthcoming birth adhere to the church's strict doctrines. Under the 'silent birth' dogma, there should be no fuss over the delivery: no chatting, no music and not even expressions of pain from the mother-to-be. Preston explains that "moments of pain ... can affect babies in their future."
10-13-05: Meanwhile, Tony Danza has been bewailing the lack of morals displayed by Cruise and Holmes' pregnancy annoucement, as they are having a child outside of the holy institute of marriage. "Here's a guy lecturing people about drugs," states Danza, referring to Cruise's recent condemnation of Brooke Shields' anti-depressant medication, "but out of wedlock births don't seem to bother him." Personally, I think starring in Cannonball Run II is about as immoral as it gets, but that's just me.
10-13-05: Reverend Graham Taylor, author of the book upon which forthcoming movie franchise Shadowmancer is based, has been thrown out of a British school for inappropriate language when addressing 12- and 13-year-olds. Taylor, who sold his book rights for over $3 million, used the words 'crap,' 'poo,' 'fart' and - shock! horror! - 'bogey' during his talk. Defending himself, he claimed "my language was appropriate. Langauge changes and words that once were deemed unacceptable are now part of our culture."
10-13-05: And finally ... two families from Utah, attempting to buy the Mormon film Sons Of Provo received a rather unwelcome surprise thanks to a mix-up at the replicating factory. The incredibly contrived cock-up had the DVD containing not a family film about a religious boy band, but an unrated gay porno entitled Adored: Diary Of A Porn Star. Ironically purchased at bookstores owned by the Mormon church, the movie does contain some redeeming qualities that would appeal to the cross-over demographic, as it sees its protagonist try to reconnect with his family despite his frowned-upon choice of profession.
9-29-05: The FBI has released a string of files documenting celebrities they once suspected of being communist. Included in the list are John Lennon, Marilyn Monroe, Frank Sinatra, The Beach Boys, Louis Armstrong, Albert Einstein, Lucille Ball and Liberace. Blonde bombshell Monroe got blacklisted after applying for a visa to Russia, after which she was tracked to a communist group meeting in Mexico organized by Sinatra. The crooner was targeted after apparently attending sex parties with President John F. Kennedy (yet the President, indulging in the same activities and romantically linked to Monroe, was never a suspect). Finally Lennon was added when agents deduced he had planned to disrupt the Republican National Convention in 1973, but struck him off the list because his drug habits rendered him incapable of being a revolutionary. I wish Shades of Gray could make this sh*t up, but it's actually true.
9-29-05: Supposed gentleman and knight Sir Anthony Hopkins has admitted he was once so hooked on alcohol that he suffered hallucinations. The Oscar-winning sheep-shagger (he's Welsh so it's OK) has now been clean for 30 years, prior to which he would drink Mexican spirit tequila like a fish. Not that fish drink tequila, but you get the drift. The side effects were like "a prolonged acid trip: I saw things and had peculiar quasi-religious experiences", reminisces the International Velvet thesp. "I thought I was John The Baptist, and I would talk to the sea at Malibu and the sea would talk back to me. It was weird."
9-29-05: Taking the "sex sells" mantra a little too far, The Things About My Folks is using an unconventional method to market itself: apparently it features the first ever nude scene from 78-year-old Peter Falk. "I am not totally nude", explains the septuagenarian, "I'm wearing talcum powder". Co-star and writer Paul Reiser elaborates: "Peter basically is playing my father. My father used to use more talcum powder than you could ever imagine ... He's come out of the shower and the floor around the whole house would be like a scene from Scarface." And there you have the link between a mound of cocaine and Columbo's penis.
9-22-05: Call me a cynic, but ever since Coppola got all sophisto on us with his lucrative range of wines, every Tom, Dick and Harry wants on the bandwagon. Greta Garbo's 100th birthday is Oct. 1 and to celebrate 350 cases of limited-edition Garbo Brut Rose will be sold at Napa, California's Domaine Carneros Winery, for a surprisingly affordable $42. Apparently, though, it tastes like piss. Meanwhile, Frida Kahlo's estate is releasing a line of tequila. "She enjoyed tequila very much. She would drink it to inspire herself to do her paintings", explains the President of Dorado, Pizzorini & Sons. I take this message as meaning that I too can create art if I get tanked on tequila, but that's just me.
9-22-05: You'd think that even the Weinstein Bros would have heard about Hurricane Katrina and the few knock-on effects it's had. If so, it seems a tad insensitive to release Venom, a Louisiana-based horror film, this week. Claims are "the plot is completely unrelated to the disaster in New Orleans." Maybe, but the movie, which features killings and chaos in the state, might be a little too close for comfort? The official word from the Weinstein Bros is, "It's sort of in the eye of the beholder in terms of how closely someone might associate this movie with the real-life events in the wake of Hurricane Katrina". Well in that case it's all good.
9-22-05: The former Yugoslavia was ravaged by the war that took place between 1992 and 1995 as Croats, Bosnians and Serbs fiercely fought for control. Few cities were as tragically hit as Mostar, which was practically reduced to rubble. Hence officials have sympathetically decided to protest against the perpetual issue of ethnic division by by erecting a symbolic statue in the city center park. But in a strange move, the icon will be of martial arts legend and definitely non-Yugoslav Bruce Lee. Apparently the late Enter The Dragon star is seen as a hero for people of all backgrounds, and thus deemed an appropriate symbol for peace, despite his propensity for pugilism.
9-15-05: Paris Hilton has a low sex drive. The home-video starlet has spent much time recently explaining that she has a short of rampant libido, this in spite of all the documented evidence to the contrary, including a couple of raunchy hide-the-salami sessions and a commercial in which she gets frisky with a Hardee's burger. "I'm sexual in pictures and the way I dress and my whole image," explains Miss Hilton, "but ... all of my ex-boyfriends ... would be like, 'What's the matter with you? You're so not sexual.'" Likely story. In related news, the sensitive hotel heiress was recently brought to tears when a fan bid $200,000 at an auction to spend New Year's Eve with her ... "It's so generous. I'm crying right now." Eloquent as always.
9-15-05: Shades of Grey previously reported that Kevin Smith was in no way selling out by making a pseudo-big budget follow-up to the definitively indie Clerks. However, the Jersey Girl auteur has made the ordeal a little more acceptable by auctioning five prizes in aid of Katrina victims: a walk-on part in Clerks 2, a set visit, a bunch of T-shirts, having Smith leave your voicemail message (apologizing for Mallrats?) and a BBQ at his house (i.e. opportunity to dis his failing career). To participate, head over to his production company, View Askew.
9-15-05: P.S. Two exciting new developments in the movie world ... bizarre casting for the Iggy Pop biopic whose plot is very much under wraps, with character actor Elijah Wood playing the iconoclastic punk rocker. And both last and least, the long overdue Police Academy 8 has finally been greenlit, with Steve Guttenberg promising a cameo. Beware of both within the year.
1-6-05: Showtime is producing a musical remake of cult propaganda flick Reefer Madness. The 1936 original was a government commissioned "documentary" that warned parents of the dangers of marijuana, a "demon weed" more deadly than cocaine or heroin, favored by jazz musicians and other degenerate types. The contemporary version appropriately takes a satirical and sarcastic tone. Alan Cumming will star in the movie, which will include a Busby Berkeley-style dance sequence complete with men with pot leaf-emblazoned G-strings gyrating around a gigantic hookah.
1-6-05: Supposed hero and hard-man Jet Li has proved to be nohing more than a woman's blouse after all. The One's martial artist injured his foot when the tsunami that rocked Asia swamped a hotel in which he was vacationing. The story goes that he sprained said extremity on a piece of floating furniture. Diddums. The fact that tens of thousands of people lost their lives is apparently lost on the self-absorbed mega-star, who has conducted numerous interviews about his experience.
1-6-05: Erik Aude, star of seminal classics Dude, Where's My Car? and Van Wilder, is back in California after almost three years in a Pakistani jail for drug trafficking. He was arrested in February of 2002, when the lining of his suitcase was found stuffed with opium. The thesp lost about 40 pounds during his incarceration, which involved "a living hell of beatings and death threats." But, he's learned a valuable lesson which he thinks we could all benefit from hearing: "You really have no idea how lucky we are. As Americans we live like kings."
12-23-04: In the latest in a series of unfortunate events, Jim Carrey had to flee a London hotel after a fire broke out. “No one rescued me, no one came. I had to find my own way out,” moaned the resourceful rubber-faced comic. Firefighters were either busy saving Matt Damon and George Clooney (also in the building) or hinting to the freshly-off-Prozac comedian exactly what they thought of Batman Forever and Bruce Almighty. Incidentally Damon was tragically unharmed.
12-23-04: It seems that Kevin Costner may have kidnapped and adopted a baby about twenty years ago – about the time he’d have been filming Sizzle Beach, U.S.A. Romana Medina claims that when her daughter was taken from her, the Dragonfly star took the child, and had its name illegally changed. Medina’s claims are somewhat flimsy: she is fuzzy on details as she suffers from blackouts and has gaps in her memory. Costner, despite being thrilled at a woman’s admittance to befriending him, made no comment, but did slap Medina with a restraining order.
12-23-04: Anti-contraceptive campaigner Mel Gibson, next to be seen in Mad Max: Fury Road, has found a worthy cause for the spoils from that Jesus flick: he has spent $15M on a Pacific island called Mago. “He wants to keep it as an exclusive getaway for family and friends,” says an insider. Satellite images may confirm whether this means a retreat for a religious cult. As a testament to his Christian compassion, Gibson will have to evict forty residents from the island … mostly farmers and their families.
12-16-04: Hunchback of Notre Dame II voice Jennifer Love Hewitt apparently struggled to master an English accent for her role in The Truth About Love. “It was tough”, says the teen pop star, “I stuck out like a sore thumb.” Considering her previous inability to convincingly play a human being, it isn’t a surprise that a British lady is out of her range. Regardless, Love Hewitt, whose 1995 album Let’s Go Bang is a huge seller in Japan, solved her dilemma by underplaying the accent: “I wanted my accent to be barely noticeable. I wanted it to be really light.”
12-16-04: Calvin Broadus has it pretty sweet: his latest single tops the Billboard Charts and he’s just sold a pretty uninventive movie pitch for $1M. Broadus, who goes by the more imaginative moniker Snoop Dogg, will star in Coach Snoop, an inspirational autobiographical tale of his experiencing coaching his son’s football team. “This film is about how I learned to be a good father through coaching,” says the cool-as-a-dead-polar-bear Dogg, “about lessons learned on and off the field.” By Jove this may be the most eagerly anticipated movie ever made.
12-16-04: Gift-buying and vacation-leave can take their toll on the less than affluent student’s funds. If this applies to you, consider undertaking some freelance photography work. Every publication wants pictures of Julia Roberts’ newly-born twins - with or without the Mystic Pizza actress’ consent – and is willing to shell out at least $250,000. Roberts recently gave birth to Hazel Patricia Moderr and Phinneas Walter Moder; pictures may confirm rumors that they each sport a full set of their mother’s pearly whites. The future stalkerazzo targets enter a long line of celebrity’s kids with unusual names: Planet and Rumor (Demi Moore), Apple (Gwyneth Paltrow), Audio Science (Shannon Sossamon) and Pilot Inspektor (Jason Lee).
12-9-04: The Phantom Menace may have been ill-conceived, but it pales in comparison to The Star Wars Holiday Special. The two-hour film written by George Lucas, starring the entire original cast, originally aired on CBS in 1978. Lucas is trying to have it banned, saying “"If I had the time and a sledgehammer, I would track down every bootlegged copy of that program and smash it". It tells of Chewbacca’s trip home to spend Life Day with his family. Alongside poorly animated interludes, a highlight has Princess Leia reducing Solo and Luke to tears with a song to the tune of the Star Wars theme. For once this is not an exaggeration.
12-9-04: Johnny Depp checked in to a London Hotel this week under the assumed name “Oprah Noodlemantra”, a name he first used to avoid being associated with Freddy's Dead: The Final Nightmare, that great sequel that had portions in 3D. He inadvertently attracted attention whilst at classy London restaurant Scalini’s: when a fellow American asked him to extinguish his cigarette, Depp calmly retorted “I’m sorry, but we’re not in LA anymore”, and continued puffing.
12-9-04: Kevin Spacey’s string of disappointments (such as Life of David Gale, Shipping News, Pay It Forward to name but a few) may encourage him to make an unusual career move: “I have a good mind to jack in all the acting things and just live the life of a singer-songwriter.” Rediscovering his penchant for music whilst crooning his way through Bobby Darin biopic Beyond The Sea, the Iron Will star plans to tour America with co-stars The John Wilson Orchestra. Next week: Jean-Claude Van Damme quits “acting” (in broad terms) for a run at Ultimate Fighting Champion.
11-18-04: Walking fast-food commercial Michael Moore's next project will be Fahrenheit 9/11 1/2 (a prequel to 9/12?). It will retread familiar territory, albeit more overtly criticizing Bush and presumably messing with Texas. It seems that Moore believes that in our post-Nov. 2 world, he still has a calling: "They weren't told the truth," said Moore between mouthfuls of hamburger. "We're communicators and it's up to us to start doing it now. There is a silver lining: The Great Dubya is prohibited by law from running (for president) again." However, if that son-of-a-Bush can persuade the public that he didn't win the last election, he may be able to overturn that last statement, in which case expect Moore's film to be released in 2008.
11-18-04: Foppish British actor Hugh Grant has indicated a decline in his enjoyment of acting. "It's so long and boring and so difficult to get right," says Grant. Really? This from the guy who chose to make Extreme Measures and Mickey Blue Eyes. Meanwhile Bridget Jones co-star Renee Zellweger seems to feel the 44-year old is losing his looks. Her own weight gain the subject of scrutiny, she has advised Grant to shed a few pounds. Referring to a play-fight in the movie, she explained, "he was much fleshier, and the contours were softer-it was more like wrestling my grandmother." While he obviously didn't have her at hello, the only one who stands to lose from Grant's potential retirement is a certain Divine Brown: an out-of-work actor will hardly be able to afford the alleged $14 it cost to pay her a visit back in 1995.
11-18-04: In lighter news, anyone who achieved adulthood knocking one out to Pamela Anderson running in that red swimsuit will be pleased to hear that come 2006, Baywatch will receive the long awaited silver-screen adaptation treatment. Dreamworks has already snapped up rights to the film, though details are scarce. As Futurama has taught us, this may be the first movie filmed entirely in slow-motion and/or the one that finally gets Anderson her much overdue acting Oscar. Expect much running and jiggling, David Hasselhoff's chest hair, and hopefully a Sting and Bon Jovi rendition of the theme song: "In us we all have the power/ But sometimes it's so hard to see/And instinct is stronger than reason/It's just human nature to me."
11-10-04: In a post-modernistic moment of self-referential masturbation, Quentin Tarantino, director of one-quarter of Four Rooms, will plagiarize his own plagiarism. The 41-going-on-16 movie geek will make an homage to low-budget Hong Kong Fu movies, filmed entirely in Mandarin. "My next movie is gonna be another kung fu film that's gonna blow your asses off," said a no-doubt excited Tarantino, who was last seen onscreen in Little Nicky. This project will require him to shelve the eagerly anticipated World War II epic Inglorious Bastards, once slated to star Adam Sandler, John Travolta and Bruce Willis.
11-10-04: It's sad that even Baywatch babe David Hasselhoff can use his celebrity to get preferential treatment: a $200 fine and community service seems lenient for the DUI charge he pleaded guilty to. Blame his recent revival, which has seen a stint in London in the musical Chicago, as well as cameos in John Waters' A Dirty Shame and forthcoming The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie. The former pop singer and professional sprinter will complete community service working for Wheels for Humanity, which provides disabled children from poor families with wheelchairs. Aww-bless his little red shorts.
11-10-04: And what is it with green-lighting sequels to not-yet-released movies? Both The Grudge and Saw had second installments in the works before the originals saw the light of day, but how do you explain Dungeons & Dragons 3? Dungeons & Dragons 2: The Elemental Might is still in production, lacking even the B-list cast and low budget of the original (which was shite). Though the hopefully final piece of the trilogy won't compete with Lord of the Rings, the project will still be some spotty prepubescent die-wielder's wet dream.
10-7-04: Gwyneth Paltrow is due to earn a record $3.6 million paycheck for one day's work: a three-minute song as part of a cameo in the Truman Capote biopic This Thing Called Love. A statement issued claimed: "When you're talking about someone as beautiful and iconic as Gwyneth making her filming comeback after having her baby, then it's the performance that counts. She will set up the movie perfectly with a superb glittering performance." If her singing is as dire as it was in Duets, hopefully it will quash rumors of a link-up with husband Chris Martin on Coldplay's next album.
10-7-04: Terminator 2's Edward Furlong is the latest former child star to feel the long arm of the law. The 27-year-old animal rights supporter was arrested while trying to free lobsters from a grocery store in Florence, Ky. The police report talks of how Furlong was intoxicated, and argued with the management about what he was doing. When the cops attempted to apprehend Furlong, "he put his arms above his head and started spinning around." He was subsequently bailed out of jail by the directors of the movie he was filming, Jimmy & Judy.
10-7-04: In a loosely related story, production is scheduled to start next summer on a fourth Terminator movie. Original director James Cameron and afore-mentioned Furlong abstained from last year's T3, but producers of the billion-dollar franchise are still keen to enlist the services of the Governator himself, Arnold Schwarzenegger. A spokesperson said, "he obviously has a day job that he has to take into consideration, but we're talking to him." Arnie has been busy passing bills, such as Law SB1506; as insightful and revolutionary as his movie Jingle All The Way, the law simply outlaws the illegal distribution of media.
Cutest Story of the week: God’s gift to women Garrison Keillor of A Prairie Home Companion fame has had to get a restraining order against a fan whose idea of romance involved sending him petrified alligator feet and dead beetles. The 65 year-old no doubt got his biggest kick since the Kennedy administration when Andrea Campbell sent a letter “graphically describing making love to [him]”. Meanwhile Campbell claims “[he] is just paranoid”.
